Category Archives: life lessons

Attention Asshat Drivers: Stop Taking Risks

I don’t know what it is about snow storms that bring out total douchebags on the road, but I’m tired for it. I’m longing for spring – but I know that spring doesn’t grantee douchebag free roads. But still. Winter makes it worse. Especially because the douchebags drive like there isn’t tons of slippery snow and ice on the asphalt.

This evening, I was backing out of my driveway to drive Britt and Serena home. My driveway is at the bottom of a hill on a well traveled road, but I assure you I checked and double checked before backing out. I was about a quarter of the way finished backing out when some asshat appears at the top of the hill, driving towards us. Clearly, I’m backing out of my driveway. My car is pretty damn noticeable, and the dude had plenty of time to slow the fuck down. But guess what? He didn’t. He nearly smashed into me and was on my ass so much so that I had to honk at him to show my annoyance {even though he was behind me…but I’m pretty sure he knew who I was honking at}, and when I was straightening out he decided to try and get around me. With another car coming in the opposite direction. Which caused me to nearly drive into the ditch. When I laid my hand on the horn he {or she} stopped trying to get around and I was able to straighten out and drive forward but I was not comfortable at all, since this idiot put us in danger countless times within 1 minute AND continued to ride my ass.

To the driver of that car: What. The. Fuck. You asshole prick! I had two babies in my car! TWO. And another one on the way! I’m sorry that slowing down and allowing me to completely back out of my driveway without harrassing my back end would waste so much of your precious time, but guess what’s more precious than your time? Our lives. All of ours, even your douchebag life. But most importantly: those babies lives are more important than your “inconvenience” of having to slow down {which, I might add…YOU DIDN’T. AT ALL}.

I am so tired of sharing the roads with risk takers. People who just “don’t have the time” to slow the hell down and drive safely. People who don’t let others have the right of way when they rightfully have it. People who speed through four way stops because stopping is just such a drag.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve almost been in an accident due to somebody’s stupid dick moves on the road. Honestly? I’m a good driver. I’m careful, but I’m not a turtle. I don’t endanger people by driving too slow and I don’t endanger people by driving too fast. I am cautious and I react well {for the most part}. I drive for the weather conditions. I don’t cut people off, or steal their right away. I drive like I’m carrying precious cargo because I am. My baby – ok, I guess I should say babies -are the most important people in my life, and I’m tired of douchebags putting our lives in danger because they’re taking stupid risks.

I really hope that this post reaches out to at least one douchebag driver out there, and makes them think twice before taking stupid risks. Remember: it’s not just your life you’re risking, you’re risking the lives of other people too, the lives of kids and babies. So slow the fuck down and chill out. Drive with caution and care of everyone else on the road as well as yourself, and don’t take risks. Don’t endanger other people, and don’t endanger my babies or my friends babies, don’t endanger my nieces and nephews.

That’s all, thanks.



Filed under annoyances, bitchin' and moanin', dumbass people, ed-u-ma-cation, issues, life lessons, mama musings, ranting, stuff that bites, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

Love {in Black and White}

I love it when I get a lot accomplished around the house yet still feel like I’ve given Nolan tons of interaction. I love sitting down during naptime {in my clean livingroom}, playing around online and not feeling guilty because there’s no pressing matters on my to-do list.

I also love the pictures I took of Nolan this morning, eating an apple. It was his first time eating an apple like a “big kid”. Usually, I cut up the pieces for him. But today, he was in a rather bitey mood {ugh; I have a fat lip FYI} so I decided he should take those biting urges out on an apple.

[love his eyes in this one!]

Guess what? It totally worked. He destroyed that apple and didn’t bite me {or even attempt to} for the rest of the morning {and I hope he’ll continue to not bite me during the afternoon}. Plus it was a totally healthy snack 😉 an apple a day keeps the doctor away! {just like a post a day keeps the men in white coats away – for this mama, anyway 😉 hehe}.

So; our morning was great. We snuggled on the couch, read some books, played with some puzzles and just relaxed. Then I spent about 45 minutes cleaning the house and folding laundry – with Nolan’s help, of course.

helping mama fold laundry! {he did the top few}

He’s such a bright little child! During lunch time, we practiced counting the noodles on the tray. He got up to four!  Well sorta, it sounded more like “Un! Uoo! Fee! ORE” but still awesome, right?! He loves counting. Matt bought him a counting book yesterday, and I think I’ve read it about six times. I need to invest in some flash cards for him because he’d totally love them. I tried to find them at a local toy store yesterday to no avail. Sigh. I’ll probably stumbling across them when he’s 13 and in college and we’ll no longer need them.

