Category Archives: self image

Take THAT, apartment!!!

Over the past little while, I haven’t been on top of my “domestic duties”, so to speak. I know, this confession is shocking coming from me, huh? The one who actually believes in the 50s housewife mindset {to a degree, anyway}. But it’s true! I’ve been slacking, and then some! The soles of my slippers are caked in squished raisins – and that tells you about the cleanliness of my kitchen floor right there.

For the past week, I’ve been super lazy and tired. I think my iron is low – actually I know my iron is low. I don’t get nearly enough red meats, nor do I eat anything else high in iron. So I’ve been lazy, spending most of my afternoons doing nothing but cuddling up my baby boy and reading stories to him. During his nap time, I also nap…or have been, anyway. Our bedroom was a laundry war-zone, piles of dirty scattered about on the floor and baskets of clean stacked high to the ceiling. I was too lazy to fold the clean laundry, and thus didn’t have any baskets for the dirty laundry. Nor did I have any room in the baskets for more clean laundry so I couldn’t just toss it into the washer and dryer to get rid of it. No, that would mean that I would actually have to fold some of the clean clothes. I did manage to stay on top of the dishes, more or less. After all, we don’t have a dish washer and even at my most laziest moments I can’t stand having dirty dishes in my sink. So, go me for that at least!

Yeah, I’ve been the definition of lazy. Even my blogging indicates that, and that’s totally okay. We’re all entitled to moments {er, in my case, weeks} of laziness. I prefer to call it “weeks of rest”, thank you very much.

In any case, I’ve broken out of the fog spell and slapped myself upside the head. I am the one who does the majority of the cleaning {okay, all of it – although hubs does help me tidy up toys in the evening}, because I am the one that gets bothered most by mess and dirty things. I’ve mentioned thousands of times before that Matt does not see messes the way I see them. He’s blind to them. They don’t exist. The man will cook a fantastic dinner, but leave all of the dishes on the counter. I’m lucky if some of them make it into the sink. So, if I’m the only one who does all the majority of the cleaning, you can bet your socks that our apartment needed my love and attention. So this morning, I gave it just that.

A huge chore for me was the recycling under the sink. We have a little blue recycling bin that is supposed to be taken out to our big recycling bin outside when it gets full. However, our big recycling bin is currently buried under tons of snow, I’ve attempted to make Matt dig it out several times before but according to him “it’s frozen to the ground and if he tries to get it out the bottom will come out.” So, we technically don’t have the use of a big recycling bin. I keep forgetting to go to Walmart and pick up a new one {that will we store in Matt’s truck cab}, not to mention Matt missed recycling this week. {He claims it doesn’t matter, because he didn’t have anything to put all the recycling in anyway – since our big bin is, again, buried}. Trust me when I say that the recycling literally piled up to the point where you couldn’t even open the cupboard doors under the sink without tons of it falling out at you. And I kept leaving it, thinking that Matt would deal with it. Pfft, yeah right! Matt deal with a mess?!? Even with my constant bitching about it, it stayed under the sink. He kept saying “oh, I’ll put it all in bags and put it in the back of my truck for now”.

Guess what I did today? I put all of the recycling in bags and then brought it out to Matt’s truck and tossed it in the cab. Now, the cupboard under my sink looks exactly how it’s supposed to…like this:

And Matt’s truck cab is loaded up with bags full of recycling, waiting for the day when we finally get our asses to Walmart to buy a new big recycling bin. Which, if I have anything to do with it, will be happening very soon. I think it looks really trashy {snort, trash…get it!?} and I want that dealt with ASAP. While it brings me such joy to see Matt’s truck cab full of recycling, that joy is dampened by the facts that a) he doesn’t drive his truck during the winter so what kind of punishment is that anyway? and b) as I said, it’s totally trashy and I hate trashy.

So, yeah. That was a huge chore for me this morning. Plus I cleaned the entire kitchen and washed the floors {and picked all the squished raisins off my slippers}. Then I cleaned the bathroom and our bedroom. I’m catching up on laundry {nearly there!} and I’ve vacuumed the livingroom. Our apartment is slowly being restored to it’s original glory, and I love it!

