Meltdown

Today, I had a huge meltdown. Everything from the past little while was just sitting on my chest, crushing me with its weight and I had {and still have} no idea what to do to solve any of the puzzles that are in pieces in front of me. I’m standing here, feeling like a complete waste of skin and am utterly helpless. I wanted to write about it, and I wanted to write about everything that has been going on lately, but…I suppose you could say that I have ‘censorship’ block.

But I’m trying again, because I really do need some good writing therapy. I don’t need answers or suggestions, I just need to let it all out, yanno? And sometimes, the only place I feel like I can do such a thing is my blog. This is my outlet, and it’s been my outlet for so long now. I’ve learned how to zip my mouth about certain subjects, because not all laundry is meant to be aired…which is why I’m having such a hard time writing about this topic, because it involves money and being broke and stress and other ugly things people don’t necessarily want to read about.

However, there is something strong that is keeping these words flowing, and that is the thought that maybe by sharing I can help some other person in my place. Another young mom who is struggling to stay afloat.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be honest and open about everything; our triumphs as a family, and our struggles. Because in reality, it can’t all be rainbows and butterflies {but I so wish it could be}. For the most part, I’ve failed. I have been keeping my struggles, our struggles, to myself. I didn’t want anybody to think any less of me, or to judge us. But you know what? I’m doing the same thing that everyone else in this society does. I’m pretending that my shit don’t stink, that my life is perfect when it isn’t, and it’s not real.

And so, I’m going to try to hit that submit button.

::::

For months, I dealt with incredible stress and unhappiness living at my step MIL’s house. We had over stayed our welcome, we all felt that our entire family was too co-mingled, nobody was enjoying the arrangement anymore.

We decided to move out, Matt and I just felt that it would help lessen the tension on our relationship with his step mom and dad. And we were okay, because with disability and me working part-time, we would have had more than enough money to cover our basic living expenses. Yes, we would have to make sacrifices but we were so willing to make them in exchange for a little breathing room. We weren’t going to have TV or Internet {both of which we have now as a gift from Matt’s mom, Kim, while Matt’s in school}, and we were fine with that. We were going to take Matt’s truck off the road and use one vehicle.

And so, we found ourselves a lovely home, in a beautiful area 5 minutes away from my work and Matt’s school. The price was right and the landlords were wonderful. We signed the lease, handed over first and last and made preparations to move in. It was expensive, on account of we had to buy our own appliances and living room furniture etc. But we made it work with help from disability.

But then, the day we were moving into our new home, I found out from my worker that Matt’s year-to-date numbers on his separation papers don’t add up with what they have for him. Which means, basically, they over paid us. Which means we could owe them up a lot of money {a lot of money to us anyway}. I don’t know how this is even possible, but according to them it is. So now my disability is up for review. Which could mean two things; we could owe them and/or we could have my disability cut off. Which means that huge chunk of money coming in, that huge chunk of money that we were depending on in order to make this work? Would be gone.

Disability has been so slow with this whole review thing. I found out that this situation was happening on the 10th, it is now the 22nd and I’m no where closer to finding out what’s going to happen. I’ve submitted all my paperwork again, and I am waiting for my worker to do her job. Hell, I don’t even know if she’s looked at it or started my review yet, since every single time I call her she’s not in the office. And maybe she is doing her job and someone else isn’t, but really? I’m about to break from all the pressure I’m under.

Picture me as a vase; a vase that was broken into a thousand pieces and then glued back together again, and then someone decides to fill that broken, glued together vase with water and the water keeps seeping out of the cracks and the vase keeps looking as though it’s just going to burst and send broken vase pieces and water flying around with a tremendous POP.

All I wanted for us, was a home that we could be happy in. And we could be happy in this one, if we knew the outcome of all this bullshit. We do have plans, but we can’t even begin to go about executing them until we find out what the fuck is going on. And how do you find out what the fuck is going on when your worker is never in the office? Right now; we’re stuck in a pool of thick, swampy stress and it sucks.

I am furious. I keep picturing that woman I saw the first day I went down to the disability office to have my intake appointment, the woman who kept dropping beer bottles. The glass would shatter on the floor, inside the disability office and the receptionist wouldn’t even bother to pay attention. Beer and glass were everywhere thanks to this lady, and the reception just pretended to see nothing. I later watched this woman take her monthly disability check and leave, leaving the broken beer glass and beer mess in the waiting area. It angers me that I had to fight so damn hard to get disability, and now I’m having such trouble trying to keep it while that lady probably has absolutely no trouble at all.

Sorry, that’s just my bitterness talking. I’m really not meaning to judge that lady, who knows what kind of life she’s had and has. I’m just entirely frustrated with this situation. I feel like stomping my feet and crying. How come everything I touch turns to shit?

And all this crap just fuels my secret fear; that I’m not good enough.

Really though, we are trying to figure this crap out. And we do have some plans. We’ve listed Matt’s truck for sale, along with all of its bells and whistles. I have no idea what we’ll be allowed to do with the money, but it will relieve some stress, I’d hope. It will either go to paying off our overpayments, or the next few months of rent/living expenses. In any case, we can’t afford to keep both vehicles. It’s sad, and it hurts my heart that Matt has to sell his beloved truck, but we keep telling ourselves just two more years. We just need to get through two more years of this kind of living.

We’ll be alright; it’s just going to be a REALLY tight month {or two} while we wait for Matt’s unemployment to kick in {he’s in school full-time and can’t work because I work when he’s not in school} and for disability to figure out what’s going on with the whole review thing. It’s just an insane amount of stress and stupidness that we didn’t factor in. But hey, I’m told that’s life, right?

