Category Archives: funny shit

Thirty Facts

Saw this on Elle’s blog. Thought it might be fun!

Picture by Mandy Getschmen; my wedding day {no stealing!}

  1. I can’t sleep with our bedroom door opened. It needs to be closed, at least part way. Before I moved in with Matt {and got a cat}, it had to be closed all the way. But then Sketch came into the picture, and she will literally toss herself at our door until we open it. So I’ve adjusted to it being closed halfway but not fully so the cat can still get in.
  2. I am thoroughly disgusted by raisins. I can’t eat them without gagging {I only eat them if I absolutely have to: like today, the only bread we have is raisin bread, so…yeah}.
  3. If I had it my way, I would eat pasta for every meal every single day. And be completely happy with it. I looove pasta!
  4. I get great ideas and jump aboard, only to regret my decision later. Example: joining the gym. Not such a great idea from the get-go.
  5. I rarely splurge on myself. I haven’t bought brand new clothes in what feels like a decade.
  6. I’m a disorganized neat freak. I hate dirty things and messes, but I can’t organize space and paperwork to save my life. It drives me absolutely nuts.
  7. My husband and I argue a lot, about everything. It’s amusing.
  8. I’m addicted to crappy reality TV and Lindor chocolates.
  9. I write a detailed grocery list and won’t buy anything that’s “not on my list”.
  10. When grocery shopping, I always forget my reusable bags and always ending buying at least two more. Which is why I have a staggering collection of reusable grocery bags.
  11. I hate maple syrup on my pancakes 99.9% of the time. There is the super rare occurrence that I’ll have it, but trust me when I say it’s a rare occurrence.
  12. I think the hair on my eyebrows grows faster than the hair on my head. I totally need “maintenance” about twice a week. For reals. Nasty, huh?
  13. I make my husband tuck me in at night, just so I can fall asleep in his arms {since he stays up way later than I do}.
  14. The show Swamp People literally freaks me out.
  15. I love decorating our apartment, and buying new things for it. Which is why I’m not allowed to go to Walmart or Winners frequently.
  16. I bought a sports bra last week that was literally like 3 sizes too small and forgot to return it, so now I have this ridiculously small bra that I have no idea what to do with.
  17. I’m rather flighty with decisions. I’ll be totally game for one idea, then bounce over to another just as quickly as “I made up my mind”. Which brings me to the next fact…
  18. I’m horrible at decision making.
  19. I’m addicted to my BlackBerry, even if it doesn’t always work. {Which reminds me! It’s working again. I can hear my ringtone when people call me and the lock button actually locks. Random much?}
  20. My guilty pleasure is vampire books/shows/movies. Twilight, Vampire Diaries, and True Blood particularly.
  21. I’m eating ham right now, and it’s good.
  22. I actually love hot dogs a lot. I don’t care what they’re made of, I’ll eat em. My fav is BBQ’d hotdogs 😀 with cheese and onions and ketchup and mustard!
  23. I’m hungry right now. Which is why I’m eating ham and talking about food?
  24. I’m totally one of those people who eats peanut butter right off the spoon – for your info Elle {fact #4: she doesn’t like that haha}.
  25. I refuse to eat my bread crust. Hi, I’m five?
  26. I love dancing, even though I suck at it. Like, legit suck.
  27. I can’t hold my liquor. At all. Ask Sketch, the last time I got drunk I chased her around the apartment because I thought she was choking. Then I knocked a beer over and soaked my futon and everywhere else. I think I even got the cat!
  28. I can’t stand fish. At all. They freak me out. So do chickens, and the way they move.
  29. I hate when people stare at me. I don’t care if they’re thinking I’m pretty or awesome, I just don’t like it. I’d rather nobody looked at me at all. I know, I’m weird.
  30. I’m keeping a secret 😀 not very well, since I just told y’all I have a secret, but still.

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A {Very Sad} Letter to BlackBerries {specifically mine}

Dear BlackBerry:

I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I held you in the Bell store, not even two months ago. You were far prettier and faster than my old BlackBerry, and you had wireless capabilities. I treat you like a queen, you practically sit on a royal cushion day after day. The kind of treatment you get is actually quite ridiculous.

