I should be sleeping. Everyone else in this house is; fast asleep, off in dreamland. Yet I’m having trouble tonight…
I can’t get comfortable. I have several things to thank for my inability to get comfortable; the weather is damp (which means my bones ache), our comforter has so many holes in it and my fingers and toes keep getting caught them, waking me up from any tiny progress I make of falling asleep.
And then there is my mind; which will not shut off. I clued in, as I was trying to get comfortable and drift off, that my surgery is a week away. Seven days. This isn’t a major deal; I’ve had around twelve MHE related surgeries before, but it’s still a big deal. I’m worrying about where my mom is going to sleep when she comes down to help me. The sofa is no place for someone to spend a week or more sleeping; it’s comfy, but not that comfy. I’m worried about how long I will be in the hospital, and how Nolan will cope with me gone. I’m worried that he’ll handle it bad and I’m also worried, in a way, that he won’t notice. What would be worse? I obviously don’t want him to hurt and miss me, but my heart would be slightly wounded if he barely noticed my absence. I know I will notice his, every painful second I’m away from him. Every drawn out hour will be spent wondering how he’s doing; what he’s doing.
And then there is the recovery…I don’t know how long it will take. I’m hoping with all my heart I’ll be walking within two weeks. It’s just my right knee, after all; two sites mind you but my last surgery (in August of 2009) was three sites and within three weeks I was walking around. Or something like that, it’s really hard to tell..after surgeries my mind is a complete mess of distorted images of time. Thankfully, they almost always go by fast…although last year’s surgery was probably the worst for time. It was my first time being away from N, my first time not having him close by me. At least he will be in the same town this time, not a couple hours away.
So, there is my mind that I can thank for a lot of this random insomnia. I am exhausted, but I can not sleep…at least not right now, not in this moment. I’ve written so very much today, what’s one more piece? If it helps clear my brain just a little bit? If it helps to ease my worries and calm me down, allow me some peace of mind before I drift off to sleep?