Centered

I’ve been feeling a lot more centered lately, in every aspect of my life. 2010 was a difficult, challenging year and I’m glad that it’s over. Even though it was full of great moments and memories, it was also full of not so great moments and memories; full of hurt and unanswered questions. Full of darkness and poison, I learned a lot about the people in my life, and a lot about myself.

I must admit, I’ve been feeling a little depressed since October. So much has happened that has literally shaken the foundation of my thought, that it took a while for me to recover. I was just going through the motions, struggling to stay afloat after everything. I shut myself out from everyone – friends, family, even Matt. I wouldn’t let him close, I wouldn’t explain to him why I was upset all the time. He knew though, he knew it had everything to do with the circumstances in which I was trying to deal with. The issues with a certain someone.

He stood strong, even though I was [stupidly] trying to shut him out and even though I was being a miserable tyrant. Even though I’d have a crying fit, wail “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” and disappear into our bedroom like some emotional teenage girl. He blasted down any walls I attempted to foolishly build around myself in an attempt to “prevent hurt”.

In the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself coming out of that fog though. The thick fog that enveloped me is now dissipating and I can now see the ground in front of me.

I’m happier.

I suppose it has something to do with acceptance, of understanding I can’t change certain things and being okay with that. I suppose it has to do with reaching some sort of conclusion that it’s not my fault.

In any case, I’m grateful for whatever this recent development is. I’m grateful that my days are now filled with more joy than sadness. I’m grateful that I’m no longer living, even subconsciously, in that place of hurt. I’m grateful that I’ve moved on and can honestly say that I have moved on. Because, I have.

I suppose the little steps I’ve been making in order to improve how I feel about myself, as well as Matt’s strong and capable shoulders, have helped.

Every morning, I get up and wash my face, put on some makeup and do my hair, and then I get dressed for the day. In actual clothes. When I was in my funk, I wore my PJ bottoms and Matt’s oversized t-shirts. Not cool, not cool at all. Of course, Matt finds me attractive in any article of clothing and I’m pretty sure he’d still try to ‘get with me’ if I was wearing a dungsake but that’s beside the point, I felt like crap and, when you feel like crap, you look like crap.

So, I’ve been actively keeping the cute. I know I don’t have amazing clothes, hell most of my clothes have holes in them, or are stained, or don’t fit right, or are simply outdated, or I just don’t like them/feel comfortable in them anymore. I do have a couple of cute outfits, but for the most part my wardrobe is in serious need of replenishing {don’t worry: I’m planning on fixing this as soon as it’s feasible within our budget}.

In addition to taking better care of my skin and appearance, I’ve also been taking better care of the appearance of our apartment. Our landlords constantly phrase us for how tidy and clean we are, but while I was in the funk I honestly had to force myself to take care of this place. This tiny, two bedroom apartment was such a huge effort to keep clean. I won’t lie, on some days it still is a huge effort, but I think I can thank my super busy toddler and the little girls I watch for that one hehe. I guess my perspective of how I feel about keeping this place cleaned has changed. Instead of being angry about having to be the “only one” to clean, I opened my eyes and realized that I’m not the only one to clean. Sure, I do the majority of it…but Matt is a full-time college student and he’s working part-time, I am the one who is home. I don’t mind it anymore. In fact, I actually really honestly enjoy cleaning and tidying up.

Did any of my family ever expect those words to come out of Messy Jessie’s mouth? I sure as shit didn’t. But it’s true.

I’ve also calmed down a lot in my reactions. Before, if I was slightly irritated about something, I allowed it to put me in a completely foul ass mood. I was a miserable tyrant when I was irritated. Lately, stuff’s just been rolling off my shoulders. Without effort.

What I didn’t realize, is that it takes so much energy to be negative and sulk about things. Letting stuff roll off your shoulders and carrying on with your day with a smile on your face is effortless. And being lazy, sitting on the couch and doing nothing also, somehow, uses up more energy than getting up does. Weird how that works out, huh?

I’m also being more social. Since I’ve been in my funk, I’ve barely socialized with anybody. We weren’t really home at all last weekend, and this weekend I am hosting my first ever brunch. I’m nervous as all hell, but excited too. I know that it will go off without a hitch because I’m not going to let things go until the last moment. I’m making the casserole Saturday night, after Nolan is in bed. While that bakes in the oven, I’ll make the rest of the breakfast {the raisin bread french toast and the bacon}. And next weekend, Matt and I would like to have some friends over for chili and beer.

So, essentially, I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not feeling like I’m in a fog, or anything negative like that.

I’m letting myself feel and be happy. I’m not waiting for bad things to happen anymore, because bad things happen when you wait for them. Good things happen when you let them.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Centered

  1. Kelly

    What size jeans/ shirts do you wear? I just did a massive closet cleanout and have quite a few pairs of jeans and maybe some shirts I didn’t want to throw away but just don’t fit me anymore… Everything from boot cut to skinny jeans. Let me know if you’re interested…

  2. Well written and encouraging. Thanks for this, it’s always nice to know we aren’t alone in “the funk.” I wrote this wearing my fiance’s oversized t-shirt and pajama pants. Tomorrow I think I’ll get pretty.

    • “The funk” is miserable and I hate it a lot. I’m glad I’m FINALLY breaking out of it!!!

      Matt thinks it’s “seasonal depression”, but if it were…wouldn’t I still be in it? Who knows though, maybe it’ll hit me again later…

      And don’t feel bad! I’m also typing this while wearing my hubs baggy shirt and some of my old PJ comfies haha!!

      So, get pretty tomorrow and take pictures, put em up on your blog! We’ll call it the Get Pretty Project?! or something. bahha

  3. Thank goodness for a loving and understanding husband that gets you through the rough times. I am happy for YOU that you have found that happy place within yourself. Yes, the fact that you actually want to get dressed in real clothes and look nice (you always do anyway) just shows that you really ARE in a much better place. I can totally relate to just “going through the motions” of your days/weeks, but not really living them. And enjoying them. It sucks. Big time. But it also feels great to be out of a funk. Yay for getting to happy!

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