I don’t know why I allow myself to get in lazy moods like that. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does the mood drags on and on and on. Seriously, weeks of laziness? What the hell, me?

I’m glad I finally gave our apartment some tender loving and care, since Matt would like to have his college friend, G, and G’s girlfriend over for a “fondue party” tomorrow night. I’m game because chocolate fondue is bomb! And yes, I know, I should have recruited his help because he wants to have the fondue party, but guess what? I’m sure I’ll be making him clean something in preparation for this “fondue party” – our apartment never stays clean for long!

When I say that Matt doesn’t see messes the way that I see them, I mean simply that. He doesn’t see them. If I tell him to clean something, he’ll do it. I know, the recycling was just him being super lazy and probably unable to see how or where we could store all that recycling without pissing off our landlords {he was thinking truck bed, I was thinking truck cab}.

The best thing about being a stay-at-home-mom is that I only have myself to report to. Matt is completely fine with messes. I, on the other hand, not so much. So the only person I piss off when I get lazy is myself. I don’t piss off any managers or bosses, and I don’t loose my job for slacking. So basically, I can be lazy and still “have a job”. It’s awesome. Plus when I’m feeling lazy and not wanting to clean, it just gives me even more time to read stories to Nolan and play with him. We’ve had tons of snuggles this week!

Oh and by the way, I found Nolan’s other snow boot…it was stuck in his snow pants. So Nolan didn’t actually lose it at all. Mom fail? Totally. Oh well, he doesn’t seem bothered by the misguided blame at all 😉

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QUITTER!

Sometimes, quitting things is good right? Like quitting smoking. They practically hand you an award if you quit smoking. Or if you quit drinking, you get one for that too.

I highly doubt I’ll get an award, or even a pat on the back, for quitting the gym though. In fact, I can already hear y’all now, trying to convince me not to. But…I just can’t do it.

I went to the gym today, and was all excited about it, then nearly got into a car accident on the way there. Although it wasn’t snowing when I left, the roads were absolute crap and there’s always one person {aka me} who doesn’t know how to drive in snow. Okay, so it wasn’t my fault. The person in front of me clearly had better snow tires and clearly wasn’t thinking about the possibility that I might not have amazing snow tires, so when they tromped on the break and I did too, I didn’t stop as quickly as I thought I would. Luckily, there was no collision. But my heart was still in my damn throat.

Have I mentioned winter driving, and snow, terrifies me?

Anyway. We arrived at the gym and I dropped Nolan off at the daycare, got my stuff in the locker, grabbed my water bottle and iPod and headed out to work out. Only…I couldn’t do it. I tried all of my machines and my body just was not cooperating. I tried over and over again for 20 minutes to make my body cooperate but it wouldn’t and I was frustrated. So I grabbed my stuff, my kid, and I left.

And I want to quit. I am going to quit.

It seems like every time I go, I get worse and worse at it.

I’m not quitting my get fit goal. I’m just going a different route. I’d much rather work out from home, and pay peanuts for peanut results. I’ll be putting all this money into a membership and I can grantee you I won’t be getting the results I want because my body doesn’t work that way. At all. If I buy work out videos and do them in my own home, at least I’ll be more comfortable and I won’t beat myself up if I can’t do something “the right way”.

So, in summary? I suck. And I’m okay with that. Because I don’t want to kill my body. I couldn’t even sit on the damn floor to play Megablocks with Nolan! I haven’t cleaned our apartment since I started working out, because I’ve been so sore and exhausted. It’s absolutely disgusting. Even when my friend Bruce visited, the apartment was not nearly as clean as it normally is for guests. Hells, it wasn’t even as clean as it normally is for us.

I’ll be quitting the gym and buying a couple of workout videos. Suggestions for workout videos are most definitely welcome.

So far, today has been crappy. There’s still time for it to redeem itself though.

I also didn’t go to Winners because now it’s snowing and the roads are a mess and I’m anxious. I really failed today.

Now, I need to go clean this disgustingly messy apartment.

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Got My Hair Did!

