Stuck at the bottom of this ladder…

Another hot day has faded into darkness, cooling off slightly but not enough to make up for the amount of sweating I did today. The past few days have been ridiculously hot, so hot that Matt and I have been arguing and getting on each others’ nerves like crazy. We both get super cranky and irritable when overheated, and this weather? Grantees being constantly overheated.

But, the day wasn’t a total loss. I got a haircut {which sorta helped with the whole being overheated bit}, purchased a booster seat for Nolan, and got to nap for two hours. Then I spoke to my “worker” from the employment agency {you know, that agency that does job placements} about possibly taking a free 12 week course to gain office administration skills. This course is run by a “practice firm”, they basically have you work for them for free for 12 months and they teach you all necessary office administration skills. I qualify for this free program because Matt and I fall under the low-income category {I know, not something I’m proud of admitting, but hey, let’s be honest here}. If I do this, then after my 12 weeks are up, this practice agency will work with the job placement agency and help me get a job as a receptionist. It won’t be in a hospital or doctors office, but it will still be in an office environment.

So, I have an appointment with the practice firm on Tuesday to learn more about it; like the hours and such. I’m allowed to bring Nolan, because they’re very understanding of the fact that finding a sitter for an hour and a bit is just hard to do sometimes. Plus, they help tons of people in our situation {young parents, struggling to get situated}.

I’m really hoping that I can figure something out. Obviously, the only thing holding me back is the day care issue. If this course is during the day, for long periods of time, every day all week-long, well…I’m kind of screwed. I obviously can’t ask Matt to watch him, as he’s actually going to college and paying big money to do so, and I can’t ask anyone out here family wise because they all work or are busy raising/looking after their own new babies…so yeah. I’m hoping that they’ll offer an evening program, after Matt gets home from school. Because that would just be amazing! But I’m not holding my breath, because as a “practice firm” I’m pretty sure they run during the regular office hours as every other office out there.

12 weeks seems like such a long time, but then I could dive into a full-time job. Maybe. As I’ve already said, the practice firm doesn’t cost anything and is well known around town and my chances for a position in an office setting will increase tenfold if I do it. If I can do it, that is.

I know we’d be okay if I didn’t find a full time job, because I’m on ODSP and Matt will be on EI and working odd jobs, but I really want this to work out some how, so I can feel more secure in everything. I love staying home full time with Nolan, don’t get me wrong, but I can still be a full time mama and work. It’d be hard, but tons of women do it. And I don’t want to be entirely dependant on ODSP forever — I know I won’t be but I still feel guilty for being on it – even now. Yes, I have a disability that serverely limits the jobs I can accept and the hours I can work, so I do need it, but I still feel bad for being on it.

I just want to work, in a job that I can physically do full-time for 40 hours a week. A job with a ladder to climb, maybe benefits and a decent pay. I want to bring something to the table that isn’t just ‘I’m a stay at home mom’ – and before y’all get mad at me for saying that and jump to the defense of stay at home moms, I’m not disbuting that stay at home moms work hard because they do. I know they do, because I’m one of them. But most stay at home moms have work experience, and college educations that they’ve taken time away from to be a SAHM. They can go back to work and make good money if need be whenever they want. In my case, I don’t have a college education, or a career to fall back on in times of need. I do work, part time, and I love it, but I just feel like it’s not the same, you know?

I just feel completely at odds with all my peers. I am a young, stay at home mom on disability. I have goals, yes, and long to get a career under my belt and give my child a life where money will never be a concern or stress {or at least, not in the way it is now}. I feel like I’m standing at the bottom of this ladder, looking up at everyone I know climbing it, stuck. I can’t move up, not for a while anyway, not unless these small things pan out for me.

A full-time office job would solve so many current worries. And if I could land a full-time office job from taking this 12 week program at the practice firm, why not? Right? If it gets me slightly closer to my goals of going to college and getting into office admin medical, why not do it? I’d obviously make {and save} more money working full-time than staying on ODSP. ODSP pays our living expenses, but that’s it {not bashing it, again, I’m entirely thankful I have this resource}.

So, fingers crossed for me? Pretty please?

And, in other news…Nolan has finally figured out how to climb the coffee table successfully. He’s been trying to figure it out for days now, much to my dismay. Today, he actually climbed up on top of it and stood up. Yeah, talk about giving me a heart attack.

He was so proud of himself though, and laughed as he stood up to hug me. I can’t believe how much of a dare-devil this little man is, and how much of a tester he is. He knows how to test both Matt and I…sometimes I think that Nolan likes being in trouble. LOL! He’s so like his daddy.



Filed under challenges, figuring it out, I don't know, insecurties, issues, just thoughts, mama musings, on young motherhood, ranting, reflecting, self image, stuff that bites, telling stories, the difficult, tough stuff, um what?, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

11 responses to “Stuck at the bottom of this ladder…

  1. tierney

    Hi there. Glad to hear about the 12 week program! I hope it all works out. We’ve talked before about your surgeries as well as my back surgery & I was hoping you’d be able to email me to discuss ODSP. Since my last surgery in June my doctor signed the papers stating my disabilty to the MTO & now I’m considered in that sense but, with being a full time University student who’s been unable to work since June, I’m looking for some type of funding which..needless to say I haven’t gotten. Any help would be SO appreciated & you can contact me through my email address. Thanks!

