I spoke with Nifty on the phone last night. I wanted to find out why he hasn’t called me once after dumping me harshly over the phone. I know, I should have stuck to not talking to him, but it’s eating me up inside. I take everything to heart; especially breakups, so obviously this is and will be on my mind until the air is cleared. The air is definitely not cleared yet.
The conversation wasn’t like the other ones, where he did everything to avoid my questions and get me off the phone. He said he got my letter, and read it. I asked him why he didn’t call, and he said “Why would I want to call when you sent me a letter talking about what an asshole I am?” so I explained to him that the purpose of the letter was not to give him a million reasons why he’s an asshole, but to prove a point; that I was not the only person who screwed up in this relationship. In fact, my screw ups were a lot smaller then his screw ups. He said he understood that after he had read the whole thing carefully again.
He told me he was coming down on Friday if his new car is ready by then and we were going to talk things through. I didn’t suggest him coming over, he suggested it himself. I feel that I am ready to see him without falling apart. I feel that I need to see him and get all this sorted out so I can understand all those why questions I have. Before we got off the phone, I asked him if he still had feelings for me, I said that I feel stupid still caring about him if he doesn’t care about me. He said he still has feelings for me as if I was a crazy person for suggesting he didn’t.
So if he gets his car by Friday, he may be coming down to see me so we can talk things out. I have no idea how this conversation is going to go or where it will lead. I know that I will not be able to take him back (unless he worked really hard to prove to me that he had changed, even then it’s a slim chance), and I highly doubt he wants to get back with me. But I was so upset because I did not want my last memories of him to be a phone call at 12am to break my heart. I didn’t want my broken heart to twist everything into a pile of lies so that my only remaining feelings would be hatred. I want to keep all those moments in my heart, and cherish all the time I spent with him.
I still want to be his friend, but I’m not sure I know how to do that…at least not right now. I can’t see myself calling him for a chat. I can’t see him calling me for a chat. Not at this point, but like I said, I just want to part on friendly terms. I want my thoughts of my first love to be amazing ones.
I don’t want to forget any moments with him, because they were nice moments. Like when my foot cramped up, and that semi-formal he made amazing, and so many other moments and days. I don’t want to cloud those ones with the bad ones. I guess people just drift apart sometimes and fall out of love.
Anyways, I really need to get started on my research paper. I have until tomorrow to do it and I really haven’t gotten anywhere on it (except for the introduction).