And in other news, you’ll notice a little section on my blog sidebar that says “my tumblr” with a little button-link thing. I’ve created a tumblr blog for my overwhelming amount of Nolan pictures because WordPress is now telling me I have used up 76.1% of my storage for pictures. I know that I still have quite a bit of storage left, but I still felt that I needed another space for all my pictures! I’m worried I’ll totally use up all the remaining space here in no-time, and I’m definitely not going to buy a space upgrade – holy not in the budget or even practical. I’m saving to switch to an actual host, so I can get unlimited uploads again like I had at Sarcastica.

So head over and check it out! I’m still new at using Tumblr…and boy is it a lot different from WordPress or even Blogger. It took me forever how to figure out how the whole commenting thing works {apparently you have to install Disqus, which I’ve done so you can now comment on my tumblr blog}. Still, it’s a great place for all the photos 🙂 and it’s so easy to post photos directly from my BlackBerry!

P.S. In other, random news…I fail at the whole gym thing. I missed another orientation. I honestly need to get a personal assistant to remind me of stuff, because even though I put it in my day planner and on my BlackBerry scheduler, I don’t check until it’s too late. Five minutes does not give you enough time to get you and your toddler dressed and everything packed up and find parking and and and. So yeah, I suck at this whole gym thing.

And…I just might be giving up before I even start. I know! I’m horrible, aren’t I? I have an appointment on Wednesday to possibly get out of my membership. I know that I doing really have the time and dedication to get my moneys worth out of that membership. Sure, the classes look fun but at the rate I’m going with remembering shit I’m probably better off buying a couple of work out DVDs and doing it during Nolan’s naptime. Plus I have no one to go with and the idea of going by myself is so unappealing. If they do let me get out of it {fingers crossed} without paying the fee {which is only $99 – not bad at all!} I’ll totally buy some work out videos. If I have to pay the $99, I’ll wait on the work out videos.

Sometimes, my foolishness amazes me. I’m constantly doing crap like that: jumping aboard of a fleeting moment of I want to work out! I’m better off starting out doing physio exercises.

It’s not like I need to lose a lot of weight. I’d be fine if I cut all the crap out of my diet and did a couple work out videos a few times a week, and if I started walking more.

Somebody smack me for thinking that spending any amount {no matter how “good” a deal it is} on a gym membership is a good idea for me.

Sigh. Yes, I is an idiot?


Filed under #FAIL, changes, family, good times, just thoughts, life as I know it, life lessons, linkage, little moments, love love love, mama musings, me me ME, Nolan, the beautiful, the random, tidbits, toddlerhood, um what?, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

50s Housewife Beliefs

I never thought in a million years that I would be a domestic goddess. When I was a kid, I hated doing chores. I hid from my chores and made up excuses to get out of doing stuff that I didn’t want to do. They called me “Messy Jessie” for a reason.

But, since becoming a mom and living with Matt…since marrying Matt…I’ve changed.

I actually enjoy cleaning, and cooking. I actually enjoy doing laundry. Sure, there are days when I hide from my chores, but for the most part I clean every single day. Our house is always clean. It may not always be organized but it’s always clean.

My granny once said:

After working all day, a man likes to come home to a home-cooked meal, or at least smell it cooking in the oven, and a clean house. He likes to fall asleep in clean sheets and have clean clothes for the next day.

And it’s true. If anyone knows about a successful marriage, it’s my granny. She’s been married for nearly 60 years {I think, I know she’s been married for well over 50, & I’m pretty sure we threw her a 50th wedding anniversary party 10 years ago so yeah}.

I do these things…cooking, cleaning, laundry…to show Matt my appreciation for all that he does. He’s in school full-time right now, taking a welder/pipe fitter program, and working part-time fusion-welding. He’s working so hard to ensure stability in our future, he’s working so hard to bring us up in the world. The least I can do is cook a couple home-cooked meals a week for him, make his lunch and keep our home clean. He doesn’t believe that I need to do all of it by myself, and he does help out a lot and he gives me breaks. But I like having it all done for him when he gets home.

I enjoy doing all those things too. I enjoy having a yummy, home-cooked meal with my family every night. I enjoy relaxing in a clean house. I enjoy having clean clothes for everyone. I enjoy when things are put away and tidy. When my environment is chaotic, I am chaotic.