This weekend was pretty great! Saturday, I worked out in the morning {and boy, am I feeling it now} and in the afternoon, my friend Bruce came to visit us. Bruce has been my friend since high school, and him and Matt get along too so that’s awesome. Matt and I actually took Bruce to get his first ever tattoo!! I haven’t seen him since Christmas time, so it was great to hang out again. We decided to go check out a really nice coffee shop that I’ve never been in but heard great things about. I snagged these lovelies:

A matching sugar and creamer! They’re pretty tiny, but I totally love them because they go with my red kettle!

Nolan: glaring at the sun, in the coffee shop. Haha

After the coffee shop, we went to the LCBO to buy some drinks for that night. I bought Cherry Vodka for me and beer for Matt while Bruce bought beer too. It was comical having Nolan in the LCBO – I was getting a lot of horrible looks. Pff. It’s not like I drink all time time, or when he’s awake. Haters keep hatin’, right?

Saturday night Bruce, Matt and I hung out in the livingroom and drank and watched Jackass. Fun huh? We all ended up crashing early – Matt because he had been ice fishing all day {and had to work in the morning}, me because of my gym workout, and Bruce because of his long drive up.

In the morning, we hung out around the house for a bit and then we headed off to the mall for something to do. I ended up getting my hair done!

I’ve been super bored with it for a long while, so I needed a change. What do y’all think?!

After I got my hair done, we went for lunch. Then Bruce headed off to visit another friend in town and I’ve been cleaning while Nolan “naps” {sings loudly, in his bedroom}.

Matt wanted to have a “fish fry” tonight with some fish he caught yesterday, so his buddy is stopping in for dinner and Matt’s dad is coming to visit beforehand so I’ve got to clean this place 🙂 it’s kind of a disaster!

How was your weekend?

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Damn Guilt

This year, in 2011, I am determined to change for the better. I am determined to stick to my resolutions and improve my follow through.

Last week, I signed up for a gym membership. Over the weekend, I questioned the sanity of that decision, and then decided to cancel my membership. I figured it would be no big deal – since I haven’t yet gone to the gym aside from signing up.

I had an appointment tonight with the friendly gentleman who signed me up to see if I could get out of it. I explained my concerns, my fear that we were biting off more than we could chew. I explained that the day care cost would just be too high, and if I waited for whenever Matt was home to watch Nolan, I’d barely make it to the gym at all. So, buddy hooked me up with an even better deal – free day care every time I go.

Um, hello! That’s pretty damn awesome! The guilt in my stomach over getting a gym membership subsided instantly. That would save us tons of money, and open up a lot of time for me to go.

It’s also given me tons of motivation, because in order to keep this deal I signed a promise that I would be at the gym at least three times a week. And now that the day care is free, I have no worries! My gym days will be Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I only have the girls for a couple hours Monday night and Friday morning, leaving tons of hours left in the day to hit up the gym, and Wednesdays are my days off so I’m free basically all day anyway.

So, I went in with the intent of getting out of my membership and walked out with free day care and renewed motivation. I can do this, especially with the cost of day care no longer a stress.

I know that my chronic pain disorder was also a worry {and a reason for the cancellation} but when I talked to the guy he explained that I would not be doing heavy work outs at all. My goals are to just get in better shape and slowly build muscle. He explained that they help you learn how to start out slow by giving orientations.

Which I would have known, had I made it to any of the orientations I was supposed to go to 😉

So here are my orientations:

  • Thursday, January 27th – Cardio Orientation
  • Tuesday, February 1st – Fit Fix Orientation
  • Wednesday, February 2nd – Free Weight Orientation

As you can see {read?}, my first orientation is tomorrow, at 5:30. I’m going to head out basically as soon as the girls’ father picks them up {around 4-4:30ish}. I want to get a parking spot SOMEWHAT close to the gym, and I want to get Nolan settled and myself changed and “warmed up” for the Cardio Orientation. I’m completely nervous as hell…but I suppose everyone is when they start something new…right?!

I’m also waiting for a call from one of the personal trainers {I guess? I don’t know what they’re called} about my Personal Health Profile. In addition to those orientations and appointments, I’m going to force myself to go work out this Friday, and on Monday and Friday of next week – even if I just go and walk/run on the treadmill or whatever, I need to do it. I am determined to go every single Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have to get into the swing of it now, especially if I want to keep the whole free day care deal 😉

And I know I tweeted about my anxiety level being sky high while in the gym. It was. It was also sky high while I desperately searched for a parking spot in the dark in the middle of a snow storm. But guess what? 2011 is supposed to be about breaking out of my shell, getting over myself {and my fears}, and trying new things. AND improving my follow through.

