“No”

Thanks to Cristy, I stumbled across this post. I normally say “no” when Nolan’s into something he shouldn’t be – it’s just the first thing that pops out of my mouth, especially if he’s doing something not so great {i.e trying to climb the TV stand – yikes}. I’m not mean to him about it {as in, I don’t scream NO or rudely rip something out of his hands}. I firmly {yet gently} say it, gently take whatever he has and give him something else or move him away from the situation. Still, that article had a lot of good points. Sometimes, I think omg this kid is purposely driving me up the wall and trying to make my to-do list a thousand times longer with all this added trouble, but it’s simply not true. Everything is still new to him in this world, he’s still exploring and sometimes I forget that fact because I sometimes tend to victimize myself. As in, oh woe is me, everyone is out to get me, waah and so on and so forth. Stupid? I know.

But parenting flaws happen because you grew up with them. My mother wasn’t the most patient, and often got angry at us for adding to her workload or making her life difficult when all we were doing was…being kids. It’s a subconscious thing with me, because I witnessed that growing up. Just like my insecurities.

I often try to look at things from a toddler’s perspective and I’m big into the whole mindful motherhood thing {in my opinion, it does really make a difference}, but sometimes when I’m stressed out about the billions of other things going on in my day to day, I forget to look at it from his perspective. Sometimes I suck at mindful mothering and patience. I’ve never been a very patient person, I’m just not wired that way. You can ask Matt if you need confirmation, but I’m sure [most of you] can gather that from reading this blog every day. I try to be patient, but clearly I’m still a toddler at heart myself. I lack patience, and I prefer instant gratification to waiting. I’ve gotten a lot better since Nolan came into our lives; and I’m thankful for that, but I’m not as zen as I’d like to be. I’m uptight and anxious by nature.

But, I’m learning to change, not because I have to but because I want to. I don’t want to be anxious and uptight. I don’t want to be so negative {which is why 2011 is all about kicking negativity to the curb and welcoming positivity with huge open arms}. I don’t want to be insecure and anxious. I don’t want the minor not-so-great things that happen in a day to ruin my entire day. Sometimes? I throw tantrums like a toddler and then request a do-over. It works, because sometimes we just need to stomp our feet and pout about it, then move on from that place.

Another thing I need to learn is to stop saying no. To myself, to Nolan, to Matt. “No” sucks, a lot. I definitely do not want Nolan to grow up thinking the world is a negative place, thinking that the answer to everything is “no”. This doesn’t mean that I’ll let him climb the TV stand, but I’m going to be more positive about my disciplinary actions, I’ll say something like “not for climbing” instead of “no”. This quote, “the fewer “no’s”, the better your day goes” is totally true. I find that when I’m telling Nolan “no” constantly, our day sucks. He’ll find more trouble, or he’ll have more meltdowns.

So, no more “no’s”.

Note: Re-reading this post sort of makes me feel like I’m the last person to clue in about something completely obvious again. Sigh. Sometimes I suck.

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9 Comments

Filed under #FAIL, challenges, changes, family, good times, just thoughts, mama musings, parenting, reflecting, self improvement, the random, toddlerhood, um what?, updates, writing

9 responses to ““No”

  1. “Note: Re-reading this post sort of makes me feel like I’m the last person to clue in about something completely obvious again. Sigh. Sometimes I suck.” – honey… don’t be so hard on yourself. it’s always harder to see the situation clearly and rationally until you’re on the outside, looking in from a different perspective. it seems obvious reading it, but it’s not always like that at first. “no” is such a common word- it’s not like every time you say it, your brain tells you to quit being so negative. y’know what i mean?

    you’re the best mama ever- and even though you may say “no” or get impatient sometimes, nolan is obviously a very happy, active, and fulfilled kid.

    xo

  2. Wow, I didn’t even know that people noticed when I shared stuff via Twitter!
    That post struck a huge cord with me just because of all my ‘certain friends with kids’ issue. Which you know alllllll about lol. I have a lot of bad habits too from how I grew up and I so don’t want to be that way with my kid/spouse.
    It’s so hard to break those habits though!! Like ARGH.
    You are doing amazing Jess! I second Elle, don’t be so hard on yourself. Nolan is awesome because he just is awesome, but also hugely thanks to you and Matt too!!
    ❤

  3. I don’t have kids (yet!), so all I know about disciplinary methods is what I was raised with and what I see my friends do with their kids. I do know that discipline is necessary, and that positive reinforcement often works better than negative reinforcement. Example: “If you do your homework without hassle every night for a week, we’ll go out for ice cream,” versus, “Do your homework, or you’re grounded!” The child learns that hard work and positive behavior earn rewards, rather than trying to stay out of trouble constantly.

    Unfortunately, little ones don’t quite get that concept, so I can totally see how using the word “no” over and over can get exasperating for both mommy and child… as well as how scary it is to see them heading for a hot burner or something else dangerous, and the only thing you can think of to say is, “NO!”

    You will figure it out. You’re an awesome mom, and Nolan definitely knows he is loved!

  4. The article you linked back to is so helpful! It’s very true. If I raise my voice, it hurts Landon’s feelings and he starts wailing. I don’t even mean to raise my voice but if I notice he has a black permanent marker (that his father left within his reach might I add) in his hand it’s just instinct for me to jump up and go “NO!” If I calmly, nicely explain to him that he can’t play with something he almost always reacts the same way: calmly. And then he finds something new to play with, no problems.

    • Nolan is the same way!! If I raise my voice, even a little bit, he’ll get super upset. But if I’m calm he’s calm. It’s a good thing I packed those crackers yesterday! I wasn’t going to, because I thought we’d have a “quick” trip. They will ALWAYS be on hand from here on out.

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