Someone once told me that I was doing too much for him, that he should do more around the house. I looked at her, this person, as if she had eight heads. This was during the summer, when Matt was working full-time as a laborer. He was exhausted when he got home and barely had the energy to play with Nolan, but he did anyway. The last thing I was going to do was force him to do a bunch of chores around the house, a bunch of chores that I was fully capable of doing by myself.

This same person is divorced now, so that just proves…what, exactly?

Perhaps that when you’re both working full-time, it makes more sense to divide up the chores and all that. But I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I’m here all the time.

Honestly, I’m all for equal rights…but when you’re a stay at home parent, why the hell not be “housewifey” like that? Why not keep the house clean and keep the evenings for just the two of you, after the kiddos are in bed?

That’s what I do. I keep the evenings free of all the “chores”, because I’d much rather snuggle with him on the couch and just relax. I do everything during the day, so we have those evenings together.

Sure, I have lazy days…who doesn’t? I’m not perfect. There are some days when Nolan makes it a little difficult to get everything done I need to in the day, as I’m focused on playing with him and making sure he’s learning and growing. But for the most part, I stay on top of everything. I use naptime to heavy duty clean. Cleaning relaxes me. Having a clean home makes me happy. Me being happy makes Matt happy.

I think that most marriages don’t last because a lot of people are in it for self-benefit. Like, they do nice things for each other so that the other person does nice things back, you know? I love doing nice things for Matt because I love to make him happy, making him happy makes me happy. I think that most marriages {and relationships} don’t last for these reasons. There just seems to be so much negativity in the world, and we’re forgetting about the little things. I see so many people who forget to appreciate each other.

So yeah, I sort of buy into the 50 housewife beliefs {some of them, anyway}, what of it?


Filed under discoveries, family, figuring it out, growing up, just thoughts, life lessons, love & marriage, love love love, mama musings, me me ME, opinions, our home, pictures, reflecting, telling stories, thankful, the beautiful, the random, this is love, this is my life, tidbits, what I'm feeling, writing


I’ve been feeling a lot more centered lately, in every aspect of my life. 2010 was a difficult, challenging year and I’m glad that it’s over. Even though it was full of great moments and memories, it was also full of not so great moments and memories; full of hurt and unanswered questions. Full of darkness and poison, I learned a lot about the people in my life, and a lot about myself.

I must admit, I’ve been feeling a little depressed since October. So much has happened that has literally shaken the foundation of my thought, that it took a while for me to recover. I was just going through the motions, struggling to stay afloat after everything. I shut myself out from everyone – friends, family, even Matt. I wouldn’t let him close, I wouldn’t explain to him why I was upset all the time. He knew though, he knew it had everything to do with the circumstances in which I was trying to deal with. The issues with a certain someone.

He stood strong, even though I was [stupidly] trying to shut him out and even though I was being a miserable tyrant. Even though I’d have a crying fit, wail “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” and disappear into our bedroom like some emotional teenage girl. He blasted down any walls I attempted to foolishly build around myself in an attempt to “prevent hurt”.

In the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself coming out of that fog though. The thick fog that enveloped me is now dissipating and I can now see the ground in front of me.

I’m happier.

I suppose it has something to do with acceptance, of understanding I can’t change certain things and being okay with that. I suppose it has to do with reaching some sort of conclusion that it’s not my fault.

In any case, I’m grateful for whatever this recent development is. I’m grateful that my days are now filled with more joy than sadness. I’m grateful that I’m no longer living, even subconsciously, in that place of hurt. I’m grateful that I’ve moved on and can honestly say that I have moved on. Because, I have.

I suppose the little steps I’ve been making in order to improve how I feel about myself, as well as Matt’s strong and capable shoulders, have helped.

Every morning, I get up and wash my face, put on some makeup and do my hair, and then I get dressed for the day. In actual clothes. When I was in my funk, I wore my PJ bottoms and Matt’s oversized t-shirts. Not cool, not cool at all. Of course, Matt finds me attractive in any article of clothing and I’m pretty sure he’d still try to ‘get with me’ if I was wearing a dungsake but that’s beside the point, I felt like crap and, when you feel like crap, you look like crap.