And yet, randomly, you refuse to lock. I now am that person who butt calls everyone. You refuse to ring, no matter what setting you’re on. You refuse to sound the alarm should I set it. I don’t know what I ever did to wrong you, to hurt you…but you’re hurting me by acting up so quickly into our relationship. I thought we were meant to be! I even paid extra for your pretty self! But now you mock me by not working.

A girl needs a lock button, and a girl needs to be able to hear her phone should it ring {or the alarm, should it go off}. I’m worried about our future together…if this is happening just two months into our relationship…well, I have reason to worry. Obviously, I now have to take you all the way in to a Bell store and send you off for repairs. But I’m worried those repairs won’t fix the future issues, I’m worried that as soon as your warranty wears out, you will fall to the same fate my last BlackBerry did. I’m worried all the issues I’ll have with you will cause me to go literally insane.

You know, I renewed my contract with Bell for another three years to get you. I thought for sure that BlackBerry had improved their phones, since everyone else I talked to had no issues with it. But alas, here we are…you’re not ringing, nor are you locking. I butt dialed six people already today. Luckily they were all Matt, but still. You didn’t get dropped, you didn’t get thrown, you didn’t get left out in the freezing cold of my car. You are treated like a celebrity. I’m beginning to think you’ve got Lindsay Lohan’s personality: despite all the allowances you have, you’re still a drunken mess.

I hope that when I take you in for repairs, it solves all of our issues together. Otherwise, I’m going to have to replace you again. Only this time? I’ll replace you with an iPhone. Yeah, I went there.

Love,
Your owner with the broken-heart:
Jess

P.S. I really don’t want an iPhone, I want you, but I want and need you to work properly. We’re in this together, for three years.

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How We Do

Today is our 6 month wedding anniversary. That’s half-a-year.

Woah.

It feels like we just got married yesterday, so how is this even possible? Oh, right..it’s possible in the same way that our baby boy is three months away from being two when I just had him last week.

What?

I don’t know.

Time’s just going by way to quickly, and I don’t even know how that’s possible because sometimes the weeks drag by so slowly and then all of a sudden it’s 6 months later. {Note: I’m saving the reaaally sappy post for later}.

But, anywho. We’re celebrating our half-a-year anniversary by just being together. This morning we went to Walmart and splruged. We finally bought new cushions for our couch, so now we don’t have to fight over who gets the futon pillows.

Aren’t they pretty?! I loves them. Kim and I are both fond of the chocolate brown with splashes of turquoise look. I love chocolate brown, it makes me think of chocolate. Which I actually still have and should probably go get…

Anyway, I also tried to find two chocolate brown or cream throws for our couches {to retire our purple bed comforter to the closet} but couldn’t find anything I liked. We love huge, warm blankets. We’re cool like that. We bought a bunch of stuff that we needed {cleaning supplies, soaps, deodorant etc} and Matt let Nolan pick out a couple of shirts. Then Matt forced me to go spend the $60 gift card he bought me for La Senza at Christmas.

I was supposed to buy bras, but I couldn’t find anything that looked/felt comfortable that wasn’t over what I wanted to spend. I have a La Senza bra on now, and it was great for the first little while but…I’m a firm {hehe} believer in the fact that if you want a really great bra that will last you need to get it custom made.

So instead, I bought something “fun” for our anniversary 😉 no pictures of that, sorry folks!

Nolan’s scores from today 🙂 he picked them all out with Daddy!

While I was in La Senza, Matt was spoiling the hell out of our little boy and let him pick out a couple of books. Matt seriously loves to spoil us – it’s totally bad, in a good way. Apparently Nolan had a blast hitting on every female within eye sight. 😉

We had a quick lunch before heading home. I felt super guilty consuming that {incredibly delicious} veggie works fries from NYFs because I had totally forgotten about my Personal Health Portfolio appointment at the gym and completely missed it. Yes, I already fail at this whole gym thing. Sigh. Never fear though, I’m not giving up…yet, anyway. I’ve rescheduled my appointment and I’ll be for sure hitting up the gym on Wednesday for my cardio orientation.