  2. Do whatever you have to do to get yourself to college. In this economy you need every possible advantage. As for SAHM’s being able to go back to work when they’re ready…I’m not so sure. The longer you’ve been gone, the more irrelevant you are to a potential employer (so I’ve read) even though all the experience of raising kids and running a household would, in many ways, make one an ideal employee. Sucks…

    Good luck!

    • I agree; not having a college degree and stable job is what stresses me out about everything, this ecnomony is too unstable, AND toss in the fact that I can’t just go out and get a fast food joint job, and we’ve got ourselves a wee situation.

      You would think that being a SAHM, managing EVERYTHING from household duties, childcares, cooking, meal plans, shopping, money handling yaada yada yaa would grantee a fly job in a company as it translates to excellent multitasking skills…but most employers just see the gap of missing “work years”.

      And thank you!

  3. Ooh, that 12-week program sounds like it might be a big help. Do you guys have anything like Care for Kids? It’s daycare aid. In the States it usually covers most or all daycare expenses.

    Love the hair!!

  4. I feel ya on this one. I just blogged about the SAHM thing, actually. And my son gets disability, but I want to be off it SO badly, that I’ve thought ab getting a job to make up that amount.

    Sounds like you’ve got some good plans in place, though. And it seems like it takes forever, but finances do get better (as we move up/get better at handling them) over time.

    I also love the hair! Makes me want to go get mine done!

  5. Blaine

    I sure hope you get into that program, it sounds great! Also that they have some sort of arrangement for evenings or something. Even if you could do the program half time in the evenings after Mat gets home, for 24 weeks instead? I wonder if they would arrange that?

    I can see where you think you might have offended people- the SAHM comment, but as a SAHM, I’m not offended. lol You’re so sweet to worry about offending your blog readers, and I know exactly what you mean. Being a SAHM is a full time, hard job. BUT, to potential employers, you might as well say that you were sitting around doing drugs, since it seems to garnish the same value in their eyes. Plus, the lack of pay for being a Mom, means no contribution to the family bank account, and I know how stressful that can feel.

    Chris was lucky enough to get a great job with great pay and all that out here, after applying for over 3 years. Half the time, I feel grateful that I can stay home and take care of Eric, cook suppers, etc, and half the time (or more, really) I feel guilty that I don’t bring in any money, and truthfully, I spend a lot of it. (Mostly groceries and other NECESSARY stuff, but still Chris gets annoyed when I say the words ‘need’ ‘buy’ ‘store’ ‘shopping’ or anything similar. lol!)

    I don’t agree with your statement that most SAHM’s are people who have gone to college, or have careers to go back to, though. I think a large portion of SAHM’s, if they went back into the workforce, would be working as cashiers at grocery stores, or other ‘no experience required’ positions. I have no training, no experience and basically, would be going to the grocery store if I needed a job. I think that’s why it’s so tough for women to choose to go back to work. Unless they can make arrangements to work opposite shifts of their partner, they have to pay for daycare/babysitters, and it’s just not worth it.

    Chris and I decided a long time ago that since I have no training/whatever, me going back to work would be a waste of time and energy, since we would most likely pay out in daycare fees more than I could bring home after taxes.

    The only family I have in town is my BIL/ignorant SIL who would do nothing to help us if we needed it, and my FIL/MIL who are wonderful, sweet people, but have their own troubles, as well as being constant on-call babysitters for BIL/ig-SIL’s kids, so the thought of relying on them to watch Eric while I work would be laughable, at best.

    Anyway, I’ve gotten way off track here. lol

    It is admirable that you want to do better, want to get off of the disability payments, even though you are more than deserving. You must have some kind of insane work ethic, lol, I know it’s not easy for you to do a lot of things, but you still do. It’s inspiring. 🙂

    It’s nice to see a Mom who wants to set such a good example for her son. If, God forbid, Nolan ever goes through what you did/still do, surgery and pain-wise, he will know to still try, and keep trying.

    And OMG, ON THE COFFEE TABLE? Eric’s been climbing a lot of things lately, but he listens quite well and knows what he’s not allowed to do. (thank god!) I would have a heart attack if I saw him on the coffee table! He climbed up on a little stool a few weeks ago and when I saw him standing on it (so proud of himself) I just about shit my pants. lol (seriously) Good luck with your little daredevil!*

    *I’ve been told that’s a boy thing. Another reason I’m hoping this next one is a girl! hahahaha… (But if I have another boy, don’t tell him I said that.)

    • Yes, you’re right of course. Lexi had a lovely snippet to put in a resume about being a SAHM, only like more professional sounding. It made me giggle. And want to add it to my resume!!

      And you’re also right about boys; DAREDEVILS. Daredevils who want to give their mamas a heart attack! lol

  6. That 12 week program sounds awesome! I totally have my fingers crossed for you. Believe me I understand how the heat makes everyone cranky. Check out my latest post about the 6am argument.

    Anyway, I think it’s great that despite your disability, you are still actively pursuing a full-time job! Many people wouldn’t be that ambitious.
    Fingers crossed! Hope you get the program 🙂

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