So, I’ve been actively keeping the cute. I know I don’t have amazing clothes, hell most of my clothes have holes in them, or are stained, or don’t fit right, or are simply outdated, or I just don’t like them/feel comfortable in them anymore. I do have a couple of cute outfits, but for the most part my wardrobe is in serious need of replenishing {don’t worry: I’m planning on fixing this as soon as it’s feasible within our budget}.

In addition to taking better care of my skin and appearance, I’ve also been taking better care of the appearance of our apartment. Our landlords constantly phrase us for how tidy and clean we are, but while I was in the funk I honestly had to force myself to take care of this place. This tiny, two bedroom apartment was such a huge effort to keep clean. I won’t lie, on some days it still is a huge effort, but I think I can thank my super busy toddler and the little girls I watch for that one hehe. I guess my perspective of how I feel about keeping this place cleaned has changed. Instead of being angry about having to be the “only one” to clean, I opened my eyes and realized that I’m not the only one to clean. Sure, I do the majority of it…but Matt is a full-time college student and he’s working part-time, I am the one who is home. I don’t mind it anymore. In fact, I actually really honestly enjoy cleaning and tidying up.

Did any of my family ever expect those words to come out of Messy Jessie’s mouth? I sure as shit didn’t. But it’s true.

I’ve also calmed down a lot in my reactions. Before, if I was slightly irritated about something, I allowed it to put me in a completely foul ass mood. I was a miserable tyrant when I was irritated. Lately, stuff’s just been rolling off my shoulders. Without effort.

What I didn’t realize, is that it takes so much energy to be negative and sulk about things. Letting stuff roll off your shoulders and carrying on with your day with a smile on your face is effortless. And being lazy, sitting on the couch and doing nothing also, somehow, uses up more energy than getting up does. Weird how that works out, huh?

I’m also being more social. Since I’ve been in my funk, I’ve barely socialized with anybody. We weren’t really home at all last weekend, and this weekend I am hosting my first ever brunch. I’m nervous as all hell, but excited too. I know that it will go off without a hitch because I’m not going to let things go until the last moment. I’m making the casserole Saturday night, after Nolan is in bed. While that bakes in the oven, I’ll make the rest of the breakfast {the raisin bread french toast and the bacon}. And next weekend, Matt and I would like to have some friends over for chili and beer.

So, essentially, I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not feeling like I’m in a fog, or anything negative like that.

I’m letting myself feel and be happy. I’m not waiting for bad things to happen anymore, because bad things happen when you wait for them. Good things happen when you let them.


Filed under challenges, changes, family, fears, figuring it out, growing up, I don't know, just thoughts, life lessons, linkage, little moments, love love love, mama musings, me me ME, new stuff, on struggles, pain, recovery, reflecting, scars, self image, self improvement, telling stories, the difficult, this crazy train, tidbits, tough stuff, uncensored, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

You Don’t Say!?

This weekend has been incredible and incredibly busy!

On Friday night, Matt and I had a “stay-in date night”, and we watched some movies online while snuggling on the couch. It was awesome, and we really needed it.

Saturday afternoon we had a couple of friends over. Seth has been Matt’s friend since they were young teens, and the guy is a riot! His wife-to-be, Mir, is also really awesome. Hanging out with them is great! We hung out in the livingroom and caught up with each others lives while Nolan napped, then when he woke up we all took him for a walk outside. Nolan absolutely loves Seth and Mir, and we all had a blast playing outside in the snow like little kids. There may have or may not have been some snow bank tossing, and weak attempts at snow fights that only didn’t work because the snow is too powdery. It was still fun! We came in and had some hot chocolate, then decided that we should have dinner together and maybe get our drink on after Nolan went to bed.

We went to Seth and Mir’s house for this, though, because they had a bunch of booze left over from the holiday and all the board games. Matt and I still haven’t even thought about buying some board games yet, but we really need to. After I packed Nolan’s overnight things and some snacks and grabbed a lasagna out of the freezer, we all piled into Mir’s car and drove to their house. They live about a 20 minute drive away, in a charming small town.

When we got there, we fed Nolan some dinner and hung out in the kitchen while the lasagna baked. We tried to put Nolan down at his regular bedtime, but he just wasn’t having it so he ended up hanging out with us until 8:30-9pm-ish.

He had a blast exploring Seth and Mir’s house, but finally went down without a fuss at 9. Mir and I had some wine and watched Grey’s Anatomy while the guys drank beer and also watched Grey’s Anatomy, then we hard some odd banging noises coming from upstairs so we went to check on Nolan. He was still awake, and had been so quiet because he had gotten into Mir’s jewerly drawer and pulled out all her necklaces, then found a screw driver and was banging it against the dresser.

