Category Archives: stuff that bites

Attention Asshat Drivers: Stop Taking Risks

I don’t know what it is about snow storms that bring out total douchebags on the road, but I’m tired for it. I’m longing for spring – but I know that spring doesn’t grantee douchebag free roads. But still. Winter makes it worse. Especially because the douchebags drive like there isn’t tons of slippery snow and ice on the asphalt.

This evening, I was backing out of my driveway to drive Britt and Serena home. My driveway is at the bottom of a hill on a well traveled road, but I assure you I checked and double checked before backing out. I was about a quarter of the way finished backing out when some asshat appears at the top of the hill, driving towards us. Clearly, I’m backing out of my driveway. My car is pretty damn noticeable, and the dude had plenty of time to slow the fuck down. But guess what? He didn’t. He nearly smashed into me and was on my ass so much so that I had to honk at him to show my annoyance {even though he was behind me…but I’m pretty sure he knew who I was honking at}, and when I was straightening out he decided to try and get around me. With another car coming in the opposite direction. Which caused me to nearly drive into the ditch. When I laid my hand on the horn he {or she} stopped trying to get around and I was able to straighten out and drive forward but I was not comfortable at all, since this idiot put us in danger countless times within 1 minute AND continued to ride my ass.

To the driver of that car: What. The. Fuck. You asshole prick! I had two babies in my car! TWO. And another one on the way! I’m sorry that slowing down and allowing me to completely back out of my driveway without harrassing my back end would waste so much of your precious time, but guess what’s more precious than your time? Our lives. All of ours, even your douchebag life. But most importantly: those babies lives are more important than your “inconvenience” of having to slow down {which, I might add…YOU DIDN’T. AT ALL}.

I am so tired of sharing the roads with risk takers. People who just “don’t have the time” to slow the hell down and drive safely. People who don’t let others have the right of way when they rightfully have it. People who speed through four way stops because stopping is just such a drag.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve almost been in an accident due to somebody’s stupid dick moves on the road. Honestly? I’m a good driver. I’m careful, but I’m not a turtle. I don’t endanger people by driving too slow and I don’t endanger people by driving too fast. I am cautious and I react well {for the most part}. I drive for the weather conditions. I don’t cut people off, or steal their right away. I drive like I’m carrying precious cargo because I am. My baby – ok, I guess I should say babies -are the most important people in my life, and I’m tired of douchebags putting our lives in danger because they’re taking stupid risks.

I really hope that this post reaches out to at least one douchebag driver out there, and makes them think twice before taking stupid risks. Remember: it’s not just your life you’re risking, you’re risking the lives of other people too, the lives of kids and babies. So slow the fuck down and chill out. Drive with caution and care of everyone else on the road as well as yourself, and don’t take risks. Don’t endanger other people, and don’t endanger my babies or my friends babies, don’t endanger my nieces and nephews.

That’s all, thanks.

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A {Very Sad} Letter to BlackBerries {specifically mine}

Dear BlackBerry:

I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I held you in the Bell store, not even two months ago. You were far prettier and faster than my old BlackBerry, and you had wireless capabilities. I treat you like a queen, you practically sit on a royal cushion day after day. The kind of treatment you get is actually quite ridiculous.

And yet, randomly, you refuse to lock. I now am that person who butt calls everyone. You refuse to ring, no matter what setting you’re on. You refuse to sound the alarm should I set it. I don’t know what I ever did to wrong you, to hurt you…but you’re hurting me by acting up so quickly into our relationship. I thought we were meant to be! I even paid extra for your pretty self! But now you mock me by not working.

A girl needs a lock button, and a girl needs to be able to hear her phone should it ring {or the alarm, should it go off}. I’m worried about our future together…if this is happening just two months into our relationship…well, I have reason to worry. Obviously, I now have to take you all the way in to a Bell store and send you off for repairs. But I’m worried those repairs won’t fix the future issues, I’m worried that as soon as your warranty wears out, you will fall to the same fate my last BlackBerry did. I’m worried all the issues I’ll have with you will cause me to go literally insane.

