I am so angry right now, I am shaking. White hot anger is flaring up within my chest and heart and it isn’t pretty at all. I am seeing red. Angry red. I want to embrace it, to face the emotions that I have been struggling to escape from. It’s better than burying it, right? It’s better than not facing it, pretending like I’m fine with all that’s gone on in the past few months.
But…I’m not fine. And I have every right not to be. I have been dealing with so many life altering blows over the past year – yes, nothing like what some people deal with (and please note: I am so thankful for the health of my family and loved ones), but these blows have knocked me off my feet and redefined everything that I know and everything I am. The most recent blow has rocked my world far worse than the last blow did or ever could. I can’t really get into detail with it here, because the things that lead up to this recent blow are really insignificant. That “first blow” isn’t really so bad now. This one though? This is the one that has really redefined my entire being.
I am a firm believer that we are responsible for our own destiny. This means that we’re responsible for our own happiness, our own actions, our own lives. I believe that who we are is defined by the roads we take. It is our job to own our mistakes, to admit when we’re wrong so that we can truly learn and grow from the experience.
But she? She hasn’t done that. At all. She has blamed her every unsavory action on someone else. She has turned into a vengeful, ugly person and I blocked her from contacting me on Facebook because I do not want to associate with that kind of person. I was tired of hearing her speak so badly of everyone else, tired of seeing her allow herself to fall deeper and deeper into this big dark hole, finally drawing in the same kind of people she is becoming: dark and full of negativity. People that fuel her lucid perception of what happened and encourage her to abandon her children in order to “be herself”. I am a mother, I cannot “be myself” without loving my child. My child will always come first, no matter what age he is because that’s what mother’s do. We love our children and help them and are mother’s forever. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m not saying you have to lose yourself completely to your children and their achievements or your husband and his achievements, I’m not saying you need to live your life through other people’s eyes but how can I be held responsibility for her choosing to do just that? Nobody told her that she couldn’t develop a personality outside of being a mom and wife. I’m sorry that’s what happened to her, but I don’t think we’re responsible and I certainly don’t think any of this matters in the grand scheme of things. Fact of the matter is; she is wrong, she is hurting those whom she is supposed to love most, and she doesn’t see it that way at all. And that? Makes me really angry.
Something happened tonight on stupid Facebook that shook and stirred up this great big old pot of anger and resentment I’ve been harboring, and I’m shaking with fury over it. I ended up emailing her, saying what I needed to say, and I hit send. I don’t regret it. Not right now. I needed to say those things, I needed her to understand why I’m not talking to her. Her display on Facebook was exactly the reason why I’m not talking to her, why I can’t forgive her – at least not now. Not until she gets the help she desperately needs.
P.S. I’m sorry this is all very hard to follow and understand…it would take me years to write about ALL that has happened and the “reasons” behind it. It could make a really super awesome best-selling biography one day….or not).