Awesome, huh?! So we moved the play pen away from the dressers and made sure there was absolutely nothing the kid could get into, then went downstairs. Within a couple of minutes he was out cold, for good this time, and we decided to start playing some board games.

We played Scattergories and this other hilarious board game that I thought was called “You Don’t Say?!” {hence the title} but is actually called The Game of Things. Honestly? Those are two must-have board games, and I’m buying them ASAP! Especially The Game of Things. Board games are extremely handy to have around, especially if you ever want to entertain guests 🙂 plus, Matt and I love playing a good board game!

After we got bored of those games, we decided to play a couple rounds of Scene It on Xbox before retiring for the night. Also another game that I want to someday, very soon, get for our collection!

I went to bed around 1:00pm, with Matt following shortly after. We stayed in the guest room with Nolan. At about 2pm, Nolan woke up completely upset and kept trying to crawl out of his play pen. I picked him up and all he wanted to do was cuddle in bed, on my head. He would not go back into his play pen, so I sent Matt downstairs so he could get some sleep on the couch, fully knowing that the single bed we were both cramped in wouldn’t fit the 3 of us.

I slept with a baby basically on my head. Nolan wouldn’t have it any other way. Finally, when he was really asleep, I moved him off my head and beside me. This was the first time Nolan had slept in a bed with me since he was 9 months old. Nobody told me that sleeping with a 20 month old is next to impossible, he kicked and shoved so much when he wasn’t trying to sleep on my head that I barely got any sleep at all!

Nolan, on the other hand, loved sleeping in a “big boy bed”. I’m seriously thinking we need to invest in a toddler bed soon. I’ve got my eye on this little number from Sears, although Matt is still holding out firmly for a race car bed…I just don’t think that’s going to happen. They’re a lot more expensive and I’m not entirely in love with the look of them.

Anywho, back to the weekend festivities…Seth drove us back into town so that we could make our breakfast date with Matt’s brother and his wife. Matt had a quick shower, then headed over to Darren and Nat’s. We had a really yummy brunch – Nat made bacon, scrambled eggs, raisin bread french toast, pancakes, and had a yummy assortment of fruit out. It was delish!

Our visit lasted for nearly 3 hours and it was awesome watching the kiddos play together. Darren and Nat’s son is 9 months old, but he already weighs 7 pounds more than Nolan, I think Nolan is a little taller though. In any case, it’s hilarious to see them play together. Aaron got a riot out of Nolan, and laughed his chunky little butt off every time Nolan did something remotely amusing to him {which was every 2 minutes}. Nolan said a couple new words today; couch and cousins, both flawlessly. I got in a lot of girl chat with Nat, while our silly husbands played some new Wii game that Darren got for Christmas. It was a lot of fun!

We came home around 2pm so Nolan could have a nap, and Matt and I also had a lay down. My boys are both still sleeping, but I’m up because I was really thirsty and just couldn’t sleep anymore.

So yes; that was our weekend thus far. It was tons of fun, but I think we’re going to have a relaxing, chill night. It’s a leftover/anything night tonight, so I don’t even have to worry about cooking!

I also really think that we need to make more time to see Darren, Nat and Aaron. We all always get so caught up in the day to day thing, but I’m really thinking that we must pick at least one day every other week to hang out with them. Sunday brunches could become a lovely regular thing, I definitely wouldn’t turn down bacon every Sunday! Plus, it’s super good for Nolan to be around other babies – even younger ones. He’s great with his little cousins 🙂

Tomorrow, I have the girls so I’ll be heading to bed early. Luckily my schedule isn’t as wacky as it was before and I won’t have to be up nearly as early. I’m excited because Nolan loves to play with T {the 3 year old}, and he’ll now have a regular playmate 3 days a week, whether or not I have the car. Awesomesauce!

So, how was your weekend?


Filed under adventures, annoyances, challenges, changes, family, figuring it out, good times, I don't know, just thoughts, life as I know it, life lessons, linkage, love love love, mama musings, me me ME, Nolan, pictures, reflecting, telling stories, thankful, the random, this crazy train, toddlerhood, tough stuff, updates, what I'm feeling, writing

On Thoughts and Stuff

It’s been an uphill battle to reach the “we’ll be okay this month” status. Matt and I have struggled financially for years. We’ve made poor money decisions and gotten into debt, then gotten out of debt and continue to [occasionally] make poor money decisions {but we at least don’t rack up any debt doing so, since we don’t have credit cards!}. Guess what though? We’re finally “there”…for the time being, anyway. But the future is looking very uncertain, and that makes me very nervous.

