Blogging my way back to sanity

Alternatively titled: Tantrums; they aren’t just for toddlers.

Today has just been one of those days, destined to be a disaster. Having forgot about the dinner dishes, I woke up to a really messy kitchen. I can’t function in a messy kitchen, but I didn’t have time to clean it before making Nolan’s breakfast (he was hungry, and didn’t want to wait – understandable). So I’m grumbled and bitched and moaned while Matt looked on completely irritated. He was all “well Jessica, I cooked dinner last night, so by default you should have cleaned the kitchen.”

I may have or may not have castrated him for that one.

I clean the kitchen at least three times a day – after every single meal. But every once in a while, I’d like to just kick back and have someone else *AHEM; MATT* take care of the after dinner dishes, even if he cooked dinner. There have been plenty of nights where I’ve cleaned the kitchen despite cooking dinner.

So, anyways. This morning didn’t start out so grand. Nolan was a peach, as always. He’s always smiling, all the time. He ate almost all of his eggs except for one bite, then had a handful of fruit loops. But I just couldn’t get myself motivated to do anything.

I had a shit ton of errands to run today. I needed to go to the post office and finally mail our Christmas cards, and I wanted to get my last name changed on my driver’s license. I also wanted to go to Walmart and get a couple of things, as well as the grocery store. Around 10:30am, I was finally dressed and ready to go out. I set Nolan down in the living room and rushed outside to start the car. On my way in, my phone started ringing; it was Matt, calling to find out more information about a question I had asked him (if a friend of mine could crash on our couch one night while he makes his journey back home, it’s an 8 hour drive and we’re at the halfway point of his trip).

That’s when I realized that Nolan was not in the livingroom, where I had left him. I figured he would be attacking the tree or something. I looked over to the bathroom, where I was hearing noises. Ok, so he’s in the bathroom, was my thought. There’s nothing “harmful” in there (besides for the toilet, but the lid is ALWAYS down to keep the cat from drinking toilet water and he can’t lift it. Yet, anyway). As I was talking to Matt, I made my way over to the bathroom and went to open it – and then realized that the door was locked. From the inside. By my toddler who wouldn’t know how to follow the direction of “unlock the door for Mommy”.

I started to panic, because I have tried in the past to unlock the bathroom door (on Matt, when he was showering, as a joke) and never could. Matt tried to talk me out of it, and told me to grab the long skinny screw driver from his tool box. Don’t forget, I’m the girl that doesn’t know the difference from a Robertson and a screwdriver. But thankfully I was able to find the “long skinny yellow” screw driver, and with shaky hands I tried to unlock it but couldn’t get it because I was panicking so much. So, I did what any not-so-sane wife would do and started yelling at Matt like it was his fault (because, ya know, if he hadn’t have called me I would have noticed Nolan was in the bathroom sooner and got him out before he locked the door, or something).

Finally, I got the door unlocked and quickly tried to usher Nolan out of the bathroom. But he tripped over my own stupid foot and fell, and started to cry. So I may have or may not have yelled “FML” and hung up on Matt to pick up Nolan and cuddle him. Then I left him in the livingroom (after closing the bathroom door) so I could turn off the car because I was definitely not feeling an outing of any sorts, on account of I was still reeling from the panic attack and apparently I don’t learn lessons the first time around. When I came back inside, Nolan was missing again. This time he was in our bedroom, playing with Matt’s tools.

Fml.

So, go me, mother of the year award for me.

Luckily, Nolan didn’t get hurt during my stupid brain melt moments. But I’m honestly feeling like a big fat failure today. I realized that most of my issue was simply that I had skipped out on eating (or sorta, anyway, since a bowl of fruit loops is apparently not filling in any way, shape or form). So I made some toast, a tea, and sat at the table holding Nolan in my arms. He ate half my toast, and then took off. He managed to cheer me back up with his constant grin and the loud yelling of “toast!” over and over again. I just love when he learns a new word, and he learned “toast” today despite the trauma of being locked in a bathroom and having me freak out and panic. So, that counts for something, right?

