Thinking and Stuffs.

I don’t think I’m going to watch the girls anymore. I took on the sitting job with the agreement that it would be under the table, only now she wants me to give her receipts. Which means I’d have to claim the measly amount of money I’m making doing this very part-time. Which means I’d lose money instead of making a little extra.

So, no thanks.

I’m sad about it, because I loved watching the girls. It was great for both Nolan and I. But the agreement was under the table for a reason. I don’t want to pay to work. I can’t afford to pay to work, I really can’t, or else I’d still have that diner job.

So, that sucks.

I’m having more issues with her again, so that also sucks. She’s missing the entire point. She thinks we’re mad at her for selling the house and moving. We’re not. We’re mad at her for so much more than that. But, from the sound of it, that’s why she thinks we’re mad, despite us telling her otherwise so many times. She’s still not taking ownership, or hells…even apologizing for everything she’s put us through.

Also; Nolan is having a “I will not listen to Mommy at all and will be totally uncooperative and get into trouble purposely to make Mommy’s hair fall out” kind of day. Which sucks, a lot. My voice feels hoarse from telling him “no”. Don’t touch the TV, don’t pull the ornaments off the tree…someone please tell me this is just a bad day, or hell…even a phase? That I will have my sweet, cooperative little boy back soon?

He just doesn’t listen anymore, unless it’s something he wants to do. I don’t want him to develop the “my way or the highway” attitude I see so many kids with…that I have, because it really sucks and isn’t fair to other people around.

I’m trying my hardest to remain positive, but thanks to all the random stuff I’ve been dealing with lately (or trying to deal with, anyway), I’m just not in the world’s most positive mood. I’m angry, I’m taking it out on people I shouldn’t (aka my poor husband!), and I’m just tired of myself.

I keep talking about this “change” and “self improvement” I want to make, but I don’t ever do anything about it. I need to stop being so dependent on Matt. Yes, I’m tired, I’m sore and I’m emotionally drained…but by depending so much on him, I’m making him tired, sore and emotionally drained.

It’s a hard truth to swallow. I’ve got to back off, he’s under enough stress as it is at school.

Worlds Worst Wife here, the triple W award goes to me, naturally.

I also have to stop being so damn negative. I try to be positive, but damnit it’s hard. This last year has been so difficult for me, and with me being far away from my sisters’ and my dad it’s just been THAT much harder to handle. I feel like I’m “behind” on the terms of acceptance and understanding. I feel like, by dealing with it “alone”, I’m not really dealing with it. And I’m not. I’m just repressing it for another day, pushing it down so that it can bubble up randomly and send me into a landslide of anger and resentment. Towards her. And it’s not healthy, not for me and not for my family.

Also, I’ve been bouncing back between the longing to have another baby and the longing to go back to school. We can’t afford either or, so I’m bummed out about it.

Today sucks. But there’s still plenty of time for it to redeem itself…hopefully.

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21 Comments

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21 responses to “Thinking and Stuffs.

  1. yknot

    there is a reason they call it the “terrible 2’s” It may have come earlier for you. It is a logical development step & you may have to be Sterner then you want to be in order for him to listen. As for the J-O-B, Tell her exactly that & tell her if she wants to start reporting income for you, she has to Raise your salery to compensate for the tax. She may go for it, but beforehand, you have to do a little figuring to find the correct amount. Otherwise off the books means exactly that.

  2. If you really don’t want to give up looking after the girls maybe you could talk to their mum, explain that the two of you had an agreement about being paid in cash, personally I would be tempted to tell her that you are more than happy to provide receipts, but if you do that you will have to increase your rates, I would also remind her that most people would charge extra for unsociable hours but then I can be quite awkward when it comes to people changing arrangements lol. ((hugs)) I am sorry you are having a bad day, I hope you feel better soon. You are not the worlds worst wife by any stretch of the imagination, I would bet you money he would much rather you confided in him about this stuff. If it helps I have spent nearly all day telling Logan to stop touching the tree too, he just gives me a look that seems to say but I can’t help it mummy they are so pretty lol. Sorry for the lengthy reply, I kind of ramble sometimes just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling like this, hoped it might help a little. ((((hugs))))). Hugs Crystal xx

  3. What everyone else said about watching the girls.
    As far as the boy – well – they definitely go through phases! My kid just turned 9 and she STILL goes through phases! They’re always testing you, to see how far they can go. The only advice I have is, be consistent. If he can’t do one thing one day, don’t cave in another day, or it starts all over again. Also, giving him options is always good. Like, he wants to play with a glass, so you give him a truck instead, or a cup. (Wow that’s a bad example! Haha) Point is, kids his age are usually easily distracted with something else.
    You’re not a bad wife – you’re human! You’re also doing a great job.
    Now go enjoy your day!

  4. I agree with what everyone else is saying about the job. It sucks but seriously she should stick to the agreements she’s made.

    As for everything else: *hugs* and I personally think you should go back to school when you can before you have more kids. Especially since it won’t take that long once you’re there. But then I’m sure I’ve been telling you to go to school for YEARS now haven’t I? πŸ˜‰

    • I have no idea what would be better. I have no idea what I want to do (have baby, go to school and work then have baby). I know the second one (obvs) is the better “smarter” choice, but I don’t want the kids to be super far apart in age?

      And yes, you have been bugging me for years ahhaah! don’t worry, I’ll get there!

  5. Everyone else has pretty much said what i was thinking.
    Hugs, and send me a text when things get rough. Talking/blogging/tweeting blah blah, helps sometimes.

    Im sure Nolan is totally just going through a stage. I thought all kids go through something like that? I could be clueless though. Who knows. lol. Atleast in a few days you will be down South with family who loves you. ❀

  6. Megan

    Hey! I’m usually just a lurker but this post really got to me. I love your blog and I wanted to let you know that you are so inspirational to me! You are a GREAT mommy to Nolan and a terrific wife to Matt. They are both so lucky to have you – it’s obvious you adore them both. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    My son is named Jacob and he will be 4 in January. I am no longer able to be a stay-at-home mom due to income issues and I have been having a hard time dealing with that. I just don’t feel like I am as good of a mom anymore because work and house hold chores take up so much time. You really inspire me to try to work my hardest at spending special, small moments with him… always read him a book and cuddles before he goes night night, play with him as often as possible and just enjoy his toddler years in general. Thanks so much for that.

  7. at around a year and a half-ish there’s a big developmental jump. usually with more communication coming from them means for testiness and acting out frustration as well. my other friend has been going through it with her son who is a bit younger.
    Nolan is a good boy and you are doing fabulous with him! things will right themselves soon! ❀
    and what everyone else said about the girls.
    ALSO if you are the worst wife ever than i am like. the most abysmal wife ever.
    so seriously ease up on yourself. loving yourself is what helps you get better, not coming down on yourself. you don't need to be punished! ❀

  8. Blaine

    Going to send you an email, since well, while you welcome long replies here, this one is going to be email – caliber. lol

    πŸ™‚

  9. I’m not sure how it is in Canada but in the States you can claim up to $3,000 in babysitting expenses on your taxes, without the babysitter having to pay taxes on it. My mom watches my kids for me, under the table, and she has never had to pay taxes on it, even though I claim it on my taxes.

    You do, however, have to list the babysitter’s social security number because that same babysitter cannot be listed on more than one return because then they’d have to pay taxes on it because they’d be making quite a chunk of change.

  10. Sorry – forgot to subscribe.

  11. Pingback: Our Day {Thus Far} | The Bottle Chronicles

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