Struggles, and dreaming of that whimsical place…

One of the things that I have always prided myself on being is honest. Sure, I omit certain details of my life to keep some stuff to myself and for myself, but I have always tried to be honest with my writing. Raw honesty. From the heart musings. In high school, I used to blog exactly how I felt the moment I felt it. I really had no filter, and I’d often end up eating my words. I suppose I’ve reeled myself in a tiny bit since then. I am more aware now, more hesitate when posting from the heart because I’ve learned that sometimes, my seemingly innocent musings can hurt others, or even myself in the long run.

But I still want to be honest. I don’t exactly know what I want to be known for, everyone has a niche that they fit into. I’m not sure I fit anywhere. I’m that puzzle piece that just doesn’t seem to have a place, the one that doesn’t fit just right anywhere in the blogging world. I think that, if I had to be known as anything, I would want it to be my raw honesty and words from the heart. I would want my stories, my thoughts, to provoke strong emotions in others. Not bad ones, like anger and resentment, but good ones like inspiration and respect.

I want to be respected for my words, but I know that isn’t always the case. I know that there are people out there who hide behind nasty words and the anonymous cloak. I have been fortunate, and I’ve not come across any of those people in my little blogging nook on the Internet. And for that, I am truly thankful. I honestly think that I have the world’s greatest readers, people who generally care about me and care what I have to say. Not once have I had someone attacking me here, trying to bring me down and make me feel inferior. All I get from this blog is support and strength. Which is why I write…because this blog, and my readers – you wonderful guys – have become the shoulder for me to cry on.

I do get that with Matt, don’t get me wrong, and it’s wonderful and beautiful and he is my rock. But I love that I can come here, share my thoughts and struggles and hopes and dreams, and you guys get it as much as he does. I get feedback and suggestions that I may not have thought up of. And, I love that I can come here when I simply don’t want to stress Matt out anymore with all my fears and worries, and share them with you guys and suddenly feel a hell of a lot better. Then I’m able to walk with my head held high, and be strong for my family.

Writing is such a powerful outlet, one I couldn’t imagine not having anymore. I love words. I love the community around my blog. I love this all and I try to ensure that my gift, in return for the awesomeness that all my readers and supporters provide me, is raw honesty.

I dislike blogs that only talk about the good things because while they are important, it just feels fake. It feels like a coverup. I personally believe that it’s good to get the not-so-good things out there because then someone like me, someone who is struggling to stay afloat in a sea of mishaps can read that honesty, can read those words of truth and not feel so alone.

I hope that my struggles and adventures help someone else one day. I hope that I can collect all my memories on this blog and read them when I am older and I’ve gotten there, there being that whimsical place we all long to be at; that place where you’re financially stable and prepared to take on any crappy incidents the world throws in your face because in this whimsical place you can do anything, and remember how hard it was and remember how great it was through it and succeed.

So it’s important for me to remember to be honest and raw with my writing, to lay it all out on the line.

It’s hard to admit the things that I’ve omitted out of embarrassment. Did you know that I used to go to the food bank when we lived in our first apartment, back when Nolan was a newborn? Probably not. I think the only people who knew about that were my mother-in-law and Cristy, who suggested the idea to me. It was only ever when we really needed it, but it still embarrassed me. I couldn’t look any of the volunteers in the eyes, I was afraid I’d see their disgust and worse, pity, for me not being able to afford groceries for my family {not saying that going to the food bank is disgusting, but if you’ve been in my shoes, you probably know the irrational feeling I am referring too}. Somehow, the fact that I was so young made it all feel worse to me.

I didn’t write about how hard it was back then, back when we were living down South in our own place, because I was afraid of the reaction. I was embarrassed that we couldn’t afford things. I was mortified that we ended up in a deep financial hole thanks to our stupidity {cell phone debt, home entertainment services debt, etc etc}. This time around, I’m even more mortified that we’re struggling, even though it’s significantly less than before, because I was convinced we took all of the right steps. We waited until we were completely out of debt {and we still are, thankfully neither of us possess credit cards so we haven’t any credit cards to pay off/worry about} and had saved up enough for first and last before we moved out. Ideally, I had wanted to have a few months of rent saved up, but due to certain circumstances we ended up moving out ahead of schedule {originally, we were going to wait until Spring}.

We will figure it out. I know that, there’s no doubt about it. The panic I felt a few days ago has lessened considerably, it’s not gone but it’s not as potent as it was. I finally reached my disability worker and was able to talk to her about this month’s disability; she hasn’t started the review so we are entitled to getting our disability at the end of this month. So, we’ll be alright for our basic necessities for October {yes, we almost weren’t…and that was beyond scary. I hope we never have to feel that way again!}. I’m still deeply nervous for the review and I’m hoping for good news, but at least I don’t have to dread October 1st. It’s going to be tighter than we were expected for the next little while until Matt’s unemployment kicks in, but after that we’ll be sailing smooth. I’m really hoping that my in-home childcare idea pans out, and even if it doesn’t we now have some time for me to search for and find a full-time job. The hypothetical looming axe is no longer over our heads {although I can still sence it somewhere close by}.

