Being Better

I am constantly on a mission to improve myself in any way possible. When I’m old and gray, I don’t want to look back on my life and feel unfulfilled. I want to look back and know I did the best I possibly could and be happy about everything I’ve accomplished and done.

But lately? I’ve been slacking. Just a little. I’ve lost my gusto. I still want to improve myself, I still want to be better and succeed, but because I have no idea how I’ll get to where I want to be, I’m kind of…stuck. I suppose it doesn’t help that I haven’t been doing my simple self-improvement chores, like keeping the house clean, for example. Keeping your house clean definitely puts you in a better frame of mind. I mean, I keep the kitchen and bathroom clean but I’ve let the dinning room and living room fall into dismay again. Why? I dunno. Maybe I’m saving energy for the serious amount of packing I need to do this week. Which I was actually going to start right now while Nolan naps, but realized I forgot to buy huge industrial sized garbage bags and totes from Walmart….damnit. I did not plan today very well…but it’s not really my fault. I had a meeting this morning that sort of flipped my day around a bit and instead of going to Walmart and buying the things I need to start packing, I went to a meeting.

Yep, I finally made it to that practice firm for the introduction meeting. I was supposed to go yesterday, but it completely slipped my mind, andΒ  I didn’t end up checking my phone until after I was home {around 9:50} and then got the little scheduler reminder that I had set up for the meeting. I had to call them, and re-book it. I nearly forgot about it again today!!! I was holding Nolan, looking out the window with him. We were both watching Matt get in his truck, and I was mentally preparing myself for the wild goose chase I was about to partake in; finding moving boxes big enough for our clothes, when I remembered the appointment.

So, I rushed to get myself and Nolan ready for the appointment, as well as grab my marriage certificate and new banking info so I could drop it off at the ODSP office on my way home from the appointment.

I was nervous at first, but then I started to relax. I filled out an intake form and the lady in charge of the program explained to me what they did. Basically, you improve your computer skills and learn other office skills and handle “virtual” money and all that jazz. They give you a parking pass or a bus pass, and they also help you find a job. You actively job search while you’re in the program and if you happen to find {and get} a job before your program term is up {they run for 12 weeks} then you just go straight to work and you don’t have to finish the program. The goal is to help you find a job and give you experience so that you’re qualified to work. They’ve put me on the list for October, but I have one slight problem: day care.

Because the practice firm runs like an actual job, from 8:30-4:30, I have to get day care for Nolan. Which wouldn’t really be a problem if Matt was working, but he’s in school so our only source of income right now is ODSP. ODSP covers our living expenses, but that’s about it. So we definitely can’t afford to put Nolan in day care, even if it’s subsidized.

Which is a bummer, because how am I supposed to do this 12 week program with no one to watch Nolan? I wish I lived around the corner from a family member who would be willing to watch him for absolutely free. I know, that’s wishful thinking – every family member I know is either down South or works full time. Or both.

It’s still doable {I think}, just not right now. I’m debating on calling them back and asking if I can enroll in a summer program, and have Matt watch Nolan instead of working. That would super suck, because the summer money we also depend on, but if I could finish the program in August and find a job immediately, we would be okay for the rest of the school year, but only if I landed a job immediately.

UGH. Why does it have to be so complicated??!? Trying to better yourself is seriously hard work, especially when you’re running out of resources and options. 😦


Anyway, this whole situation sort of reminds me of something else I faced a while ago, when I was about to have my first surgery after Nolan’s birth. I asked the nurses and doctors if there was any kind of system that would help me with Nolan. Obviously, caring for an infant {or child} after you have invasive surgery isn’t really doable. I thought that there must be some kind of organization set up that helps you out during your recovery period after a surgery. You know, an organization that funds for your child to go in day care while you’re recovering, something like that? Well, when I asked about it, the nurse told me there was no such thing.

“There should be,” I can remember saying, shocked. “What about the people who can’t afford day care, and their partners can’t afford to take time off work? Or perhaps they don’t have a partner and it’s just them. What do they do when they need to have major surgery and have a child? What happens to that child?”

“I guess they have a family member or friend help out…” was her response.

I sat there, sort of completely stunned. What if they don’t have a family member or friend to help out? What if all their family members and friends can’t take time off work to watch their child? Then what? I know I was lucky, and my mom and granny and cousin were able to all help me out between care for Nolan and after surgery care for me, but what if they hadn’t been able to?

Somebody needs to start an organization for such people, and for people who can’t afford subsidized day care too. I told the head of the practice firm that if they had a free day care set up, I’m sure even more people could benefit from their program. 12 weeks is all I need, 12 weeks and then a million doors will open for me and a million job opportunities will become available.

One day, I hope I have the money and the resources to actually set up an organization that can help with this: one for people who need surgeries but have no help with their children, and one for people sort stuck in the limbo of low-income. Maybe bursaries to win free day care or something?

I’m sure it’s not a subject that most of you have thought about before. But it is an interesting one. What do you think?


I want to go places, I’m just now sure how I’ll get there. I know I will, but the getting there is a challenge that sometimes makes me want to fall to my knees and cry. I can’t believe I’ve screwed myself over this much.

{Forgive me; I’m just having a sad day. I blame the rain.}



Filed under annoyances, bitchin' and moanin', challenges, crazy mama, family, fears, figuring it out, insecurties, issues, just thoughts, on young motherhood, ranting, reflecting, self image, self improvement, stuff that bites, stupid mistakes, the bad, the difficult, the random, the ugly, tough stuff, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling

6 responses to “Being Better

  1. What if you had a local friend watch him and you either paid her once you started working, or did something in return for her? Didn’t your SIL just have a baby? She is home, right? Can’t she help or is it too soon for her? I wish I could help Jess, I really do.

    • I dunno, I’m kinda intimated to outright ask cause I know she’s super busy with her life, ya know? And no worries, I’m sure I can deal with waiting for 2 years lol 😦 it just sucks. I’m so impatient I just wanna be going somewhere {career wise}.

  2. *hugs*

    I wish I could help. Damn the miles between us! ):

  3. Blaine

    Oh man. If we lived in the same town (or even a half an hour away or something!) I would say drop him off everyday, no problem!

    I agree there SHOULD be something like that, but it’s unfortunate that no one has stepped up and gone through with it. The hard thing is, there’s not enough day cares out there right now, so placement in one is extremely difficult. (Not to mention the OMG prices they charge.) Daycare should be subsidized or free if you make less than $150000/year as a family. Seriously.

    It would be nice if colleges had subsidized or free day care, too, more people could go to school, too!

    I have a feeling if you wrote a letter to your local member of parliament/politician and asked if they know anything about any programs like that, or suggest starting one, it would be a good idea. Even if there’s just a daycare opened that is exclusively for people who qualify for that 12 week program, it would be very beneficial in your city! It would help Moms and Dads get their foot in the door at a job, and I’m sure could help the local economy! lol

    Maybe ask at the 12 week program place if they would be willing to try to organize something, if they could get funding for it from the government? It might get approved if they try!

  4. Cri

    I think that is a FANTASTIC IDEA!!! Seriously, stick that in your pocket and don’t let it go. Someday the doors will open!

    Also I want to eventually get my doula license and specializing in helping teen/young mums with also some life coaching help too. They just don’t get enough support!
    You getting me watching those pregnancy teen shows is really making me come up with some ideas and stuff. So yeah! Thanks you! You inadvertently have pushed me in a direction for what I want to do after this babeh πŸ˜€

    Working on bettering yourself is always a good thing. But just make sure to give yourself lots of forgiveness and love too. You are a wonderful person! Don’t forget it ❀

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