I had the worst nightmare the other night, and I’m pretty sure that was the reason why I had such a hard time falling into a deep, untroubled sleep. In my nightmare, it was 5 or 10 years from now – Nolan was in school and Matt was working full-time. I was at still a stay at home mom, literally just sitting around doing nothing.
I have no idea where to begin explaining why this dream actually terrified me so much. When I was in my late teens, my one desire was that I would have a career and a great paying job doing something I loved. I always dreamed that I would be successful and that my children would have everything they wanted with two working parents. I always thought I would go to college, get my education, land the perfect job and then find the perfect man, get married, buy a house and then have kids.
I did it ass backwards.
I met the perfect man, fell in love, started college, found out I was pregnant and, overwhelmed, dropped out of college. Then I got engaged, got an apartment with my then fiance, gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, and after 7 months of struggling, we moved back in with Matt’s dad to get out of debt and get ahead in life. We got out of debt, then got married (without managing to go back into debt – SCORE), moved back out on our own, and my husband started college. He’s doing amazing thus far, and I’m not ashamed of our path that we’ve taken. I’m so proud of it, of us. We’ve come a long way from that day we found out we were pregnant.
But this isn’t what I envisioned. I thought I would be done school by now and working a job I loved, proud of making money and being independent.
Don’t get me wrong: I am loving being a stay at home mama right now. I’m blessed that our situation allows for this opportunity; I’m blessed that I am the one who gets to be here for every first, for every milestone.
But when Nolan is in school full-time, I won’t be needed here 24/7. I will have a huge time-block during the day that I’ll need to fill up. I guess part of my subconscious is just afraid I’ll end up like her. Wanting to keep “being around” in case the opportunity pops up for a vacation of some sorts. Fearful of going back to school with all the “younger kids” and being the “oldest one there”
But I know this won’t be the case, I know I am different. I know I won’t settle for anything less than a career in a field doing something I love.
I don’t know when I’m going back to school: that’s still up in the air. Our focus right now is getting my husband through school. It’s his turn to shine, and I don’t mind stepping back and helping him reach for his dreams. Matt’s confidence has just exploded over the last little while, especially since we moved up North. From early spring on, he was working at a job that he loved – it was physically demanding, challenging and it paid the bills and then some. It was the first time we, as a couple, ever had money left over after paying for life’s essentials (rent, groceries, bills, etc). We were able to get out of debt AND get married, and that’s pretty damn amazing.
Then when he went back to school, his confidence further grew to epic proportions. I love listening to him talk about welding stuff, even if I have literally no idea what any of the jargon means. I am so proud of his marks, he’s doing amazingly well and even if he is struggling a bit in some classes (like Communications), he’s working so hard to pull up his marks and it shows. On his last several assignments, he landed a mark in the 76% zone. My heart shines with pride when I watch him working so hard and doing so good!
I was supposed to go to school this year too, and while I do sometimes feel sad that I didn’t get to go, I know the timing wasn’t right. Matt will graduate in August 2011, and then we can start saving for me to go to school. I want to have my tuition, books, other school expenses, and day care while I’m in school covered before I apply again. When Matt graduates this program and finds a job in his field (which he will, the Welder/Pipe Fitter industry is booming right now, at least where we are!), this will be easy enough to do. We plan on renting until I finish college too, that way we don’t have to worry about household expenses. We want to have money to invest into our home, and we’re happy renting until we feel we can take that plunge (but I still day dream of the day we can!).
So, with our lives basically mapped out over the next 5 or 10 years, I can’t understand why I kept having that dream and panicking. I know that I’m going back to school to get an education and a high paying job. I know that I’ll succeed and make my son proud of me. I know that he will be able to see his parents’ work ethic and his will be strong too. And I know that even if we aren’t a “success story” yet, we will get there. We are driven to succeed, and determination is the main ingredient in success.
So kindly screw off panicked nightmares about never returning to college. They are nightmares for a reason!