I remember I was locked in a bathroom when I was a toddler. It was very traumatic for me, and even though I was really little I remember because my dad climbed the roof to get into the bathroom (the door had those old locks that couldn’t be opened from the outside). I turned out okay…at least I know my dad will always come to my rescue, if ever I get locked in a bathroom again.

But really; today has gone to shit and I’ve only got myself to blame. I simply just don’t have the patience for it anymore. Is that normal? It’s not that I don’t have the patience for Nolan but for myself and the stupid little mistakes I’m making today.

I feel like I’m failing today, majorly. We still haven’t gotten out of the house, I still haven’t mailed those Christmas cards or changed my name. And do you know what? I don’t think I’m gonna. It’s just one of those days where I’m literally afraid to go outside because if it sucks this much inside, what will it be like out there?

Ugh.

Nolan really is a champ, though. I give the kid high props and am so thankful he’s my firstborn. No matter how many mistakes (I feel like) I’m making, he always gives me the same warm sweet smile and is always completely happy to be around me. Which does a lot for my confidence when I’m down in the dumps and feeling like a total failure/loser. He always knows how to bring me away from my pity party.

In any case, I’ve learned a few valuable lessons from this whole day:

  1. No matter how much I feel I screw up, in Nolan’s eyes, I am “perfect”. (and also; his cuddles make a world of difference).
  2. We need to invest in Auto-Start. Immediately.
  3. I now know how to bust into the bathroom when Matt’s in the shower. Insert evil laughter here.

P.S. It would make me feel incredibly better about myself if y’all just posted some bad brain melt down moments of your own – it can be related to anything, not just kid stuff.

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “Blogging my way back to sanity

  1. Pingback: My Champion | The Bottle Chronicles

  2. oh, baby!

    first off- EVERYONE has bad days. and when one thing goes wrong in the slightest, you just know it’s going to be one of those days. the best thing to do is take some time to calm down (or as dan always tells me, CLAM DOWN!) and pull yourself back together. if the cards don’t get mailed today, or you don’t get around to all the cleaning you originally wanted done, don’t beat yourself up. there’s ALWAYS tomorrow.

    and i’m sure matt understands about the mild meltdown over the phone. we may give your men shit for being dillholes, but when it comes down to it, they’re definitely awesome when we need them to be (… in reference to last night, dan just texted me saying “don’t ever be sorry, i love you”… sigh)

    also, LAWLZ… MATT’S FUCKED NOW!

    love you, girlie. and even if i’m at work (or blogging, apparently), you can always message me for a shoulder to lean on or to talk out a panic attack.

    xx

    – e

  3. I hate those kinds of days too! I started to think about one of my *many* meltdowns but I can’t think of any right one, which is weird, because my college friends know me for being “forgetful” (that’s a nice way to put it…)

    Okay now I can think of one! One day I was doing some dishes and washed a chopping board that we have. I should probably mention that the chopping board is glass. You probably see where I am headed with this… anyway, I normally wash this board and let it dry on the counter, never on the upper cabinet that we have. But that day (I was alone at home, by the way…) I decided to place it on the drying cabinet, and continued doing the dishes. Until the glass chopping board fell. And it hit me on the head. The nose, actually. So I got pretty scared because it hurt, and it was glass, and it could’ve been a lot worse. That’s when I called my boyfriend, who has working, and told him “the glass chopping board just fell on my head and I’m bleeding!!! waaaa!!!!” (picture me screaming and crying at the phone). Needless to say he was pretty scared and came home right away. It didn’t occur to me that I should have probably mentioned to him that I was okay…
    So the moral of the story is:
    1. DO NOT buy a cutting board that is glass. Even if it’s on sale for super cheap and looks really cool and cleans off really easily.
    2. If you do, don’t let it dry above your head.
    3. If you do and falls on top of you, don’t call you boyfriend crying and forget to mention that it didn’t break or anything…
    I still have a scar between my eyes though… and sadly, I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

  4. I’ve done so many stupid things I could write a book. Just know that you’re a great mom, and actually – you’re entitled to bad days now and then!

