A Longing

Some times, living with the in-laws is super awesome. It’s convenient and even fun. But occasionally, it kind of sucks. Even if you have a perfect, happy relationship with your in-laws – or your parents for that matter – and you live with them, you can’t tell me that sometimes you don’t get along and sometimes being under the same roof is stressful and annoying.

It was hard, merging two households into one. It was hard going from living on our own with our baby to living with other people, with our baby. When we lived on our own, we only had ourselves to answer to. But when you live with other people, obviously it’s not just about you and the way you do things. You know?

Lately, it hasn’t really been feeling like my home here. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I still feel overlooked and under-valued. It’s probably all in my head – hells, actually I know it’s all in my head. But still, the feeling is there.

It gets stressful living with the in-laws, mainly because how Matt and I do things is completely different.

See, I’m kind of old-fashioned. Kind of. By no means do I believe for one second that I’m supposed to do all the cooking and cleaning and child rearing. Matt does a hell of a lot for someone who’s so rarely here, we make decisions together, and we try to make sure things are as equal as they can be.

But that means that, when he’s working 12 hours a day 7 days a week, he kind of gets a free ‘get out of jail free’ card when it comes to cleaning. He’s not really here to make the mess, and what little mess he does do I’m okay with cleaning [note; unless it’s nail clippings. Then that’s just NASTY and I bitch and moan about it for days].

When Matt comes from work, he jumps in the shower and has dinner. Then he plays with N for about an hour, and then does N’s ‘bedtime routine’ (bath, bottle, books, cuddles and bed). That’s all the time they’ve been getting together lately, so I’ll take it. He’ll take it. I know he misses N, and he’s sad that he misses out on a lot of the milestones first hand.

This usually gives me time to clean the kitchen. But sometimes, I get lazy. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and waste some time on the Interwebz. Sometimes I want to write a blog post or read a friend’s blog. Sometimes I just want to be have a night of silence and stillness, and avoid the dishes and nightly clean up.

Sometimes, I ask Matt. Usually he does it, occasionally he’ll tell me he really needs to sit down for a bit and that he’ll do it later (and more often than not, during those times he forgets). I get it, masonry work is super hard work. It’s physically grueling and exhausting. Hells, after my day of being a stay at home mom I’m totally wiped so I can understand where he’s coming from.

And if the dishes are there the next morning, I’ll do them that day. Because sometimes, I need ‘a night off’, even if the next day I have to do ‘more’. I find on those days, I don’t mind doing ‘more’. I can handle it because I was able to relax and unwind the night before.

Anyway, where it gets complicated is that it’s not just Matt, myself and N. We’re sharing living quarters with JDC, Matt’s step-mom. So then I feel guilty and bad because I’m ‘not keeping the house clean enough’, in my mind. Usually JDC doesn’t really say anything about it. I can tell she gets annoyed at certain stuff and I try my hardest to keep the clutter down (but with five people and one baby living in this house…well, it gets difficult) but like I said, sometimes I don’t want to clean. It isn’t always, as I clean the kitchen every day several times a day, but still.

If it were just Matt and I, it wouldn’t be a problem. I miss the feeling of having a home. I miss the feeling of it being my home. I miss not feeling guilty if I ‘take a night off’ to enjoy some time with my husband to be. I miss it being our decision about really super important things, or even the not so important things.

Some days, I really want to get out and get an apartment. Today is one of those days. I just want our own space again, a place that we can call our home, where I can let the dishes sit in the sink one night every once in a while and spend some quality time with my hard-working husband to be. Where I can relax and unwind however I see fit. Where N’s toys can take over and it won’t matter to us. Where Matt and I can shower together should the mood strike us to do so. Where I can paint the walls whatever colour I want and decorate however I want without feeling guilty because it’s not really my house, you know?

And I’m not meaning to bash my step mom in law or anything, I’m appreciative of a lot of the things she does. There are just some times (like today) where I wish we could have our own space, like really have our own space, for all the reasons that go with it.

Anyways, I just needed to write that out. I’m not sure what would be more stressful; having our own place and therefore, more bills/monthly expenses, or staying here and sharing living quarters with JDC. Not that she’s difficult to live with, but just that we’re sharing living quarters with someone else, you know? Trying to raise a baby (and considering having more in the next few years) while you’re not completely on your own is rather difficult. Sure, it’s nice to have a “built in babysitter” but we rarely use that card, you know?

ANYWAYS, moving right along…

I was able to capture a little bit of Matt and N’s play on the camera; N loves play time with daddy.

P.S. In case you didn’t catch the drift, boys’ rock. Not saying girls’ don’t or anything, but I love being surrounded by my two favourite boys!



Filed under bitchin' and moanin', challenges, family, figuring it out, I don't know, just thoughts, little moments, love love love, mama musings, Nolan, pictures, reflecting, the difficult, the random, this crazy train, this is my life, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

9 responses to “A Longing

  1. Cri

    totally understand where you’re coming from, we lived with my parents and then with taylors before we were able to eventually get our own place, and then when we moved back here had to stay with my parents again for three months. it is definitely stressful! and majorly frustrating having to live up to someone else’s standards of how they want things to be. You’ll get through it, and when you guys are on your own again, will definitely appreciate it all the more !

  2. oh man, i could totally eat up nolan’s little toes! NOM NOM NOM!

    and yeah- i can totally see what you mean. i’ve lived on my own twice, once when i was 19, and now again. every other time i’ve either lived with boyfriends or roommates- and even THAT can be hard. you have to agree on paint colours, furniture, etc. i’m a total neat freak and i can’t handle clutter or messy kitchens, but even i get tired. it’s nice that i have the option to leave a few dishes in the sink for a night if i really don’t feel like getting around to putting them away. i can only imagine how much harder it would be to be living with an in-law.

    you and matt have such a young, fresh relationship… and you have this brand new little family of your own. although it’s nice to have the help and lower expenses, it definitely is a bummer that you don’t have your own little home, for your own little family. i do think it’s important to take the time to do things together- even if it’s a fifteen minute shower, or cuddling up on the couch.

    you have tons going on (wedding! wedding! wedding!) so maybe once that’s done and you can stop worrying about those expenses, you can look into apartment life!

    try not to stress too much sugar- good things come to those who wait.


    – e

    • He does have adorable toes lmao! I love them.

      Actually, that might be our plan. We wouldn’t be able to move out until next Spring, but at that point we’ll see. 🙂 it all depends on if I can find a full time job though…

      And I know, I’ve been feeling more and more that way (about our own home) for the past little while. We’re going to be newly weds with a child, so..yeah. If we didn’t need our privacy and independence before, we’ll need it now lmao!

      and no worries, you didn’t stress me out! xoxo

  3. Nolan looks SO much like Matt. Adorable!

  4. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting you own space. I don’t care how wonderful JDC is. She can shit rainbows and raise unicorns for all I care when it comes to this. You guys have every right to want your own place. Yes there are a lot of advantages to living where you are living. But you are right that there is a certain amount of freedom in having your own space. Be patient, luv. Enjoy the help with living space now, while you have it. Once you are done planning a wedding, open up an account for your house fund. Set aside a certain amount of each paycheck to deposit in that fund. In a few years, ten years, whenever, you will have a down payment on your own home. By then, hopefully you’ll be able to afford the utility bills that come with it. But I want to make sure you understand that there is nothing wrong with wanting your own space. It doesn’t make you ungrateful in any way, it makes you human.

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