It’s not going to be easy, hell it’s going to be a challenge in a half for the first few weeks. I’m going to be sore and tired as all hell…but I’m going to feel better in the long run. And if I don’t, at least I’ll know that I did follow through and give it a fair shot. I can’t quit before I even begin.

So, I’m gonna do this. I just need someone to kick my ass DAILY and motivate the hell out of me. I need someone who won’t let me be lazy and make excuses. Who’s in?!?

I also need a personal assistant to remind me of these orientations and appointments…

And a damn gym buddy, so I’m not as scared/nervous/anxious about going.

P.S. I have another post up over at The Wifey Blogs called Six Months. It’s about my thoughts/views on everything six months in to this whole marriage gig. So please go check it out after you’re done here!  Thank you 🙂

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Centered

I’ve been feeling a lot more centered lately, in every aspect of my life. 2010 was a difficult, challenging year and I’m glad that it’s over. Even though it was full of great moments and memories, it was also full of not so great moments and memories; full of hurt and unanswered questions. Full of darkness and poison, I learned a lot about the people in my life, and a lot about myself.

I must admit, I’ve been feeling a little depressed since October. So much has happened that has literally shaken the foundation of my thought, that it took a while for me to recover. I was just going through the motions, struggling to stay afloat after everything. I shut myself out from everyone – friends, family, even Matt. I wouldn’t let him close, I wouldn’t explain to him why I was upset all the time. He knew though, he knew it had everything to do with the circumstances in which I was trying to deal with. The issues with a certain someone.

He stood strong, even though I was [stupidly] trying to shut him out and even though I was being a miserable tyrant. Even though I’d have a crying fit, wail “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” and disappear into our bedroom like some emotional teenage girl. He blasted down any walls I attempted to foolishly build around myself in an attempt to “prevent hurt”.

In the last few weeks, I’ve felt myself coming out of that fog though. The thick fog that enveloped me is now dissipating and I can now see the ground in front of me.

I’m happier.

I suppose it has something to do with acceptance, of understanding I can’t change certain things and being okay with that. I suppose it has to do with reaching some sort of conclusion that it’s not my fault.

In any case, I’m grateful for whatever this recent development is. I’m grateful that my days are now filled with more joy than sadness. I’m grateful that I’m no longer living, even subconsciously, in that place of hurt. I’m grateful that I’ve moved on and can honestly say that I have moved on. Because, I have.

I suppose the little steps I’ve been making in order to improve how I feel about myself, as well as Matt’s strong and capable shoulders, have helped.

Every morning, I get up and wash my face, put on some makeup and do my hair, and then I get dressed for the day. In actual clothes. When I was in my funk, I wore my PJ bottoms and Matt’s oversized t-shirts. Not cool, not cool at all. Of course, Matt finds me attractive in any article of clothing and I’m pretty sure he’d still try to ‘get with me’ if I was wearing a dungsake but that’s beside the point, I felt like crap and, when you feel like crap, you look like crap.

So, I’ve been actively keeping the cute. I know I don’t have amazing clothes, hell most of my clothes have holes in them, or are stained, or don’t fit right, or are simply outdated, or I just don’t like them/feel comfortable in them anymore. I do have a couple of cute outfits, but for the most part my wardrobe is in serious need of replenishing {don’t worry: I’m planning on fixing this as soon as it’s feasible within our budget}.

In addition to taking better care of my skin and appearance, I’ve also been taking better care of the appearance of our apartment. Our landlords constantly phrase us for how tidy and clean we are, but while I was in the funk I honestly had to force myself to take care of this place. This tiny, two bedroom apartment was such a huge effort to keep clean. I won’t lie, on some days it still is a huge effort, but I think I can thank my super busy toddler and the little girls I watch for that one hehe. I guess my perspective of how I feel about keeping this place cleaned has changed. Instead of being angry about having to be the “only one” to clean, I opened my eyes and realized that I’m not the only one to clean. Sure, I do the majority of it…but Matt is a full-time college student and he’s working part-time, I am the one who is home. I don’t mind it anymore. In fact, I actually really honestly enjoy cleaning and tidying up.