On a brighter note; Matt is still doing amazing in school. He’s loving it, and I’m so glad and proud of him. If it weren’t for all this silly money stress, we’d be living the high life!

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27 Comments

Filed under annoyances, bitchin' and moanin', challenges, dumbass people, ed-u-ma-cation, figuring it out, issues, just thoughts, on young motherhood, ranting, reflecting, stuff that bites, the difficult, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling, worry wart, writing

27 responses to “Meltdown

  1. Cri

    im so so sorry. we’ve experienced things similar to this, but never this intense! I am so sorry about disability I know first hand how ridiculous it can get and im the type of person who want all the plans figured out right away and when you have to wait, on some other person to get it together and let you know whats going to be happening it is SO MADDENING! and by that i mean makes you a crazy person.

    Jess, you are not a worthless person! You are amazing and wise and kind and a fantastic mother and wife! Seriously! You are my role model when it comes to having a kid young while dealing with physical issues. No one but you ( in my life) understands what its like, and you are doing this mom gig SO successfully despite all that and it’s what gives me HUGE HOPE that I will be able to do this too!

    You are not a screw up. You are not less than.
    xo

  2. I definitely read this and related – I think most people have struggled at times in their life financially – us included. Money is so damned stressful!!
    I hope things work out- the outcome isn’t because of you, though! Sometimes, things just suck, unfortunately.

  3. Oh man, that’s hard. I’m really sorry you’re getting the runaround from the bureaucracy. That is SOOOO frustrating! We’re having a couple of really tight months here too…not so tight we won’t have food on the table and a roof over our heads, mind you, but…tight. Hang in there!

  4. Wow Jess. I wish I had something profound or witty to say but I don’t. All I’ve got is that you’ll make it through this and in 20 you’ll look back proud. Keep your chin up girl xoxoxo

  5. Blaine

    *hugs*

    Jess, you should be proud that you guys are doing what you are. Matt’s in school, to get you guys on the right path. You are doing a fantastic job with Nolan, and you’re working when you can.

    This quote from your post “If it weren’t for all this silly money stress, we’d be living the high life!” is something I think almost all of us say, at some point or another. I’m still saying it. A lot. Our situation is not as stressful as yours, with the disability payment issues, but I can sympathize.

    I hope you get the disability stuff sorted out soon. Good luck, hon. xoxo

    • It just sucks that, in my opinion, when you’re IN school they make things so goddamn hard and act like you’re trying to rip the system off when obviously you’re trying to get AHEAD so you don’t NEED the system!

      Thanks Blaine, I hope it gets sorted out soon too.

  6. Shruthi

    Jess,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what us going on with you. I hope everything gets sorted out soon and you’re not this stressed. I don’t want to say it will get better and so on. I don’t now how things work there. I really hope things get better for you and your family…

    HUGS

  7. Karen in Oz

    Hi Jess,

    Long time lurker, first time posting. Just wanted to say hang in there. Definitely been there with the stresses of money and it certainly brings with it so much stress that it sucks. I hope everything is sorted out soon and everything will be ok so there is less money stress.
    You and Matt are certainly on the right path with Matt in School and You working as much as you can. Really hope that everything sorts itself out. Just wanted to say you are a great Mommy and Nolan is so lucky to have such two wonderful Parent’s πŸ™‚

  8. On April 15 I had to pay the government over $2000 in taxes because the HR person at my job “helped” me fill out the forms incorrectly (I don’t like owing). On April 23 I was laid off.

    There goes the cushion of money that would have helped with being laid off.

    I get you, Jess, I do.

    This is why I hate money so much. It is the root of so many problems.

    • OMFG.
      And that HR person kept their job? Cause that…is BULLSHIT. Is there anyway you could fight it?

      And the problem with money and it being the root of all problems, is that without it…you CAN’T be happy. There’s no way. You need enough of it to life and have all your neccessary expenses covered, and when you don’t have enough to even do that…how on earth can you remain happy? GRR.

      xoxo Poppy!

  9. J from Ireland

    Hey, sorry for being a shit commenter but I just had to today.
    My heart aches for you both, you are trying all that you can and getting nowhere, for now. It won’t always be like this, I know, I have been there when my kids were younger, it just sucks. I have no advice for you really, only when you do have money you will become so careful, you will never be in this situation again. The very best of luck and good fortune to you.

    • It’s okay J, no worries. And I know it won’t always be like this….but right now sucks lol. The annoyingly frustrating thing is that we ARE careful with money, and didn’t move out until we were positive we’d be okay…but then disability told us this crap and we risk getting cut off which is a HUGE source of our income. 😦

      Thank you J, I hope we get some good fortune soon! {when it comes to the moneys}

  10. the celt (jessica)

    I think a lot of people have been in your shoes. I’ve never fully be comfortable with my own money situation (I get very stressed about money due to situations when I was growing up) or with discussing it (especially when we’re having our problems financially, which *whew* have we!), so I get where you’re coming from. Keep your head up. You and Matt are resilient people. No advice, just know that a lot of people are thinking and praying for you guys and for the ludicrous disability situation to get cleared up sooner rather than later.

  11. That vase analogy was a really good one; I could picture exactly how you feel, and compare it to times when I’ve felt that way. It’s not a fun feeling.

    It will pass, though, and I’m here for you. <333

  12. Pingback: Struggles, and dreaming of that whimsical place… « The Bottle Chronicles

  13. Oh Hun, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! That beer bottle woman sounds terrifying. But I totally know what it’s like to be broke. We’re going through it now.

    But anyway, I know you and Matt will make it through this time!! XO

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