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  7. Brittany

    Your day is the story of my life, LOL! Can’t write a long response right now, but I feel you 100%. *HUGS*

  8. ignotus mulier

    i have days where i freak out and everything seems to go wrong all the time. strangely tho i can’t think of any specific instances. everything just seems to go wrong and then because things have gone wrong i’m more sensitive and short tempered and more things go wrong and i end up a screaming or bawling mess often directing my anger at my mister even tho he only deserves it about half of the time. and half the time he actually does do something helpful to make me calm down and feel better. the other half of the time whatever he does just ends up being another thing to add to the list of crummy things. basically i’m a big baby but it’s worse when i’m stressed out. like now. with exams. he’s being on his best behaviour to try to make things easier for me. thank heavens for him.

  9. You are NOT a bad mom. Toddlers are notorious for slipping away and getting into trouble when you turn your back for two seconds. That does NOT make you a bad mom. Maybe you could get a couple of baby gates.

    My brain always melts when I haven’t eaten. Being hypoglycemic is not fun. I can’t think of any specific stories, but trust me, I always have those moments. It’s a miracle I can remember to feed myself.

  10. Blaine

    Love this line: “I now know how to bust into the bathroom when Matt’s in the shower. Insert evil laughter here.”

    Nolan can *reach* and *open* doorknobs???

    We have some of those door knob things. Chris hates them because it’s a pain to open the door. (If you are him, anyway. I have no issues. lol)

    As for my bad mommy moment, it happened about a month ago. I was exhausted all morning, so I laid down on the couch while Eric played. Didn’t think I’d fall asleep, but I did. Was only asleep for 5-10 minutes, but in that time, Eric wandered down the hallway that I forgot to re-gate, and closed the door to the bathroom. When I woke and realized he was in the bathroom (not locked, but ours are super easy to open if locked anyway, thankfully) I panicked, as it was quite quiet. When I opened the door, he was standing amongst a full roll of toilet paper, spread across the floor, and tissue (and ‘other stuff’ – gross…) from the garbage can. He hadn’t turned on the bathtub taps (of course the hot water is the one closest to the edge) or lifted the toilet seat, but the last part is the worst possible scenario in my opinion.

    I don’t have any baby locks on the bathroom cupboards under the sink, and we keep most of our bathroom cleaning stuff under there. He hadn’t opened the doors, and I can only imagine if he had… 😦

    Felt horribly guilty about it the first few days afterward, but now I make sure that gate is UP, and I never lay down unless he’s sleeping. Tempted to move our cleaning stuff, but I don’t know where to put it. (Lacking in closet/cupboard space.)

    Since the plumbers that were here a few weeks ago broke that cupboard, I can’t even put a babyproofing thing on one of the doors, too. 😦

    Going to have to get that fixed soon so I can make it safer. πŸ˜€

  11. Pingback: A Letter to my Cat | The Bottle Chronicles

  12. Kelly

    Late comment, I know… Oh well :-). If highlighting my own parenting failures makes you feel a teeny bit better, then it’s totally worth it, right? David was just under 2 years old, I put him in the bedroom for a nap and went downstairs to watch a movie. He screamed, but that was normal this month so I ignored it – for about 20 minutes. Finally I couldn’t believe he was STILL screaming, so I went up to check. Darling child was pinned to the bed by the oak dresser, which he had tried to climb (to turn on the TV) and pulled over on himself. OMFG TOTAL MOMMY FAIL. Explaining the embedded flower pattern in his leg from the drawer handle to the ER doctor made me feel like total shit. How did I not recognize the difference in his screams? Or hear the thud of the dresser? Other than bruised thighs? He was fine. And I laid down WITH him for naps from then on.
    Ahhh… First comment in a long time, almost since I shut down chainsofyesterday!!! I’ve been silent but keeping up with a few faves (like you, hon!!!) while plotting a return to blogging real soon – missed you, Jess!!!

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