You know, I renewed my contract with Bell for another three years to get you. I thought for sure that BlackBerry had improved their phones, since everyone else I talked to had no issues with it. But alas, here we are…you’re not ringing, nor are you locking. I butt dialed six people already today. Luckily they were all Matt, but still. You didn’t get dropped, you didn’t get thrown, you didn’t get left out in the freezing cold of my car. You are treated like a celebrity. I’m beginning to think you’ve got Lindsay Lohan’s personality: despite all the allowances you have, you’re still a drunken mess.

I hope that when I take you in for repairs, it solves all of our issues together. Otherwise, I’m going to have to replace you again. Only this time? I’ll replace you with an iPhone. Yeah, I went there.

Love,
Your owner with the broken-heart:
Jess

P.S. I really don’t want an iPhone, I want you, but I want and need you to work properly. We’re in this together, for three years.

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Bad Mood Bear

I am in a bad mood today. I’m stressed, anxious, and exhausted. I’ve had far too many late nights over the past little while and needless to say…they’ve caught up with me! Today has kicked my ass and then some, and despite my nap this afternoon I’m still dragging ass and grouchy.

I barely got any sleep last night, between Nolan’s sleep crying and my back. My back was causing me murderous pain, probably because of the way I was sitting during our evening TV watching. So from 2am-3am, I tossed and turned and whined. I ditched my pillow even. Finally I fell asleep, but it was NOT peaceful.

Then my morning started off with the walk-in-clinic “re-dial” game. I wanted to book an appointment for myself and Nolan. The walk-in-clinic we usually go to opens at 1pm and at 9pm you can call and book an appointment for that day. Monday mornings are always rat races, I played the “re-dial” game for literally half an hour. When I finally got through, I tried to book an appointment. I gave the receptionist my name and she instantly interrupted me.

“You owe us for a foot clinic you missed in May. We won’t be able to see you until you pay the $70 charge.” this was said in an icy, short tone {after I was interrupted}.

“Ok…but I don’t have $70 today…” was my response, because I don’t. I was about to ask if I could still be seen with a promise to pay this Friday, but didn’t get far at all because I was again cut off.

“We won’t be seeing you until you pay the $70 charge”.

Ok then.

I was deeply irritated because this foot clinic thing is bogus. I signed up for it, yes, but I never received a call. {Who knows, maybe I did but at the time we were living with Matt’s dad & step-mom, I often didn’t get calls}. I guess I just forgot and assumed they weren’t doing it since I never got the call.

And to me, $70 seems VERY excessive for a missed foot clinic appointment, and the receptionist shouldn’t have had a bitchy tone with me. You catch more bees with honey, not vinegar.

Obviously I’m going to pay this fine, despite the fact that I think its WAY too much for a missed appointment AND despite the fact that they never clarified that “missing” their foot clinic would result in a fee. But I’m still mad about it.

So that put me in a foul mood from the get go. Mostly because I’m feeling insanely guilty for the amount of unnecessary I spent in the last month that shouldn’t have been spent. The tattoo, my hairdo, the three times I went out for lunch with Nolan, the pizza we didn’t have to order, and the 26er of vodka I didn’t need to buy are all weighing heavily on my mind. The fact that we’re tapped until Friday because I slipped up so much also weighs heavily on my conscious.

Throughout it all, Matt isn’t angry with me. Despite the fact if the tables were turned *I* would undoubtedly be infuriated with him. But I don’t let him make mistakes like that, so why do I let myself?

I’m just having one of those days where I need to pout and feel sorry for myself just because I know I screwed up. I know I should have been smarter about our money. I really don’t think I’m to blame for the whole missed foot clinic thing, but I also don’t think they’re entirely too blame either. It just sucks. Especially since I’ve been in several times since May with Nolan and they never once mentioned this fee to me. Or it would have been paid by now {because I usually don’t suck THIS much with our money}.

I still have another four hours to get through before I can fall into bed and call it a night.

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I’m Bored. Again.

I’m bored with this blog, again. It just feels…blah. I don’t know what to do in order to bring it back alive. I’m too lazy to re-do the whole look ~ besides, I like the look. I’m pretty sure it’s just me. My writing feels dry and boring lately. Sorry for that.

