First of all, I wanted to say thank you to everyone who read and commented on yesterday’s somewhat emotional post. Your comments and emails were greatly appreciated. I shared that little bit of hurt with you all because I had high hopes of maybe giving someone who openly insults the differences in people an insight of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of those hurtful comments.
Second of all, I want to apologize ahead of time for yet another not so peppy/happy post. But, blogging is my therapy, and I’m really needing the therapy right now. Life is kinda kicking me in the ass and, although I try to put on a smile and push through all the shit, sometimes I just want to sit on the floor and whine. So, this is me…sitting on the floor whining. And yes, I know I’ve brought most of this stress and crap on myself by making not-so-awesome decisions, so there’s definitely no need to remind me. Just like me whine, a little bit?
First there was the whole mega disappointment of my college plans falling through. I’m still disappointed, but I understand why I can’t go. I did screw up twice before and our families aren’t made of money. I’m still sad and disappointed about it naturally, I was looking forward to going, but I’m more frustrated with the college for not listing the actual price. $3200 for first year tuition is significantly smaller than over $5000 for the first year, and it would have been helpful to know the actual number. But whatever, life goes on. It just sucks that I worked myself into such a state of excitement that when I found out I couldn’t afford to go, the fall back to reality hurt more than it would have had I known it was more expensive, had I known we couldn’t afford the drastic change in price (considering Matt’s tuition was also double what the college said it would be).
Then JDC and I tried to come up with a back up plan, of maybe going to school in January. It could work, if we get subsidized day care. If not, then I won’t be able to go to school until September 2011. Which is also okay, I know I’ll get there eventually, but still. Some things aren’t the easiest to swallow, right?
And then Matt called me yesterday from work to give me the news; his truck is going to cost an additional 300-400 bucks to fix. I had set aside $400 for the trucks repairs, because that’s all he thought it was going to be. Now we’re looking at another $400 and I have no idea where this money is going to come from. The wedding fund is dry right now, waiting for more money to be added to it so I can finish doing the bare minimum of things we have to do. Matt’s going to have to start working every weekend, so that we can afford to just get by.
Matt’s stressed. He worries all day about me, home doing nothing without a car, and feels bad for it. He worries about his truck, he stresses over the fact that everyone calls him ‘stupid’ for getting the truck (even though he had a mechanic check it out before he bought it. SIGH). He’s frustrated that this truck is costing so much, and he’s discouraged because it’s his ‘dream truck’.
We had a discussion last night about it. I told him it may be his dream truck, but we can’t afford to keep paying for repairs. The whole point of buying a truck – a second vehicle – was so that he could use it for working, beat the hell out of it and let me have my car for what I need (and want) to do during the day. But you can’t beat the hell out of a super old truck that constantly needs repairs. I told him this is the last time, and next time we’ll be putting it on Kijiji as is. The stress of constantly needing to find money to repair it is just too much, especially with the wedding coming up.
Which is another thing I’m frustrated with. I’ve had set back after set back with that too, and I’m pretty pissed off at myself for deciding to do more than just eloping. I had a feeling we should have just eloped, but then I found the dream dress and wanted to have a wee bit of an audience for it.
I’m at the point where I would cancel it and just elope, but the invitations are already out and the dress is already paid for and the hall is already paid for and so on and so forth.
It just seem that, every time we inch up towards the ladder of success, something happens to knock us down a few feet.
So what am I, what are we, going to do about this?
Keep shoving through. That’s life, it sucks most of the time and things rarely go the way you want them too. We’re still having the wedding, we’re just going to cut back even more on certain things. We’ll get the truck fixed because we need to get it fixed, we’ll need it especially if and when I get a full-time job. Matt’s still going to school this September and I will eventually go as well, but in the meantime I’m going to focus on helping him get through it and saving for me to go and for us to still be comfortable while I’m going.
I may feel down and pissy right now about the way things are turning out, but I’m determined not to stay down. I’ll get back up, we’ll get back up. We always do.