I was thinking about my to-do list this morning, and thinking about one item in particular that I’m eager to cross off: stocking stuffers. Then I started to think of all the Christmas’s in my past, all the ones from my childhood. I had to blink back tears, as I was driving, and crying while driving isn’t exactly safe.
She was always so good at Christmas, maybe too good. Every Christmas I have ever had was special and amazing and beautiful because of the work she put into it. She was the best at stockings, they were always stuffed so full it was hard to get the first few items out of them! They were stuffed full of such goodies: our favourite chocolates/candies, toys, DVDs, CDs and other little kid goodies, and later she added makeup and girly things like compact mirrors and nail kits. She spoiled us, she always knew what to buy and how to set it up so that everything looked great under that tree.
And I know, Christmas isn’t about the gifts; I agree completely. But we were lucky, we were spoiled at Christmas, and she was awesome at it. Half the time, presents took up most of the space in the livingroom. Even the stockings overflowed onto the floor with “bigger” gifts that she couldn’t fit in them, despite her expert skills at stocking stuffing. And the meals she cooked, with the help from my granny. I’ll miss those too.
I knew that Christmas was never going to be the same after my parents split, but I never thought we’d lose so much in the process. I thought we’d all get together still, I thought we’d all still be civil and have amazing Christmas’s together. I guess I was hoping for too much, and now that she has basically written us off….well, Christmas won’t be the same in an even more apparent, harsh way.
It will still be special, seeing my grandparents, my dad, my sisters, my nephew, my cousins…but it will be bittersweet. Because I will remember the Christmases before. I will remember the look on her face when she watched us dive into our stockings on Christmas morning.
I’ll miss the woman that she was, and every day I wish that woman would come back…that mother. I don’t need the drama and darkness she lives in now, I just miss the mama I used to have. The mama that isn’t there anymore, at least not right now.
I hope, for her sake as well as ours, that she gets the help she needs. I hope she doesn’t end up more hurt and lost and confused. I have no idea how to help her, I have no idea how to make her see what she’s doing. And….I don’t think she cares one way or the other. My efforts in the past have been ignored, or met with hostility, and I just cannot involve myself anymore. My heart is too battered and bruised. I don’t need the after effects of dealing with her, not getting the response I want and need, to send me into another pit of depression. It’s not fair for me, or my little family. I know this, so that’s why I’ve backed away and that’s why I just can’t.
But, I’m still going to miss that woman she was. All the time. It stings so much knowing that she won’t be there for me in my future milestones. More grandbabies, when I go to and graduate from college, when we buy our first house. She won’t be there.
I am thankful that I still have my dad and sister’s support. Sometimes, this is easy because I know that I still have family – even if she doesn’t want to be a part of it. But there are other times when the weight of all I’ve lost hits me like a ton of bricks.
It’s hard enough when someone dies, but when someone chooses to leave and is still alive but just doesn’t want the “burden” of their children…well, that really hurts. And when that someone is your parent, that hurts worse. Sure, having a partner leave you is devastating and I’m not disputing that…but mothers’ are the ones that we never in a million years expect to leave us or hurt us.
I’ve learned a lot from this horrible experience though. I’ve learned what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this, and I’ve learned how important it is to ensure that Nolan never doubts my love or my commitment to him…no matter how old he is.
But sometimes, this mama wishes she had a mama like that.