Poison

I wish she understood. I wish I could make her see this poison that is leaking from her every pore. I wish she could see that it’s been leaking from her every pore for quite some time. I wish I could allow her to see herself through my eyes. I wish she could see the aftermath, the resulting feelings and emotions that I have now. Maybe then, she would finally understand. I wish she could see that the people she is choosing to associate with are not good at all, they are evil and poison and they aren’t helping her get ahead. What sort of “friend” tells a woman her own family doesn’t love her, when he doesn’t know her family or what we feel/think? What kind of “friend” allows a woman to bask in such hatred and resentment, all the time? That’s not a friend, that’s a person (if we can even call him that) who has targeted her to gain something from her and destroy what’s left of her.

She is an easy target, she unfortunately always has been. She is weak and prone to attracting negative people because she is a negative person. She doesn’t learn from the past, and she don’t grow from experience. I’ve watched her over the past year, and instead of picking herself up off the floor and at least trying to move forward with her life, she chose to remain in such a dark place of resentment and blame and hatred that it ended up pushing us away. It’s not healthy, and it wasn’t healthy for us to hear her speak the way she spoke and watch her carry on the way she carried on.

I’m not saying that what she went through wasn’t difficult, but really…she never rose to the challenge of starting anew. She never picked up the pieces and tried to move on. She were given so many opportunities to shine, and she chose not to.

How is this any of our fault? Did we tell her to stay beaten down? Did we tell her to play the victim card? No. We did the opposite. We tried to get her to flourish, find a job and make something of herself for herself. But she wouldn’t. She had excuse after excuse on why she couldn’t. She just never tried.

And then she started associating with these “friends” of hers that are not really friends at all. Friends don’t keep you down, they don’t tell you to abandon your children or lash out at their father. They talked her into pushing her kids away so she could “do for her” for the first time ever. Doing for yourself doesn’t mean ditching motherhood altogether. Generally, doing for you means getting a job, saving money, and working hard to improve your life in a positive way. She didn’t, and isn’t, doing that.

I don’t see how telling her family to piss off is going to help with any of this “personal growth” stuff.

She is the reason I am so determined to succeed: because I don’t want to end up the way she did, in the mind frame she did. She lost her desire to succeed and thrive. She felt that her only success was through the triumphs of her kids and husband, and she felt this way on her own accord. No one told her to stop thinking about herself and dedicate every waking minute to everybody else (like she says she did). She stopped trying to reach her own goals, in fact I’m pretty sure she stopped making goals all together. Mark my words, I won’t ever stop making goals. I won’t ever stop reaching for them and succeeding and thriving.

I want all these things for my son, so how could I not set that example for him? He will see me struggle my way to the top – with my husband at my side to support me, as I am supporting him now – and he will be proud.

I feel ashamed to admit I wasn’t proud of her, not recently anyway. She wasted golden opportunities to make something of herself. She didn’t set good examples for her daughters. It’s a good thing I’ve learned how to evaluate a situation and determine right from wrong on my own. It’s a good thing I have the motherly instinct to keep such negativity far away from my doorstep.

But, I’m still deeply wounded by this. And I probably will be for a very long time.

Maybe one day she’ll realize how wrong she is, how wrong she’s been. Maybe one day I’ll get that apology. But I can’t help but feel that those things aren’t going to happen, I have a feeling that I have lost her in this poison forever.

I debated on making this post private, but I’m tired of hiding my words, of silencing my voice. My voice may be cracked with pain and hurting now, but I’ve yet to regret a single thing I’ve written. This is all part of the healing process. I just can’t wait to be healed.

At least I can ensure that my own child never feels the hurt I feel.

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15 Comments

Filed under challenges, drama drama drama, figuring it out, growing up, I don't know, insecurties, issues, just thoughts, life lessons, linkage, pain, past regrets, ranting, scars, so stoopid, stuff that bites, stupid shit, the bad, the difficult, the ugly, tough stuff, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

15 responses to “Poison

  1. Some people are best as examples of what not to do, what not to be.
    xoxo

  2. ignotus mulier

    i’ve thought for a while that i knew who you were talking about in your other posts about this and now i’m sure. my family went through a similar and yet obviously different situation a few years ago (especially since the details on your blog are scarce) but it had some of the same flavour. however in my family’s case it was caused (or made worse) by a mental injury on her part and eventually she sort of woke up and realized that she was effing up her and everybody else’s life. i hope that things for you get less difficult and maybe one day she can “wake up” too. if nothing else it’s showed me how i never ever want to be. so at least i’m grateful for that.

  3. Blaine

    ****Hugs****

    Sending you positive energy and love and stuff. Hope you can heal soon, too.

    Going to send some to her, too, hope she realizes what she’s doing and can try to change, try to work on fixing things.

    xoxo

  4. Sybil pretty much took the quote out of my mouth. And unfortunately it’s 4am so I’m too tired to offer my own clever quote, and I can’t think of another. Wait— there’s one. Oh yeah. People suck. 😦

    But you? You don’t.
    Feel better love.

    PS: You can totally switch out my wifey-blog button over there for the new location! 😛

    • What in God’s name are you doing up at 4am??! lol! And people do suck 😦

      Thank you ❤ I will, I just get hit with the weight of it all at times. It's blog about it, or get lost in the pain. I choose blog about it and move on…even if it's just for a few days. I can revisit the pain later, and try to over-analyze it until I'm blue in the face.

      I've been meaning to do that!! I keep forgetting. I'll do it right now!

  5. Once again, I hope she will come back, better; for herself and for her family. xoxo

  6. *hugs*

    Glad you’ve decided to unsilence yourself. Sometimes, being heard is the best way to start healing.

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