There’s a lot of stuff that I’d love to write about, but I feel like I can’t. I have fears that writing these stories would open myself up to opinions and feedback that I frankly don’t want. So I remain hush hush about it, and reframe from writing. About that, anyway.

Winter is boring, and in turn I feel boring. We haven’t gone on any great adventures, we haven’t done anything miraculously fun. We mostly stay home, because it’s too bloody cold to go anywhere fun. Sure, there’s the mall, but it’s totally depressing when you go and don’t buy anything because it’s not in your budget and we’re on a saving rampage, so what’s the point? Our mall doesn’t even have a fun playground, or even a photobooth to waste time in. It’s just stores and a food court. Oh joy.

I long for spring, so that we can go to the park and actually do something fun. I’m totally dying here of cabin fever and boredom and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d love to be able to jet down to visit family for a bit and just have a change of scenery, but Matt’s in school 5 days a week and I work 4 days a week. My only day off is Wednesday, smack dab in the middle of the week. I suppose I could leave Friday afternoon, and head back up Monday morning, but the drive is always sketchy. We have to go through several storm belts and I’m sure I’ve expressed my fear and anxiety about driving during snow storms of any sort.

If it wasn’t so bloody expensive to take a train, I would, and if it didn’t take all day to bus down, I would.

I’m missing my family and my friends, and I’m bored with everything right now. I’m in a funk that I’m trying to claw my way out of. Nobody willingly wants to be in a funk, it just sort of happens. Am I right?

I know the groundhog didn’t see his shadow and predicted that “spring would be here before we know it“, but I highly doubt that’s true. I wait for spring to be here every minute of the day…but it’s only the beginning of February. We had snow storms in early May last year.

Clearly, Northern living is not for this mama. But I do like this town…when it’s not covered in snow and ice and other winter yuckiness. And I am trying to suck it up. I know people {JD especially, or maybe only} hate when I complain about snow since I live in Northern Ontario. Snow is just a fact of life. And I do deal with it pretty well, for the most part. I like never complain to Matt or my family or anybody except you poor folks. Sorry about that. I know if I complain about how cold and boring it is here, Matt will feel super bad. It’s not his fault I suck at Northern winter living. Northern spring and summer living? Totally rad. There is so much to do here it’s a bit ridiculous. But there’s not really anything fun to do during the winter months, and the winter months drag on and on because of it.

This Saturday, I’m going to take Nolan to the EYC. Even though I find Saturday’s at the EYC to be extremely overwhelming {there are so many people}, I think we need to get out of the house for a little bit. So, I’ll grab a coffee and suck it up. Nolan doesn’t mind crowds, even if I do. And since we don’t have plans for Saturday, why not?!

Blarg. Sorry for being so dry and boring around here. My blog is beginning to resemble my hands! So dry. My hands aren’t boring but winter sure is.

P.S. Did I mention I am not a fan of winter?

P.S.S. I fully expect some hate-comments from JD for this post. But oh well; I’m sure she’s just as tired of trying to navigate snowy, icy sidewalks with a baby stroller. And the bundling up before any outing, no matter how quick.

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QUITTER!

Sometimes, quitting things is good right? Like quitting smoking. They practically hand you an award if you quit smoking. Or if you quit drinking, you get one for that too.

I highly doubt I’ll get an award, or even a pat on the back, for quitting the gym though. In fact, I can already hear y’all now, trying to convince me not to. But…I just can’t do it.

I went to the gym today, and was all excited about it, then nearly got into a car accident on the way there. Although it wasn’t snowing when I left, the roads were absolute crap and there’s always one person {aka me} who doesn’t know how to drive in snow. Okay, so it wasn’t my fault. The person in front of me clearly had better snow tires and clearly wasn’t thinking about the possibility that I might not have amazing snow tires, so when they tromped on the break and I did too, I didn’t stop as quickly as I thought I would. Luckily, there was no collision. But my heart was still in my damn throat.