So, what exactly is it that I hope to achieve by being this honest with the [world] on my blog? I don’t really know. Understanding maybe? I always am afraid of someone finding out that we’re struggling and immediately thinking the worst; perhaps that we spend our money unwisely {which isn’t the case this time but has been true in the past}, or that we just don’t care. We do care. We do try, every day we try. And this honesty is more for myself, anyway. I’m tired of digging a hole just to bury my head in it and pretend everything’s as it should be.

We’re a young married couple, with a 17 month old son, and we’re struggling to make it to a place where we’re financially stable and secure. We have all the love in the world, we just lack the luck part. BUT, we know we’ll get there. Matt is doing amazing in school, he’s well ahead of all of his peers in shop class. We will continue to push forward, and we will be okay!

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Struggles, and dreaming of that whimsical place…

  1. Love this.
    I love the new layout, I sort of want the same one. lol. BUT I wont. haha.

    Being honest it awesome. My blog is ALL about honesty, however, I also do love that you don’t share everything. Good for you for not posting in the heat of the moment and thinking things through first. (I wish I had the smarts to do that, because your right…it can and does hurt people you write about and eventually yourself). I also agree with you that the people who write only about the good things, seem too good to be true. I love reading about people’s struggles because it makes me feel like I am not the only one struggling with relationships, parenthood, money etc. Everyone makes parenthood seem like rainbows and butterflies, but not a lot of people blog the truth as to the struggles.

    Keep being honest, yet reserved. I love reading. πŸ™‚
    (yup, I rambled again. haha, my bad).

  2. No shame at all when it comes to struggling – I know very few people who haven’t struggled or been worried – and yes – REALLY worried about money – at some point or other!
    I’m just glad you’re writing.
    You will certainly make it.

  3. Karen in Oz

    There is nothing wrong in being honest Jess. This is your blog and you can write what you want. Sometimes we can’t convey our feelings out loud and writing them seems to make it easier. I love your pure honesty and that is why I read everyday. Your blog is pure honesty and as you said “Words from the heart”. Can I put your blog into the awesome category??? Totally love it πŸ™‚
    My Hubby and I struggled immensely when we purchased our first house. It was pure hell struggling day to day. We eventually had to sell our beloved house and we have rented since. We still struggle some weeks, especially when we have to pay the rent at the end of the month. Then dreaded unexpected bills.
    There is no shame in admitting that you are struggling. True people will offer you support, lend an ear or try to convey your fears a little.
    You will make it πŸ™‚

    • Thanks Karen!!! You totally can πŸ˜‰

      I hate those dreaded unexpected bills. It’s so hard trying to get ahead when things keep popping out and sucking your funds.

      And you’re right; of course! I’m lucky in the respect that I have A LOT of supporters. I don’t know if I have anyone who doesn’t support; they [thankfully] keep their comments to themselves!

  4. I think most people have struggled financially at some point, so most people will be understanding. If not, screw them!

    When I first found your blog, three things drew me in: you were around my age, you were hot (heh), and you were honest. I could identify with you because of all that (and yes, the hotness helped). And I still can identify with you, even though things have changed in the last couple of years; we have a little less in common (I’m not married and I don’t have kids, even though I wish I did)! It’s still refreshing and familiar to come here and read your words, and it always will be.

    *gets down off soapbox*

    • I think everyone has struggled financially at some point, but most people wouldn’t be so verbal about it LMFAO! πŸ˜‰ that’s me though, verbal Mertel lol.

      I’m HOT? really? Marry me. lmfao!! xoxo.

      Hey man, we still have A LOT in common, the only things we don’t have in common {at this point} are being married and having kids. BUT, in like 6 months you and Mike will be ‘common law married’ lmfao.

  5. I’m 30 and I’m not even completely stable financially. There a billion reasons for this, but I know I should be. And I’ve been in that place where I panicked about affording the essentials. Single parent, mentally ill, stubborn, too prideful… That’s why I am not where I thought I’d be. My husband and I are working on it. Getting debt paid off (his) and trying to grow a savings account even though we’ve had to deplete it due to the Army making huge mistakes with our pay. But we’re getting through it and we’ll go back to trying again. You’ll get there. Put $5 in savings when you have it. Even starting there will get you in the habit. Do $10 if you have it. It’s not how much, it’s what you do with what you have and I think you and Matt have already figured that out. Try to get my husband to go without cable or satellite tv. Yeah right.

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