Did any of my family ever expect those words to come out of Messy Jessie’s mouth? I sure as shit didn’t. But it’s true.

I’ve also calmed down a lot in my reactions. Before, if I was slightly irritated about something, I allowed it to put me in a completely foul ass mood. I was a miserable tyrant when I was irritated. Lately, stuff’s just been rolling off my shoulders. Without effort.

What I didn’t realize, is that it takes so much energy to be negative and sulk about things. Letting stuff roll off your shoulders and carrying on with your day with a smile on your face is effortless. And being lazy, sitting on the couch and doing nothing also, somehow, uses up more energy than getting up does. Weird how that works out, huh?

I’m also being more social. Since I’ve been in my funk, I’ve barely socialized with anybody. We weren’t really home at all last weekend, and this weekend I am hosting my first ever brunch. I’m nervous as all hell, but excited too. I know that it will go off without a hitch because I’m not going to let things go until the last moment. I’m making the casserole Saturday night, after Nolan is in bed. While that bakes in the oven, I’ll make the rest of the breakfast {the raisin bread french toast and the bacon}. And next weekend, Matt and I would like to have some friends over for chili and beer.

So, essentially, I’m not hiding anymore. I’m not feeling like I’m in a fog, or anything negative like that.

I’m letting myself feel and be happy. I’m not waiting for bad things to happen anymore, because bad things happen when you wait for them. Good things happen when you let them.

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New Year Resolutions for 2011

Welcome to 2011 folks! This year is full of such potential, and I’m so eager to experience all the wonders it will bring!

I told myself I wasn’t going to make a New Years Resolution, but then decided…why not? So I do have a few Resolutions for 2011…here they are:

1. Actually follow through with keeping these Resolutions. A lot harder than it looks! I always fail at this lol.

2. Eat and generally just BE healthier. I know, I’ve said this before and I actually did it for a few weeks. I don’t know why I stopped, because I felt way better just in general (as well as about myself). But yeah; I fully plan on getting back into it!

3. Be more positive. I often jump to the most negative conclusion, with the excuse that “I don’t want to be blindsided”. But this isn’t healthy, for me and other people (mainly Matt) in my life. I also need to…

4. Be more trusting. Matt has never given me a reason to doubt him before. He is loyal and attentive. Sometimes, he loses track of time with the guys and while although waking up to him not home is scary, I know that he’s not doing anything “bad”. (Other than staying out too late, haha).

5. Go on more adventures with my little family. This will be an easy resolution to keep! Last year we weren’t in the position financially to do the activities I wanted (go to the zoo, the Science Centre, etc) but this year is different. We are out of debt and have a little bit left over at the end of the month – so I plan on saving up for little day trips this spring and summer. For Nolan’s birthday, we’re going to take him to the Toronto Zoo. For a summer trip; we’ll be going to the Science Centre as well as camping at Matt’s family’s property! That last one will be an adventure in itself – camping with a toddler!

6. Save more moneys. If I want to go on more family adventures, we need to have the mola saved up to do so! Not to mention, it’d be lovely to finally be able to buy things for our apartment (new couch, new appliances). Of course that second reason *might* take some time to achieve but a girl can dream right?!

7. Start doing the things I want to do. (Also known as; Improve My Follow Through). I always talk about all the things I want to do (bake more, learn how to knit/sew, etc) but rarely do I attempt to do them. Basically, I am full of ideas but lack the follow through. I need to fix that! While I may not be able to invest in a sewing machine, I can certainly learn how to knit!! Or do that scrapbook I’ve been dying to do! Or that family portrait wall…you see? I’ve got plenty of projects in mind. I just need to do them!

…I was going to try for 10 but those are honestly the top things I want to work on this year. I want to be in a happier, healthier place. At the end of the day, I wanna feel like I did my best and pulled it off.

I plan on printing (or writing out, since we don’t have a working printer) these resolutions and putting them on the fridge, where I’ll see them every day. I want a constant reminder. I think that’s the issue with New Years Resolutions; they often get forgotten in the hustle and bustle of day to day living.

