Thinking and Stuffs.

I don’t think I’m going to watch the girls anymore. I took on the sitting job with the agreement that it would be under the table, only now she wants me to give her receipts. Which means I’d have to claim the measly amount of money I’m making doing this very part-time. Which means I’d lose money instead of making a little extra.

So, no thanks.

I’m sad about it, because I loved watching the girls. It was great for both Nolan and I. But the agreement was under the table for a reason. I don’t want to pay to work. I can’t afford to pay to work, I really can’t, or else I’d still have that diner job.

So, that sucks.

I’m having more issues with her again, so that also sucks. She’s missing the entire point. She thinks we’re mad at her for selling the house and moving. We’re not. We’re mad at her for so much more than that. But, from the sound of it, that’s why she thinks we’re mad, despite us telling her otherwise so many times. She’s still not taking ownership, or hells…even apologizing for everything she’s put us through.

Also; Nolan is having a “I will not listen to Mommy at all and will be totally uncooperative and get into trouble purposely to make Mommy’s hair fall out” kind of day. Which sucks, a lot. My voice feels hoarse from telling him “no”. Don’t touch the TV, don’t pull the ornaments off the tree…someone please tell me this is just a bad day, or hell…even a phase? That I will have my sweet, cooperative little boy back soon?

He just doesn’t listen anymore, unless it’s something he wants to do. I don’t want him to develop the “my way or the highway” attitude I see so many kids with…that I have, because it really sucks and isn’t fair to other people around.

I’m trying my hardest to remain positive, but thanks to all the random stuff I’ve been dealing with lately (or trying to deal with, anyway), I’m just not in the world’s most positive mood. I’m angry, I’m taking it out on people I shouldn’t (aka my poor husband!), and I’m just tired of myself.

I keep talking about this “change” and “self improvement” I want to make, but I don’t ever do anything about it. I need to stop being so dependent on Matt. Yes, I’m tired, I’m sore and I’m emotionally drained…but by depending so much on him, I’m making him tired, sore and emotionally drained.

It’s a hard truth to swallow. I’ve got to back off, he’s under enough stress as it is at school.

Worlds Worst Wife here, the triple W award goes to me, naturally.

I also have to stop being so damn negative. I try to be positive, but damnit it’s hard. This last year has been so difficult for me, and with me being far away from my sisters’ and my dad it’s just been THAT much harder to handle. I feel like I’m “behind” on the terms of acceptance and understanding. I feel like, by dealing with it “alone”, I’m not really dealing with it. And I’m not. I’m just repressing it for another day, pushing it down so that it can bubble up randomly and send me into a landslide of anger and resentment. Towards her. And it’s not healthy, not for me and not for my family.

Also, I’ve been bouncing back between the longing to have another baby and the longing to go back to school. We can’t afford either or, so I’m bummed out about it.

Today sucks. But there’s still plenty of time for it to redeem itself…hopefully.