Have I mentioned winter driving, and snow, terrifies me?

Anyway. We arrived at the gym and I dropped Nolan off at the daycare, got my stuff in the locker, grabbed my water bottle and iPod and headed out to work out. Only…I couldn’t do it. I tried all of my machines and my body just was not cooperating. I tried over and over again for 20 minutes to make my body cooperate but it wouldn’t and I was frustrated. So I grabbed my stuff, my kid, and I left.

And I want to quit. I am going to quit.

It seems like every time I go, I get worse and worse at it.

I’m not quitting my get fit goal. I’m just going a different route. I’d much rather work out from home, and pay peanuts for peanut results. I’ll be putting all this money into a membership and I can grantee you I won’t be getting the results I want because my body doesn’t work that way. At all. If I buy work out videos and do them in my own home, at least I’ll be more comfortable and I won’t beat myself up if I can’t do something “the right way”.

So, in summary? I suck. And I’m okay with that. Because I don’t want to kill my body. I couldn’t even sit on the damn floor to play Megablocks with Nolan! I haven’t cleaned our apartment since I started working out, because I’ve been so sore and exhausted. It’s absolutely disgusting. Even when my friend Bruce visited, the apartment was not nearly as clean as it normally is for guests. Hells, it wasn’t even as clean as it normally is for us.

I’ll be quitting the gym and buying a couple of workout videos. Suggestions for workout videos are most definitely welcome.

So far, today has been crappy. There’s still time for it to redeem itself though.

I also didn’t go to Winners because now it’s snowing and the roads are a mess and I’m anxious. I really failed today.

Now, I need to go clean this disgustingly messy apartment.

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Thinking and Stuffs.

I don’t think I’m going to watch the girls anymore. I took on the sitting job with the agreement that it would be under the table, only now she wants me to give her receipts. Which means I’d have to claim the measly amount of money I’m making doing this very part-time. Which means I’d lose money instead of making a little extra.

So, no thanks.

I’m sad about it, because I loved watching the girls. It was great for both Nolan and I. But the agreement was under the table for a reason. I don’t want to pay to work. I can’t afford to pay to work, I really can’t, or else I’d still have that diner job.

So, that sucks.

I’m having more issues with her again, so that also sucks. She’s missing the entire point. She thinks we’re mad at her for selling the house and moving. We’re not. We’re mad at her for so much more than that. But, from the sound of it, that’s why she thinks we’re mad, despite us telling her otherwise so many times. She’s still not taking ownership, or hells…even apologizing for everything she’s put us through.

Also; Nolan is having a “I will not listen to Mommy at all and will be totally uncooperative and get into trouble purposely to make Mommy’s hair fall out” kind of day. Which sucks, a lot. My voice feels hoarse from telling him “no”. Don’t touch the TV, don’t pull the ornaments off the tree…someone please tell me this is just a bad day, or hell…even a phase? That I will have my sweet, cooperative little boy back soon?

He just doesn’t listen anymore, unless it’s something he wants to do. I don’t want him to develop the “my way or the highway” attitude I see so many kids with…that I have, because it really sucks and isn’t fair to other people around.

I’m trying my hardest to remain positive, but thanks to all the random stuff I’ve been dealing with lately (or trying to deal with, anyway), I’m just not in the world’s most positive mood. I’m angry, I’m taking it out on people I shouldn’t (aka my poor husband!), and I’m just tired of myself.

I keep talking about this “change” and “self improvement” I want to make, but I don’t ever do anything about it. I need to stop being so dependent on Matt. Yes, I’m tired, I’m sore and I’m emotionally drained…but by depending so much on him, I’m making him tired, sore and emotionally drained.

It’s a hard truth to swallow. I’ve got to back off, he’s under enough stress as it is at school.

Worlds Worst Wife here, the triple W award goes to me, naturally.

I also have to stop being so damn negative. I try to be positive, but damnit it’s hard. This last year has been so difficult for me, and with me being far away from my sisters’ and my dad it’s just been THAT much harder to handle. I feel like I’m “behind” on the terms of acceptance and understanding. I feel like, by dealing with it “alone”, I’m not really dealing with it. And I’m not. I’m just repressing it for another day, pushing it down so that it can bubble up randomly and send me into a landslide of anger and resentment. Towards her. And it’s not healthy, not for me and not for my family.