Matt’s always been luckier when it comes to finding work – of course, he doesn’t have a physical disability that severely limits his job options. I’m not saying that I have the worst handicap out there, because I don’t, but it does prevent me from working any jobs I qualify for. At least for a long period of time. I’m worried about the reminder time that Matt is in school. He’s set to graduate in August, but my disability goes up for review in March. I spoke to my worker about all my fears, my fears of having my claim revoked.

Originally, I said I would be able to get a full-time job. Only then I had to quit my part-time diner job because I couldn’t physically handle it, and I realized that that statement was a pipe dream. I would be able to land a full-time job, yes, but keep it for any length of time? I don’t think so. My body simply doesn’t cooperate the way I want it to.

It’s not like I don’t try, either. I have tried to work and keep jobs. I have suffered through shifts and struggled to remain optimistic that I can, indeed, keep a job like that. Within a few months, it always comes down to the same conclusion; my body simply won’t do what I want {and need} it to do. I always end up run down with more health issues. I’ve worked at fast food places only to quit a week later, because I simply can’t stand for long periods of time. All jobs I qualify for {experience wise} require long periods of standing, running around, lifting etc. Jobs in the food industry and retail. I’ve never been fired from a job, I’ve always had to resign because my body can’t take it.

Which is why I applied for disability when I was pregnant. I knew that pregnancy and birth would hinder me even more so than before. The weight gain was difficult on my hips and legs, and my feet were always swollen. Add that to my chronic pain symptoms, and the mere idea of working at any job I am “qualified” to work at is just laughable. I knew that Matt was fully capable of working, and he was working when I applied, but I felt that I needed to be recognized as a person with a disability should anything happen. It took a long time for disability to reach a decision {and I had to “take it to a lawyer”}, but finally I was approved.

And it’s come in handy. We didn’t need it during the summer, when Matt was working full-time as a general laborer for a Masonry company, but this fall we needed it. Desperately. We embarked on an adventure to stand on our own two feet and get our own place again, and Matt also started college full-time. He didn’t actively look for a job because he wanted to focus on his studies. One of his biggest concerns regarding a job while in school is that he’s worried his marks will slide. When his friend called with this job offer at the shop he works at, Matt thought why not?

Currently, disability pays the rent, the bills, and our groceries. I’m not ashamed to admit this. Services like disability {and welfare} are there when you need it. And guess what? We do need it, right now anyway. If I had the option of working a full-time job I could physically do and bring in enough to meet our basic monthly needs, I would do it in a heartbeat. I love working, I love bringing in money that I’ve worked for. But, because I can’t, I am on disability. Am I planning to be on it for the rest of my life? Hells no! As soon as Matt graduates this August, we will no longer need it. Then I will get to go to college and get an education {and experience} in a job that I can physically do. Disability is just for right now, and I’m very thankful we have it. Disability always gives us a certain amount each month, and when I was working at the diner they docked that pay so that I would always have the same monthly “income” each month. So basically, I was working for “nothing”. We still got the same amount of money, and my body was being put through hell with the high demands of a job I couldn’t physically tolerate. The same goes if Matt has a job: disability will dock what he makes. And rightfully so – if you are making some money, I totally agree with docking what your paychecks are. They still make sure that we have enough to be okay each month, so you always have a set income each and every month.

But because my disability goes up for review in March, a mere two months away, I am worried. Matt’s schooling is our priority right now, and he absolutely cannot get a full-time job, and I won’t qualify for anything that I can physically do with ease. So, I’m obviously worrying about all this.

When I talked to my worker, she told me not to worry about it. She knows our situation, she knows that we’re just trying to get ahead so that we don’t need to be on disability. She told me that they take all aspects of our situation into consideration: the fact that the only able bodied person in our household is in school full-time, the fact that I have a young child, the fact that I have tried to work and it was, unfortunately, to no avail. She also told me that the head office was severely behind in claims, so there is a possibility mine won’t come up for review until a delayed time.

