Heart Hurt

Note: please read these two posts before continuing with this one. It might make more sense…or perhaps not, because this post is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotional barf.

What hurts the most is the fact that she should know that the pain she’s inflicting by her careless actions is damaging her relationship with us all beyond repair, but it still doesn’t stop her…she still don’t seem to care at all. It’s like she has thrown us all aside for something “new and better”. I feel like she is blaming us for everything that happened in the past year, and even before that, and that’s not fair. And I know, I shouldn’t let it get to me, I should just stick by my words that I said to her: I’m done. But I can’t push her entirely from my mind. A little tidbit of information about what she’s saying now or doing next will get back to me, and it will be just like that day when all these truths came to the surface: when I saw her for who she really is.

She is someone who cannot and will not own her own mistakes. She is someone who puts the blame on anyone else’s shoulders. She victimizes herself, and surrounds herself with people who fuel her ill mind. She justifies her every action with the most ridiculous explanation. It’s because he left. It’s because an 18 year old called her some names on Facebook. It’s because we don’t care about her suffering. It’s because we told her to just get over it. She is someone who has lied, repeatedly, so much so over the past year that she can’t even tell the difference between the truth of what happened and her truth of what happened.

Worst of all? She is someone who lets a horrible, horrible person speak with such disrespect and malice towards her own children. She has let this horrible person come between her and her children, and who does that?

She can’t see the lies she’s painting. She can’t see the hurt she’s inflicting. Or maybe she does, and maybe she doesn’t care.

I have a sick, horrible feeling that when she leaves this province, I will never see her – or hear from her – again. I mean, I don’t hear from her now…she hasn’t responded to texts or emails, and I’ve stopped trying since I sent that last email calling her on all her shit. But, I literally feel as though she’ll fall off the face of the earth and that none of us will hear from her again.

And a part of me wonders if that’s for the best.

The amount of pain and turmoil she’s caused in the past months is ridiculous, and I’m having such a hard time dealing with it…accepting it, coming to terms with it. I always thought she suffered from depression, but never in a million years did I see her doing this to us.

Or did I? Perhaps that is the hardest tidbit for me to digest. After the way she acted all year-long, I wasn’t entirely shocked when the depths of her selfishness came to light. It was maddening to see the truth, right there in front of me, but I wasn’t completely shocked. I sensed it coming. I want to believe that I never saw it coming but that would be a half truth. I was blinded to it. Nobody wants to see the people they care about in that light.

It seems so unfair to me that she is taking everything she can from us. Our right to a mother who cares, the possessions we hold dear in our hearts – like the oak table the entire family sat around for holidays and get togethers and every other night of the week, the deacons benches that Papa made with the wood from the old Farmhouse – and just selling them or giving them away to other people because she can. The things he nearly broke his back working hard to buy for us, will probably all be posted on the Internet for sale by the end of the week and all of the profit will go into her pocket. Of course, we’re going to try and get some of it back, but I can’t see her giving us a thing. She’ll probably say something like “we abandoned her”, or “we chose him over her”.***

I am disgusted in her every action right now. Months ago, I remember confiding into my husband and telling him I know she’s my mother, but I am disgusted by her right now. And that was before any of the major shit happened, before she kicked my baby sister out on the street for “not following the rules”, before she said hurtful things to us all and let that monster she calls a friend insult us and make fun of us. Back when she was just “on vacation” for a month, “finding herself”. I was disgusted because my little sister was left at home in her time of need to take care of the house and the other two people living in it. Too much responsibility, if you ask me – although my little sister handled it gracefully and kept that house spotless.

And I know, I’m “airing my dirty laundry” on the Internet, but since everybody can’t see it, I guess it’s okay, right? I need to write more about it, because it’s eating me up. Day in and day out, I over analyze the situation. I wonder why I can’t reach out to her and make her see how wrong she is, how wrong she’s been and make her realize that we are important. But why should I have to do that? Those are things she should know, the mother instinct bond that should be there even if we have all grown up.

It’s hard feeling like I don’t have a mother, that figure I can call up when my days are hard and I just need some advice. I know I haven’t had the best relationship with her in recent times, but I always figured we’d improve it as I got older. I figured we’d learn how to talk to each other, but nobody can talk to her.

I feel like I’ve lost so much over the past month. I feel like every childhood memory is tainted. Was it all a show? Did we mean anything to her? If we did, how can she turn her back on us now?

***I never wanted to choose. When my dad left my mom, I was angry and hurt, but I never wanted to choose. He was still my dad, the same man who loved me and continues to love me no matter what mistakes I’ve made or will make, and she’s mom, she’s supposed to do the same thing. So no, I didn’t choose. But she thinks I did because I said “his leaving and what he did are NOT good excuses for how YOUR acting right now. Only you are responsible for your actions, this is on you”. She only sees things the way she wants to see them though, and she sees this as me siding with him and “forgiving” him for putting her through hell (and again; I don’t think it’s my spot to forgive him, it’s hers.) Just to be clear…

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12 Comments

Filed under challenges, changes, drama drama drama, dumbass people, family, figuring it out, I don't know, issues, just thoughts, life lessons, pain, stuff that bites, stupid mistakes, stupid shit, the bad, the difficult, the random, the ugly, this crazy train, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

12 responses to “Heart Hurt

  1. Pingback: The Mood « The Bottle Chronicles

  2. Ugh. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s not right. At. All. that she is treating you kids like this.

    I’d leave you a huge comment but um, we do talk on BBM 😉 (especially now that my phone has stopped sucking…for the moment).

    So I’m just going to say: as much as this is horrible at least you still have family. Matt, Nolan, your sisters. You still have people you can count on, it’s not the same but it’s something.

    And I totally ❤ you.

    • It isn’t right 😦 it’s stupid and it makes me angry that I let it affect me that way. And you’re correct: I do have Nolan, Matt, my sisters and my dad. And my grandparents. I still have TONS of family that is here for me and supports me, but we’re all feeling the hurt of this situation…and it is our mother who is doing it. 😦

      I totally ❤ you too!! xoxo

  3. Blaine

    Oh hon. 😦 Big huge hugs. Will be sending you an email instead of posting here. ❤

  4. Cri

    Love to you ❤ I am very sorry. This isn't airing your dirty laundry, and no one should think so.

    • Thanks Cristy, ❤ love you too! And I sorta don't care if someone thinks I'm "airing dirty laundry". It's just the truth, right? I know it's not the HARMLESS truth but still. I've kept A LOT to myself, this is just the biggest most painful stuff without going into complete detail.

  5. I love you and you have every reason to feel the way you do. xoxoxo

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