Also, I’ve been bouncing back between the longing to have another baby and the longing to go back to school. We can’t afford either or, so I’m bummed out about it.

Today sucks. But there’s still plenty of time for it to redeem itself…hopefully.

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Poison

I wish she understood. I wish I could make her see this poison that is leaking from her every pore. I wish she could see that it’s been leaking from her every pore for quite some time. I wish I could allow her to see herself through my eyes. I wish she could see the aftermath, the resulting feelings and emotions that I have now. Maybe then, she would finally understand. I wish she could see that the people she is choosing to associate with are not good at all, they are evil and poison and they aren’t helping her get ahead. What sort of “friend” tells a woman her own family doesn’t love her, when he doesn’t know her family or what we feel/think? What kind of “friend” allows a woman to bask in such hatred and resentment, all the time? That’s not a friend, that’s a person (if we can even call him that) who has targeted her to gain something from her and destroy what’s left of her.

She is an easy target, she unfortunately always has been. She is weak and prone to attracting negative people because she is a negative person. She doesn’t learn from the past, and she don’t grow from experience. I’ve watched her over the past year, and instead of picking herself up off the floor and at least trying to move forward with her life, she chose to remain in such a dark place of resentment and blame and hatred that it ended up pushing us away. It’s not healthy, and it wasn’t healthy for us to hear her speak the way she spoke and watch her carry on the way she carried on.

I’m not saying that what she went through wasn’t difficult, but really…she never rose to the challenge of starting anew. She never picked up the pieces and tried to move on. She were given so many opportunities to shine, and she chose not to.

How is this any of our fault? Did we tell her to stay beaten down? Did we tell her to play the victim card? No. We did the opposite. We tried to get her to flourish, find a job and make something of herself for herself. But she wouldn’t. She had excuse after excuse on why she couldn’t. She just never tried.

And then she started associating with these “friends” of hers that are not really friends at all. Friends don’t keep you down, they don’t tell you to abandon your children or lash out at their father. They talked her into pushing her kids away so she could “do for her” for the first time ever. Doing for yourself doesn’t mean ditching motherhood altogether. Generally, doing for you means getting a job, saving money, and working hard to improve your life in a positive way. She didn’t, and isn’t, doing that.

I don’t see how telling her family to piss off is going to help with any of this “personal growth” stuff.

She is the reason I am so determined to succeed: because I don’t want to end up the way she did, in the mind frame she did. She lost her desire to succeed and thrive. She felt that her only success was through the triumphs of her kids and husband, and she felt this way on her own accord. No one told her to stop thinking about herself and dedicate every waking minute to everybody else (like she says she did). She stopped trying to reach her own goals, in fact I’m pretty sure she stopped making goals all together. Mark my words, I won’t ever stop making goals. I won’t ever stop reaching for them and succeeding and thriving.

I want all these things for my son, so how could I not set that example for him? He will see me struggle my way to the top – with my husband at my side to support me, as I am supporting him now – and he will be proud.

I feel ashamed to admit I wasn’t proud of her, not recently anyway. She wasted golden opportunities to make something of herself. She didn’t set good examples for her daughters. It’s a good thing I’ve learned how to evaluate a situation and determine right from wrong on my own. It’s a good thing I have the motherly instinct to keep such negativity far away from my doorstep.

But, I’m still deeply wounded by this. And I probably will be for a very long time.

Maybe one day she’ll realize how wrong she is, how wrong she’s been. Maybe one day I’ll get that apology. But I can’t help but feel that those things aren’t going to happen, I have a feeling that I have lost her in this poison forever.

I debated on making this post private, but I’m tired of hiding my words, of silencing my voice. My voice may be cracked with pain and hurting now, but I’ve yet to regret a single thing I’ve written. This is all part of the healing process. I just can’t wait to be healed.

At least I can ensure that my own child never feels the hurt I feel.

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