I still can’t help but worry though. That e-mail exchange with a certain family member comes to mind {please comment/e-mail for the password if you don’t have it}. Thanks to that exchange, I do occasionally fear and worry that we’re making bad choices even though I know we aren’t. Moving out was an amazing decision and I don’t regret it. We are both a lot happier and our relationships have improved with Matt’s father and step-mother significantly. I wouldn’t change that decision at all. Sure, things are tight and definitely uncertain, and we go without a lot. But…we’re happier. We love our home. We love our independence and we’re growing individually as well as a couple and family.

I just hope that my disability doesn’t get revoked. I have no idea what we’d do.

Sometimes, I really hate that I have this disability. I know that, if I had a college education, I would have no issues working because I would have a job I could physically tolerate. Office Administration, preferably medical, would be a breeze for me. I just don’t qualify for anything I can physically handle. It makes me frustrated. It makes me worried about Nolan’s future, about his struggles that he will undoubtedly have with this disability. I hope he handles it a lot better than I do. I hope he learns from my mistakes. None of us want to watch our children suffer the way we did.

I’m trying not to feel so bad about it, because I want to leave negativity behind in 2010, so I’m telling myself this…

We’re doing the best we can. I’m doing the best I can. I am an awesome mom and a great wife. I’m good at housekeeping and all that jazz. I’m doing fine. I may not have a career that brings in money and puts me up there on that ladder, but I do have a career in being a full-time mom and it’s the perfect job for me. That won’t change.

I’m reminding myself that this situation won’t always be the situation. We won’t always be on disability, we won’t always be struggling like this. Sure, money problems never end…but we’ll get there. Matt will graduate college and get a great job, and we’ll slowly start putting away money for me to go to school.

I just hope disability will still be here until Matt graduates…


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New Year Resolutions for 2011

Welcome to 2011 folks! This year is full of such potential, and I’m so eager to experience all the wonders it will bring!

I told myself I wasn’t going to make a New Years Resolution, but then decided…why not? So I do have a few Resolutions for 2011…here they are:

1. Actually follow through with keeping these Resolutions. A lot harder than it looks! I always fail at this lol.

2. Eat and generally just BE healthier. I know, I’ve said this before and I actually did it for a few weeks. I don’t know why I stopped, because I felt way better just in general (as well as about myself). But yeah; I fully plan on getting back into it!

3. Be more positive. I often jump to the most negative conclusion, with the excuse that “I don’t want to be blindsided”. But this isn’t healthy, for me and other people (mainly Matt) in my life. I also need to…

4. Be more trusting. Matt has never given me a reason to doubt him before. He is loyal and attentive. Sometimes, he loses track of time with the guys and while although waking up to him not home is scary, I know that he’s not doing anything “bad”. (Other than staying out too late, haha).

5. Go on more adventures with my little family. This will be an easy resolution to keep! Last year we weren’t in the position financially to do the activities I wanted (go to the zoo, the Science Centre, etc) but this year is different. We are out of debt and have a little bit left over at the end of the month – so I plan on saving up for little day trips this spring and summer. For Nolan’s birthday, we’re going to take him to the Toronto Zoo. For a summer trip; we’ll be going to the Science Centre as well as camping at Matt’s family’s property! That last one will be an adventure in itself – camping with a toddler!

6. Save more moneys. If I want to go on more family adventures, we need to have the mola saved up to do so! Not to mention, it’d be lovely to finally be able to buy things for our apartment (new couch, new appliances). Of course that second reason *might* take some time to achieve but a girl can dream right?!

7. Start doing the things I want to do. (Also known as; Improve My Follow Through). I always talk about all the things I want to do (bake more, learn how to knit/sew, etc) but rarely do I attempt to do them. Basically, I am full of ideas but lack the follow through. I need to fix that! While I may not be able to invest in a sewing machine, I can certainly learn how to knit!! Or do that scrapbook I’ve been dying to do! Or that family portrait wall…you see? I’ve got plenty of projects in mind. I just need to do them!

…I was going to try for 10 but those are honestly the top things I want to work on this year. I want to be in a happier, healthier place. At the end of the day, I wanna feel like I did my best and pulled it off.

I plan on printing (or writing out, since we don’t have a working printer) these resolutions and putting them on the fridge, where I’ll see them every day. I want a constant reminder. I think that’s the issue with New Years Resolutions; they often get forgotten in the hustle and bustle of day to day living.

Anyways: Happy New Years everyone! I hope 2011 is a wonderful year for all!!

Cheers to 2011!



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