The Night

I should be sleeping. Everyone else in this house is; fast asleep, off in dreamland. Yet I’m having trouble tonight…

I can’t get comfortable. I have several things to thank for my inability to get comfortable; the weather is damp (which means my bones ache), our comforter has so many holes in it and my fingers and toes keep getting caught them, waking me up from any tiny progress I make of falling asleep.

And then there is my mind; which will not shut off. I clued in, as I was trying to get comfortable and drift off, that my surgery is a week away. Seven days. This isn’t a major deal; I’ve had around twelve MHE related surgeries before, but it’s still a big deal. I’m worrying about where my mom is going to sleep when she comes down to help me. The sofa is no place for someone to spend a week or more sleeping; it’s comfy, but not that comfy. I’m worried about how long I will be in the hospital, and how Nolan will cope with me gone. I’m worried that he’ll handle it bad and I’m also worried, in a way, that he won’t notice. What would be worse? I obviously don’t want him to hurt and miss me, but my heart would be slightly wounded if he barely noticed my absence. I know I will notice his, every painful second I’m away from him. Every drawn out hour will be spent wondering how he’s doing; what he’s doing.

And then there is the recovery…I don’t know how long it will take. I’m hoping with all my heart I’ll be walking within two weeks. It’s just my right knee, after all; two sites mind you but my last surgery (in August of 2009) was three sites and within three weeks I was walking around. Or something like that, it’s really hard to tell..after surgeries my mind is a complete mess of distorted images of time. Thankfully, they almost always go by fast…although last year’s surgery was probably the worst for time. It was my first time being away from N, my first time not having him close by me. At least he will be in the same town this time, not a couple hours away.

So, there is my mind that I can thank for a lot of this random insomnia. I am exhausted, but I can not sleep…at least not right now, not in this moment. I’ve written so very much today, what’s one more piece? If it helps clear my brain just a little bit? If it helps to ease my worries and calm me down, allow me some peace of mind before I drift off to sleep?



Filed under MHE, this crazy train, writing

5 responses to “The Night

  1. Blaine

    When you are gone, Nolan will be looking for you, but will most likely be distracted by his new caretaker doling out affection and food and fun, and won’t *really* notice, at the same time as noticing.

    I also think he will be SUPER excited to see you when he does again, and you will know in your heart, your mind, your soul, that he missed you, he loves you, and there’s no way he would forget about you.

    I hope it all goes well. Good luck & best wishes for a quick and easy recovery, and back to the wedding planning!

  2. tierney

    i just found out i’m having surgery as well, and i have to admit: i immediately thought of you.

    although this is only my third surgery on my back, and i know you’ve had much more, it still sucks! i know i don’t have a baby to plan ahead for BUT i’ve had to quit all of my summer work (nannying) in order to recover which sucks because once school comes i definitely won’t be able to work either!

    no matter how many you have, it doesn’t get all that much better. the ‘idea’ may come easier but it’s still a lot to cope with so not sleeping that well is probably just your overactive mind plotting every possible scenario!

    i do hope your surgery goes smoothly and you’re back & moving with N in no time. the plus side is you’ve done it before so you have the upper hand in preparing yourself!

    good luck !

    • I feel like a suck for complaining; knee sugery has to be easier than back surgery! I know what you mean about having to stop working; I JUST got a job that I liked a week ago, then had to tell them about it and no longer have a job there…you can’t have a summer position if you can’t work for the summer! 😦

      And from experience, I can definitely agree with you. The thought of it’s like “meh, whatever” until you think about all the other things; work, school, your errands you run weekly, and in my case care for N.

      Good luck with your surgery too love! I will be thinking of you. When is it?

      • tierney

        my surgery will be sometime in june, i literally found out about it thursday so i’m meeting next wednesday to find the date and go over some of the technical stuff.

        one of the hardest parts about having multiple surgries is probably the idea that other people expect you to be strong becuase it’s happened before, but at the same time you’re still upset that it’s rocking your world.

        yours is coming up soon so prepare everything in advance and i suppose the one bonus is that we have the warm weather to recover in!

        best of luck!!

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