I need to start leaving myself post-it-notes, because my personal assistant sucks at checking my scheduler for me. {Seriously, she really sucks at life}.

Anywho; so that was our day thus far. When both the boys wake up from their naps {yes, they nap at the same time because apparently Matt is 2}, we’re going to go outside and PLAY in the snow! Then we’re making salmon and garlic mashed potatoes for dinner 🙂 nom!

Once the kiddo is in bed, we’ll probably rent a movie and snuggle up on the couch…and other stuff 😉

LIKE BOARD GAMES!

P.S. Some funny videos to make you laugh…haha

annnnnnnd

oh annnd…

awesomesauce, huh?

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Another week in BlackBerry photos

Bucket head? Butter head? Or butter bucket head?

Watching Yo Gabba Gabba, and snuggling up with mama ❤

“Take THAT fruit loop!”

“EW mommy, get it away!!” (not a fan of sweet potatoes I see…or anything with nutritional value).

I looked over from doing dishes on Thursday night and saw this. Fun huh?

And then there’s this…

Really, there’s no words for that.

Happy Saturday!!!

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A Letter to my Cat

Dear Sketch;

You know I love you, right? I know it’s hard to tell sometimes, because I curse you repeatedly for being THE WORLDS most annoying cat…especially at the crack ass of dawn when you meow at our door because you feel it’s time for us to get up and give you some loving. Then when I finally do get up and attempt to have my morning pee, you’re all over me like a fat kid on cake. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat on your damn tail while half asleep and trying to do my business. So please, stop going underneath my legs when I’m trying to sit on the toilet. TOTALLY uncool and annoying. If it doesn’t stop, I can’t promise you that I’ll never accidentally pee on your tail. I mean, COME ON! Interrupting my morning pee like that just begs for some kind of gross punishment. Plus, I’m half asleep when you do it and it’s a wonder that I haven’t yet accidentally peed on you. For reals. I don’t have that much control over my bladder, thanks to the wonderful miracle of pregnancy.

But this letter isn’t really about the whole daily bathroom thing I’m forced to endure (and the 5am wake up calls). Oh no, it’s about your “schedule”.

Every morning, without fail you take the worlds stinkiest shit as I’m in the kitchen making my morning tea (or coffee, whatever I feel like that day). It’s literally so gross that your bodily fumes burn my nostrils and make me gag repetitively. As if that wasn’t enough, you do a terrible job “covering it up”. I’m pretty sure you just enjoy leaving that crap fermenting. I can see you in the corner, paw over your mouth, giggling like a school girl as I try not to barf all over the place.

And you know me, you know that I’m obsessive compulsive and can not let it sit and ignore it. You know that I have to instantly clean the entire cat box if I have any hopes of redeeming my morning. And I do, and then I can’t shake the smell of cat litter. It really puts a dampening on your morning when all you want to do is enjoy your bloody tea and not smell cat shit/litter.

Not to mention, your disgusting rank ass literally kills any desire to eat breakfast, which is not good on account of I’m trying to get all healthy and not turn into Betty White before 11am.

For once I would love to have my morning tea (or coffee) in peace, without the smell of whatever is leaking from your ass. For once, I would like to not have to obsessively clean the cat box before consuming a healthy dose of caffeine. Or eating. Eating is completely out of the question thanks to you.

You know I love you, you know I feed you and give you water and love every single day. Hells, I even pump you full of Temptation cat treats and this is how you repay me?

All I ask is that you push your “schedule” back a few hours, and have your morning deposits after I’ve had my morning tea (or coffee) and breakfast. Then I won’t be cursing you come 11am because I’ve – yet againturned into Betty White. Our entire household would benefit from this, trust me! The fate of all of our happiness rests in your capable paws, so please, make this right!

Love always,
Mama

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The Most Baffling Thing…

I’ve been meaning to blog for the past 2 hours but I couldn’t think of anything to write about, until I saw a question on Emily’s blog from her post, Men Are From Mars.

What is the most baffling thing your husband does?

Thank you Emily! What a great way to help me overcome the bout of writer’s block I was suffering from! A blog post dedicated to the baffling things my husband does 🙂 this is good, because he does a lot of baffling things.

