Watched her words go up in smoke…

My fingers itch to spill the truths in my heart & mind right now, pour them all out on this blog to hopefully find some kind of release…but I stop myself, I stop the words from flowing what could be so easily from my finger tips. I know it would come so easily, to say I’m hurting and to explain why I’m hurting. I can say that I’m hurting but still, I can’t explain why. I can say that I’m feeling abandoned and trying so desperately not to feel abandoned. I can say that my heart aches, and it feels constantly like something is missing, like something’s been missing all this time. I still wonder why it all happened, why it wasn’t enough. What broke in her to choose this path.

Maybe we could chalk it all up to mental illness, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t stop the feelings of abandonment from occurring. It doesn’t ease the painful words, the silence, the lies. It doesn’t explain anything really. Hell, maybe it’s not even mental illness, but I can’t believe that someone would do those things and not have a mental illness of some sorts. Depression even.

So many things have happened in the last year, and while sometimes I think it’s made me stronger…sometimes I wonder if it’s made me weaker. More susceptible to all the negative feelings and thoughts. More negative. More bitter.

I’m bitter for things I never got in the reactions to some of my life’s most important milestones. I feel robbed of that great relationship with her, because there has always been a wedge between us and over the past few years, it’s grown bigger. And now all this…how can this be rerepaired? I know, I’m not giving much away…but I can’t. I can’t so easily spill about ALL that’s happened in the past three months, worse than what happened earlier this year. At least I didn’t “lose” anybody earlier this year. He didn’t really go anywhere, he just moved on with his life but still included us in it. {And it’s hard to talk about even that because I didn’t back then, so I can’t explain that either}. My blog is beginning to feel like my life, so many secrets. So many “don’t tell so & so”.

I feel trapt. I promised I wouldn’t say anything, because who knows what the outcome of my words will be? Sometimes, words can implicate you. But I’m being careful. I’m just admitting; this is hurting me, a lot. I haven’t even really allowed myself to cry about it. The stress and anxiety has tormented my body, yes, but I haven’t allowed myself to cry. I can’t. I don’t know if I’ll stop. Why do I feel so robbed? Why can’t I just move on?

I guess it’s hard when the person I’m trying to move on from is someone that I should never, ever have to move on from. But right now, I’ve been hurt too badly and the worst part is she probably doesn’t even give a shit. It’s all about her happiness right now, she’s entitled to it you see.

I just don’t get how a mother could do that to her own kids. I can honestly say that no matter what the circumstances were, I would never ‘abandon’ my child. I would never walk away from him for anything, I don’t care if he’s wrong and being stupid or needs help. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure HIS happiness and HIS success comes first. There are still ways for me to be happy and successful without leaving him out in the cold.

This whole thing breaks my heart, it does. I hurt for him; because this has hit him like a ton of breaks. I hurt for all of us involved; because we shouldn’t have to protect our children from this kind of behavior coming from her. We shouldn’t have to.

And part of me wonders if it was all a show.

 

*Note; this is not about Matt & I. I can tell you that much; our little family of three is doing fine. & I will be okay, this is just me trying to deal with it all. xoxo