More issues…with myself.

I’ve been having issues with myself lately. I haven’t liked my attitude, so I’ve been trying to adjust it. It’s just been hard. Lately, I’ve been so sore from all the extra things I’ve been doing {extra shifts, extra jobs, extra running around and so on and so forth} that I’ve just been crabby and irritable. Pain doesn’t make me a friendly person, pain makes me short and angry and whiney and WAH. One would think that, since I’ve grown up with this disorder, with this pain, that I wouldn’t be so much of a suck dealing with it. But yeah, here we are…and I’m unhappy with myself and how I’ve been acting.

Matt and I are trying to find a new balance. The dynamics of things are constantly changing, and we’re constantly evolving to deal with that change. For example; change would be my new job, and my added shifts at the diner. That seems like a small change to most, but for us it’s a huge change because it adds to my pain and exhaustion and means that Matt has to try and pick up some slack so I don’t end up burning out. Bless him, he’s been doing amazing – despite the fact that Matt has his own issues with health at the moment — nothing serious, he’s just run out of his anti-depression pills & hasn’t been feeling the greatest. Quite the pair, aren’t we?

I’ve been pretty snappy with him, because in my mind I don’t get why he let himself run out of pills. Hells, if I could take a pill that would make it so that I never felt any of the pain I feel on the daily, I’d make sure I never ran out of that shit {there are pills that help with chronic pain; but I dislike how they make my mind feel, and my stomach!}. But Matt was busy working full-time all summer, and is hestiant to take time off school for fear of missing something important. I should really be more understanding about it, and I do understand, but I’m still pouty about it….

And then? I feel guilty. I want to be a great wife, a supportive partner who constantly brings the good to the table, not added stress. I hate feeling like I’m not doing my best as his wife, and I haven’t been lately because I’ve been lost in my own dark cloud of [physical] pain. And Matt? He’s been pretty good without being able to take his pills – I mean, he’s suffering from the withdrawals and does feel more anxious and sleeps a bit more than usual, but he says Nolan and I {when I’m not being a mega bitch, I might add} make it easier to handle. {Personally; I think he just tossed me in there so I wouldn’t feel bad 😉 I am a constant nagger. Sigh}. He’s had more on his plate because I’ve been grouchy lately.

So, I’ve been pretty irritated with myself lately. But obviously, recognizing your issues is the first step right? Calling out my own shit will help me improve my behavior.

So; I’m going to be more understanding.

I’m also not going to let one crappy thing ruin my entire day, and I’m going to find a way to not let the pain get to me.

I don’t know how I’m going to do that, just yet. I really don’t want to tell my boss at the diner that the extra shifts she’s been giving me lately are too much {even though they are}. I don’t want to be that person, that person that always gives up instead of powering through it and doing what they have to do. I need to do this, so I’m going to do it. Even if it hurts…I just have to find a way of dealing with that pain without attacking/blaming Matt for it. {As in, without being a bitch and not acknowledging his own worries and pains}.

I’m going to force myself to keep going, even when I don’t want to. On my days off, I have great plans for doing stuff and usually end up just staying at home taking it easy…which isn’t exactly fair to Nolan, or myself for that matter, because then I feel even more so like a failure.

So, I’ve got to find {and keep} that motivation.

I work all weekend, split shifts, and I’m going to get through them with a smile on my face and the knowledge that I’m stronger for getting through another weekend, and the hope that maybe one day these five shifts in a row won’t hurt me as much.

I am excited for Monday, as it will be a family day; Matt doesn’t have school, and I don’t work. I’m probably going to see if my lovely husband will let me sleep in that morning, and I’ve picked up a whole chicken and we’re going to cook that up instead of a turkey. The turkey was far too expensive {and HUGE} for my liking…but I also picked up an apple pie and a blueberry pie for dessert 🙂 we’re still going to have stuffing and yummy mashed potatoes, and some of Matt’s yummy brown sugar carrots.

Food feeds the soul, don’t cha know, not just the belly.

Now, it’s super late {for my tired self} and I’m going to get ready for bed now 🙂 maybe read a few more chapters of my book!

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4 Comments

Filed under #FAIL, annoyances, bitchin' and moanin', challenges, changes, crazy mama, family, fears, figuring it out, I don't know, insecurties, issues, just thoughts, me me ME, MHE, pain, reflecting, self image, self improvement, the difficult, the random, uncensored, what I'm feeling

4 responses to “More issues…with myself.

  1. But you have a great ability to look inward and acknowledge things you can change about yourself to change a situation. I love that quality!
    The food sounds so good. 🙂

  2. Blaine

    Have a great Thanksgiving!

  3. *hugs* I’ve been super sore lately, too. I spent THE WHOLE DAY walking around New York City yesterday, and even though I wore comfortable sneakers, I was in horrible pain by about 5:00 and limped my way through the rest of the day. Today is just as bad, because my muscles overcompensated for my joints yesterday, so EVERYTHING hurts today. Just call me limpy. D:

    It’s really hard to NOT be irritable when you’re in pain. Most people who know what’s going on will be understanding, so that helps. I hope you and Matt both feel better. I know how it feels both to have chronic pain and depression, and neither are fun, nor do they make it easy to get through the day. But you guys have each other, so lean on each other and you’ll make it through. After all, that’s how Mike and I made it home last night. (We both have chronic pain.)

  4. I hope everyone feels better! Pain of any kind is awful! I cannot even imagine living with chronic pain like you do! And I hope Matt gets more meds. 😉

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