I would like to start off by saying that I love my husband – and his “quirks” – dearly. He is my other half, and I can’t imagine life without him.

But, home boy is strange. Like, he cannot wear socks that match. If I match his socks for him and put them away in his sock drawer, he will literally search for pairs that do not match because he doesn’t like wearing matching socks. He’s been known to wear one black sock and one white sock. He’s also been known to dress Nolan in the same manor. I’m all about the matching socks! I can’t stand it when I can’t find a pair that matches! But Matt has to have mix-matched socks.

And he has a horrible tendency of leaving nail clippings all over the place. On the end table, on the coffee table, on the couch – I find those suckers everywhere. In fact, I lifted up the carpet today and – low and behold – nail clippings.

He also pretty ridiculous when playing xBox online with his college buddies…the kind of things that come out of his mouth are just baffling:

“You’re adopted!”
“You touch dicks!”
“They are afraid of the wolf pack!”

…oh they’re endless. I can hear him from the bedroom and I die laughing, every single time.

He also is completely oblivious to clutter. He can clean – he’s great at scrubbing floors, cleaning dishes/counter tops, and tidying toys, but the man cannot see clutter at all. “It’s fine”, he tells me when I start to freak out about the clutter that tries to take over every inch of space on the bookshelf.

He’ll go out grocery shopping and spend nearly double what I do and somehow miss half the list.

But, when he does go out grocery shopping…he brings me home treats. A small box of Lindor chocolates, or Reeses Cups (don’t worry, not anymore since my diet!). The man baffles me in his ability to take my breath away too. He catches me off guard a lot, and I love it.

There are things about him that I will probably never really understand (like the whole sock thing), but I’m okay with that…it’s what makes him, HIM. I know that I am incrediably lucky, and I probably don’t tell him that as often as I should, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to go do just that 🙂

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I suck at ‘Mom-Dating’.

My dear friend Sarah from Old School New School Mom has some pretty hilarious posts about mom-dating. Which is when you search for a mom friend with kids roughly your kid’s age and hope you have tons of stuff in common so that play dates aren’t just for the kids, and also so that you have someone who you can talk to and all that jazz.

Reading her posts about mom-dating, I have got to say…I suck at it. I have blown so many ‘mom-dates’ with my stupid absent-minded way of conversing. I am awkward in real life, trust me. Absent minded is the perfect way to describe me. I’m one of those people who will think something, say it and have it come out completely wrong and jumbled. I have my own jargon, my own language. And finding people who understand my jargon, my language? Yeah…it’s pretty impossible.

I don’t know when I became so bad at making friends. I used to be a social butterfly. I used to befriend anybody and be nice to all. I am still nice to everyone, but since blogging…the lines of what I should share and what I shouldn’t share are a wee bit blurred. Here in the blogging world, we can say things like “Hi, I’m Jess, I’m 21. I have a 15 month old son and just got married.” and then continue on to spill our entire life stories.

And, since my “interaction” with people for the last like two years {save for Matt and my recent trips to playgroup} has only been my blog and the blogging community, well…my filter on what is appropriate “first date” conversation is blurred.

I don’t know how to fix this, because …as I said, I am “absent-minded” by nature. When having conversations, or doing anything really I’m usually thinking about a thousand other things. And it’s hard to stop my ways because they are, well, MY WAYS.

As if mom-dating wasn’t hard enough, add “sucking at it” to the list..eh? Go me.

How are you at ‘mom-dating’? Good? Bad? Don’t care? Or am I like one of the only people who really thinks about this and wants to have mom friends that I can really relate to IRL {cause I do have quite a few online, and you guys rock but…coffee dates?? yanno??? I still love yas though!}.

I probably am the only one who really stresses about this. But I could SO use a nice mom with a kid Nolan’s age with whom I could certainly relate to locally! *

*I might add that there IS one nice mom with a daughter a little younger than Nolan, she’s very sweet. BUT she might be moving soon so I’m trying not get my hopes up that we’ll be BFFS lmfao. What can I say? I’m just guarding my heart? lol. 😉

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