Anyways: Happy New Years everyone! I hope 2011 is a wonderful year for all!!

Cheers to 2011!

xoxo♡

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In 5 or 10 Years…

I had the worst nightmare the other night, and I’m pretty sure that was the reason why I had such a hard time falling into a deep, untroubled sleep. In my nightmare, it was 5 or 10 years from now – Nolan was in school and Matt was working full-time. I was at still a stay at home mom, literally just sitting around doing nothing.

I have no idea where to begin explaining why this dream actually terrified me so much. When I was in my late teens, my one desire was that I would have a career and a great paying job doing something I loved. I always dreamed that I would be successful and that my children would have everything they wanted with two working parents. I always thought I would go to college, get my education, land the perfect job and then find the perfect man, get married, buy a house and then have kids.

I did it ass backwards.

I met the perfect man, fell in love, started college, found out I was pregnant and, overwhelmed, dropped out of college. Then I got engaged, got an apartment with my then fiance, gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, and after 7 months of struggling, we moved back in with Matt’s dad to get out of debt and get ahead in life. We got out of debt, then got married (without managing to go back into debt – SCORE), moved back out on our own, and my husband started college. He’s doing amazing thus far, and I’m not ashamed of our path that we’ve taken. I’m so proud of it, of us. We’ve come a long way from that day we found out we were pregnant.

But this isn’t what I envisioned. I thought I would be done school by now and working a job I loved, proud of making money and being independent.

Don’t get me wrong: I am loving being a stay at home mama right now. I’m blessed that our situation allows for this opportunity; I’m blessed that I am the one who gets to be here for every first, for every milestone.

But when Nolan is in school full-time, I won’t be needed here 24/7. I will have a huge time-block during the day that I’ll need to fill up. I guess part of my subconscious is just afraid I’ll end up like her. Wanting to keep “being around” in case the opportunity pops up for a vacation of some sorts. Fearful of going back to school with all the “younger kids” and being the “oldest one there”

But I know this won’t be the case, I know I am different. I know I won’t settle for anything less than a career in a field doing something I love.

I don’t know when I’m going back to school: that’s still up in the air. Our focus right now is getting my husband through school. It’s his turn to shine, and I don’t mind stepping back and helping him reach for his dreams. Matt’s confidence has just exploded over the last little while, especially since we moved up North. From early spring on, he was working at a job that he loved – it was physically demanding, challenging and it paid the bills and then some. It was the first time we, as a couple, ever had money left over after paying for life’s essentials (rent, groceries, bills, etc). We were able to get out of debt AND get married, and that’s pretty damn amazing.

Then when he went back to school, his confidence further grew to epic proportions. I love listening to him talk about welding stuff, even if I have literally no idea what any of the jargon means. I am so proud of his marks, he’s doing amazingly well and even if he is struggling a bit in some classes (like Communications), he’s working so hard to pull up his marks and it shows. On his last several assignments, he landed a mark in the 76% zone. My heart shines with pride when I watch him working so hard and doing so good!

I was supposed to go to school this year too, and while I do sometimes feel sad that I didn’t get to go, I know the timing wasn’t right. Matt will graduate in August 2011, and then we can start saving for me to go to school. I want to have my tuition, books, other school expenses, and day care while I’m in school covered before I apply again. When Matt graduates this program and finds a job in his field (which he will, the Welder/Pipe Fitter industry is booming right now, at least where we are!), this will be easy enough to do. We plan on renting until I finish college too, that way we don’t have to worry about household expenses. We want to have money to invest into our home, and we’re happy renting until we feel we can take that plunge (but I still day dream of the day we can!).

So, with our lives basically mapped out over the next 5 or 10 years, I can’t understand why I kept having that dream and panicking. I know that I’m going back to school to get an education and a high paying job. I know that I’ll succeed and make my son proud of me. I know that he will be able to see his parents’ work ethic and his will be strong too. And I know that even if we aren’t a “success story” yet, we will get there. We are driven to succeed, and determination is the main ingredient in success.

So kindly screw off panicked nightmares about never returning to college. They are nightmares for a reason!

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